It is not easy to talk about my story to anyone, but I really need help to get back on my feet.
I am in my early 40s, and have two young children 2 and 4 years old. My two children are truly my whole world and the biggest motivation for me to get back on my feet.
My childhood has been scarred with emotional abuse from family members and sexual abuse by a music teacher. My high school years were all a blur to me because of all traumatic events happened in my family. It is not possible to write all the details here, basically I grew up in a hostile environment and my parents struggled financially after we immigrated to Canada when I was 12 years old. I was also struggling to adapt to the new country, new school, new environment, new friends. Although I was struggling, I managed to get into University. I got good grades in my first year of University. However, because of financial difficulty, I had to work part time in order to stay in school. With family issues kept escalating, it was proven to be too much stress for me, I felt into deep depression and had to quit school.
I met my current husband around the time I quitted school. We fell in love and eventually moved to a different city and got married. I didn’t realize at the time, but in hindsight, my husband does not really respect me for what I want to do with my life. He does not care about what makes me happy. His parents are also very rude to me because I am not making a lot of money, and they show me that they don’t like me, and criticize me all the time. My husband never stand up for me. Instead, he always thinks I am crazy or too sensitive. I have always wanted to go back to school to finish my degree. My dream was to become an art therapist to help abused children. My husband refuses to pay for my education. So, without a certificate or degree, I have worked a few office jobs. I have also worked as nanny and cleaner. As the years went by, I felt like I was losing a bit of myself everyday. I became very withdrawn and I have no self confidence left. After many years of trying to conceive, and multiple miscarriages, I felt into deep depression again. When I finally was able to give birth to my first child, I was very happy, but not surprisingly, I suffered from postpartum depression and anxiety. I struggled to get through each day all by myself because my husband’s job was so busy, he got home after 9pm everyday and had to work on the weekends as well. I got pregnant again a year later, and gave birth to my second child during the first outbreak of covid. My husband lost his job just after my son was born. We also needed to rent another house to live in because the condo my husband owns was simply too small for us. He struggled to land a job, and only got hired again 6 months ago. So for a year, we accumulated a lot of debts. Beside rent, mortgage (I was not capable to clean and move everything out of the condo due to both complication after pregnancy and my poor mental health), we also spent a huge amount of money trying to start an online business, which failed. I admit I also had problem with impulsive online purchases too. With the social isolation due to the pandemic, I turned to material things to fill the void, mostly toys and educational materials for my children. I felt like I needed those things to make my children happy, to make up for what I failed to give them (a tidy home, a happy, healthy and energetic mom, social activities outside the home etc.)
My husband is now in the process of doing a consumer proposal to avoid losing everything, since we now have $100K debt. I cannot help him financially now because I need to stay home to take care of kids. If I work, daycare cost will be more than what I make. If the consumer proposal is approved, we will be temporarily out of a crisis. However, I am in desperate need of time for myself. I am not doing my children any good if I am in bad shape. I desperately want to have a normal life where my mood is not controlling my life. What I really want is to go back to school, and have a career of my own, so that I don’t feel like I am trapped in an unhappy marriage just because I am financially dependent on my husband. I really want to live a life I can feel proud of, and most of all, I want to show my children resilience and independence. I don’t want my children to grow up in an unhappy home with an unhappy mother. I am already in my 40s, I really need to turn my life around now or it will all be too late.
I will need your help so that I can go back to school, so that I can begin to build a career I love, and be financially independent. Your generosity will change my life, thus my children’s life as well. I will definitely pay it forwards helping other people in need when I have the ability to do so.