I thought my life was great.
I thought my life was on the right track even though I got pregnant at 17.
It was my first time having a boyfriend and I was barely having sex when I got pregnant. Still everything was okay, it was stressed free and just about happy.
I stayed home for about 2 years taking care of my daughter and her father would help to take care of us. And since I was still living with my parent, things were just right. I would wake up every morning and comb her hair . I would wash her clothes in the night and got up very early the next morning to hang them out. This way I got to spend the entire day with her and could give her all my attention. At one year and two months old my daughter was potty-trained.
One day while scrolling on the internet on some career blog posting, I came across a job. I applied to the job and I got it.
This job would require a lot of traveling since it was out of state. So each morning I would wake up at 4 am, get ready and leave out by 5 am. The bus sometimes don’t leave until around 5:30. By 7:15 am I would reach the other state and it took about another 30 minutes to get to this job, that starts at 8. I was never late. At least I tried not be because two strikes and you’re out. I would leave this job at 5 and went straight to the bus station and catch a bus for another 2 hour ride back home. I did this everyday from Monday to Friday.
I never got tired of doing this, even though I found myself sleeping on the bus most mornings and even one morning I found myself resting on a gentleman’s shoulder, he never flinched or anything and I think that’s because he must have thought I was an innocent little girl travelling alone to another state very early. Though I had a baby and was 19, I looked a lot like a little girl around 14, slim-built, small head with a very innocent looking face. When I told my friends at work that had a baby, no one believed me, some said it was my sister, others said I should be good and remain focused. So eventually, I stopped telling them and everyone else I did because I didn’t want to cause any chaos and concentrated on my work.
My work position was somewhat contracted for 3 months. I wasn’t aware of it or maybe I had been too excited about the job I missed that part when signing the contract. Not that it would have mattered anyway, because I still would’ve taken the job. So when it came to the end of my contract I was laid off. A lot of persons got laid off too because the company was sold out to another company and new changes took placed. So no contracts were renewed. I cried so hard when they told me that I was no longer apart of the company. I told them that they used me ( they said I was a top performer and was going to be a supervisor).
Anyway about 2 weeks later I had applied for another job in the same state and got it. I think this job hypnotized me and had me under some kind of foolish spell. Guess I was just naive or maybe it’s the genuine love that I had for this place that made me think so crazy. I didn’t ever want to go to college, I never I want to leave this work ( not a stable place, can get fired any time), yet I wanted to do it for the rest of my life, I didn’t do overtime, said I was okay with the salary received. I had no goals and because we were the first batch for this role, I was told of the many opportunities there would be.
So each month I ended as a top performer. I got so many awards and vouchers. I wasn’t someone who spent lavishly. I mostly bought snacks and juicy weekly for my daughter and 1-2 shoes and a suit of clothing for her fortnightly and then saved the rest of money for my travelling and food expenses. I guess I really wasn’t making a lot of cash then but to me I was and I was very satisfied.
Nothing I had planned about me and this job came through.
Seven months later and I’m writing a letter of resignation because my three months leave of absence letter, was not approved. I was relocating and it was going to take awhile for us to settle down. About three months later I applied for another job, this time in my state. I was so lucky to find one there. They’re normally scarce; unless you have a degree ect. I received a phone call three days later and was scheduled for an interview. They were so impressed with me and my experiences and wanted me to start the next week. I was super excited. I felt like I was still on the right path despite having to start over.
My excitement didn’t last long.
I started dread going to work.
It wasnt my job description, it wasn’t who I offered service to; I loved my job and I loved what I did. I adapt to changes easily… but it was the management; it was poor, it was the work environment.
I could easily slide by this. I’m easy going. But it became too constant, I felt manipulated, I felt bullied. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I started getting low self-esteem. There were mornings when I would get up for work, getting dressed and my hair done and felt something was wrong with what I was wearing. Even though I had worn it before. And would try on all my working clothes; which I had already done the previous morning too, and re-do my hair; just wanting to get that look. I would spend hours doing this and It seems like I could never get it right. Eventually it became a habit and everyday I was late for work. How can I be late for a work that’s only 15-30 minutes drive, when I used to travel over 2 hours and I’ve never been late? I couldn’t answer and no matter what I tried I couldn’t help myself. One week I tell myself no more I’m going to get it right this time and I start going early and it makes me feel so good and then I feel like everything is crumbling and it throw me off again and I’m back to square one. It had actually gotten worst because there were days I took too long to get myself together and would call in ‘not well’. Of course I don’t use sick because I don’t want to be sick, I just felt, I was just not physically well.
Despite my tardiness I still tried to remain being a top performer, I was still recognized and there were a few who tried encouraging me to come to work early but I had already lost myself and couldnt get a grip.
After one year of doing this, they eventually fired me.
Three months later…
And today, I’ve now found myself.
When I Iook back I don’t regret being fired. It was for the best. Maybe I would’ve been in asylum by now. Maybe I still have traits of low self-esteem but not enough to hold me down. I now know how to overcome something like that if it ever happens again. I have written a plan for my life. Even if it doesnt go that way, at least it’s a start because i’ve never done that before. I can get dressed quickly now and if I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror I now see myself to be a prettier version of me.
Everything that happened changed my life and now I want to go to college and get a professional degree in psychology because I know a lot of people out there share similar story and need someone who knows what it feels like to help them, to save and change their life.
And I want to at least be that person.
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