Some people may say and think that I have lived a semi charmed life. Growing up I had an older brother and two younger sisters; my parents were together, and they made it work for the most part. My family all grew up close and especially my sisters and I grew up inseparable and best friends. My senior year of high school the unimaginable in my perfect little life happened and my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was struggling in school and trying to finish strong so I could get into college to make my mom’s dreams come true for her kids. I worked hard, and before I graduated, I had secured a spot at the local college of UNH. My mom was able to attend my graduation and see me start my freshmen year of college. My mom had also gone into remission, and they had thought they had cured this for her.
At the end of the first semester my mom felt something was off and went for another look, they told her she had three weeks to live. She would be leaving behind my youngest sister who was only 12, the middle sister who was 15, myself at 18 and my brother at 20. Three weeks passed and she had lost her fight with cancer, and we had lost our whole world. My mom was the type of person who everyone adored, she lit up a room, made people feel welcomed and accepted, was creative, thoughtful, and incredible.
I knew my roll at this moment would change forever I quickly and fiercely swerved into the role of protector of my younger sisters as my brother was not there for us much. My dad started dating and within a year was married, never caring to put energy or focus into my younger siblings. The youngest of which was quickly spiraling out of control. She didn’t have proper guidance or therapy to deal with loss and turned to poor friend choices and rugs to cope. She went against my dad, and he took it personally and lashed back out. He sent her away to a girl’s home where she slowly started to lose all sense of sanity and hope for the world. I knew immediately I had to step in I had to do something. I knew I didn’t have the power to take her out, but I was there for her. While trying to work, attend college, full time, and put in the hour plus drive every other day to care for her I was no longer able to properly guide my own life.
I made it through college and graduated but with not much of a plan and a lot of debt. During this time my other sister had lived with me as well as she went through bad breakups and even divorce at young age. My youngest sister also had run away from one of the home and became pregnant. She decided to try and keep the baby. Shortly after the baby was born however her mental health declined and I took the baby in for her while she was admitted to the psych ward once again. We were all forced with the unbearably difficult decision to put the baby up for adoption. (To help we found an amazing family who love her more than anything, an open adoption and she is safe and cared for).
My sister was eventually able to live on her own. my middle sister graduated college and got a great job and is living so well with a husband and children.
I am struggling, I have not ever been able to pick up all my pieces that I let fall while I tried to save and keep my siblings together and from falling apart. I could never know if my choices were correct to sacrifice myself, but I can tell you I would never hesitate to do it again. Although I am not financially sound, I was safe, I was strong, and I could endure anything I needed to for my family and that is always.
I am currently facing divorce and have two amazing children of my own. My car won’t make it to my next inspection, and I have credit card debt due to medical and car bills. I need to be able to move out on my own, take care of my kids and move on to the next chapter of my life living for me and my kids.
I need this debt of my past to be gone, the debt I uncured to make everyone happy but myself. Right now, I am working in the Early Childhood Education field, and still giving back to children and families all that I can to help them start their lives strong and provide safe space for children who may not have that when they leave our Centers in the evening. I help our teachers who struggle in their daily lives, try to make this a place of love, light, support, family, and learning.
Please help me I am basically at the lowest and begging for help.
Sincerely,
Stephanie
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