The Me Nobody Knows
I don’t really think anybody knows ME, sure they ‘know’ what I present myself as but is that the real me? Don’t get me wrong, I am not fake and I don’t want to purposely act different. I never felt in place. When I was in Pre-K, the woman who ran the school I went to told my parents I was “defiant.” So they rationalized that by putting my in a grade above, kindergarten. Now it may only be a year or so difference but growing up that really showed. Internally I overthought EVERYTHING. I always thought I was more immature than everyone else, but not immature in a “laughs at ‘innopropriate’ jokes” kind of immature, it was more of me thinking I was mentally ‘underdeveloped’ in a way everyone got along and had fun in their own cliques and I was always just kind of stuck. “Would it be funny if I said this?” “Will they think we have the same humor if I laugh along too?” “Do we have the same beliefs or am I just agreeing so I’m not the odd one out?” My mental health depletaed as I got older but also started young.
When I was about 6 or 7 I noticed my parents starting to not get along. The constant fighting, the name calling, the screaming matches. I hated it all. My brother never cared to listen and often times I asked him why he wouldn’t listen, but I had to know what was happening. To this day I can recall fights and words they used but who am I to stop them. After a decade of the non-stop bickering, they were declared separated during my freshman year. So, starting high-school was not so enjoyable. I managed to push through, meet new people, and try to figure out where exactly I fit in. Along the way, friendships fell out as they usually do and trust was a hard thing for me to have in others. At this time I knew I needed to go out and get a job, I called so many places and nobody was hiring , especially at my age. Flash back to when I was in middle school, my mom had a very well paying job but very unfortunately, her position was eliminated. This is when the financial difficulty started. My dad was ‘comfortable’ with his job to support all of us the best he could. His work business started to deplete and he resorted to becoming an uber driver whenever he had the chance to. During the summer when he had all the time in the world he stayed out from the moment he woke up until 3 o’clock the next morning.. every, single, day. My mom had her job but with the bills it’s like she had money for nothing else. Then, the pandemic. The thing that made all of our lives a living nightmare. My dad made a negative income, my mom started working 7 days a week all day long and I started working more. This is when I really had to support myself cause no one else really could. Even from 8th grade, I didn’t want to keep going to school in the same 5 variations of an outfit every week . I needed money to support myself the way my parents had trouble affording to, I didn’t want to feel like a burden…
Flash-forward to recent times, I was not feeling like myself, I thought maybe this was normal teenage sluggishness but it kept progressing. I kept seeing signs and symptoms and it got to the point where I told my mom I need to schedule a doctors appointment. Of course I started looking up all the possible things I could of had and came to a consensus of two things, and of course, I was right. That was the only moment in my life I was so incredibly upset that I was right. An autoimmune disease. I know people have it so much worse and I thank god that, that’s all it is but the symptoms were killing me. I could barely function and am still in the “in and out of doctors appointments” phase trying to find medication and things to help. So on top of the at home issues, financial issues and everything going on in my mind I thought “wow it really can’t get any worse.” Although I am facing all these internal struggles I still tried so hard in school and I did get accepted to MY dream school, Florida Atlantic University , I thought, wow new opportunities, an escape, a new life, a CHANGE. My parents are very very concerned about the money aspect which of course I totally understand but I want to make my own decisions for once. I wanted to go to my dream school and be proud of the work I have accomplished and I didn’t want anyone to stop me. So, everyday I take time out to apply to all the scholarships I can.
This story isn’t supposed to be sappy, or maybe reading.it, it really isn’t, I don’t know but this is my life. It may be just the surface but it shapes me to be who I think I am, an independent young women. So yea, no one I know , knows ME and I don’t show it. I think that since I know pain is temporary I will make my life my own soon and flourish , no help from anyone, no opinions. Just me and hopeful success.