In January I became unemployed. I wasn’t fired or laid off or anything dramatic. My contract ended and the company chose to not renew. I knew that my job was coming to an end and I did the responsible thing and saved up as much money as I could so that I would be able to continue to pay my bills during my transition into my next job. I assumed this was going to be a no big deal, walk in the park transition. After all, I had plenty of foresight and I started seeking employment months before I became unemployed. I never imagined that six months, what feels like thousands of applications and literally dozens of interviews later, I would still be unemployed. I’ve never in my life struggled to find work. In fact, until this last six months, I have never had an interview that didn’t end with me being offered the job.
Actually, it is slightly inaccurate for me to say that I have been unable to land a job during these last months. I have had several interviews that went well and actually did result in me being offered a position. All three were remote positions, which is what I have been seeking. After my job ended in January, I was able to keep up with my bills for longer than I had intended, surprisingly. I was expecting it to take a couple weeks, six, at the most, before I was again gainfully employed, so the fact that I was able to continue to pay my bills all the way through March and it wasn’t until the middle of April when I was unable to cover my bills, was both equally impressive (that I was able to “survive” and make my money stretch in ways I didn’t know was even possible for me) and frustrating (because everyday I wake up telling myself, “Today is the day. I will get hired today,” and every night I go to sleep telling myself, “Tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day.”). The place I was buying my car from had always worked with me and let me make my payments late. It may not have been on time, but it was always paid. While I was working it was a bitch paying $200 for insurance in addition to my car payment, but it was manageable. To make a long story short, I ended up having to turn my car in.
It wasn’t for a lack of trying. I had run out of money I had saved up, but I’ve always been a firm believer in not believing in the phrase “I can’t” and I refused to say, “This is too hard,” and give up. I was doing what I could to come up with money, doing odd jobs for friends and family when they needed help and could afford to help me out by hiring me to mow their lawn and do minor repairs around the house (which I am grateful for their generosity in allowing me to work for them) but the money I was making doing that was minimal and didn’t put me anywhere near coming up with ny insurance payment, much less my car payment. Having no other options, I started selling my things. Pawn shops don’t pay any where near the value of the item, but they are convenient and faster than attempting to sell on eBay or OfferUp, but because they pay so little, I quickly ran out of valuables and was down to selling my clothes. I was two payments (I paid every two weeks, so I was one month behind) behind and I was able to come up with all but $100 I needed to be able to keep my car. They wouldn’t accept partial payment, so it was all or nothing and I was so proud of myself for not letting life defeat me. At this point, I was so close, just $100 short, I made my last sale. It wasn’t for my lack of trying, I tried very hard, but I guess I just literally ran out of things that other people would pay money for.
While I understand these hardships are no one’s responsibility but my own, I also feel it is these same times where we turn to our families for help. I think, even at my age (32) that is was reasonable to think I would be able to turn to my mother for a very small loan. While I do not at feel that she owes me anything, I can’t help but feel a little more than betrayed (although, I really was foolish to expect anything from her other than for her to be the way she has always been) by the her refusal to help me, when she was more than capable of doing so. Last year I was paying all the bills, not just my part of the bills, but hers as well. Even though she had a job and money coming in, her hours were reduced and, because she is my mother and I saw how she appeared to be stressed over her financial situation (even though this reduction didn’t at all make her incapable of covering all of her bills, it just left her without any extra “fun” money) and I was in a position to make her life easier so I did. Let me be honest with you, I had more selfish reasons for doing this than simply to make my moms life easier. My mother has resented me since the day I was born (a direct quote from my aunt and my grandmother) and while she sometimes makes an attempt to hide this, he efforts are minimal and when she is stressed or if she is having anything less than a perfect day, she is a nightmare to be around. She is verbally and mentally and emotionally and (rarely) physically abusive to me. My mother has an unnatural affinity for money so my motive in allowing her to keep her money for herself and choosing to pay all of the household bills was more to give myself the break in her constant verbal assaults than it was motivated by my concern for her mental health. Regardless of my motivation, the fact is that I did this for over a year.
I never once got a verbal thank you, and the appreciation I felt from her came in the form of simply not telling my daily how much of a disappointment I am. Of course, the moment I told her that I had ran out of money and couldn’t continue to pay her phone bill or the lot fee and the I would only be able to continue to pay my portion of the bills (which I have managed to maintain paying throughout this entire period of me being unemployed) I was told I was an ungrateful, selfish and entitled child. I was even told the wrong kid died – my brother died a couple years ago let’s just say that I was never her favorite, and to her, he could do no wrong. While losing him has been difficult for us both, her resentment for me has reached a level of her being unable to hide it at all.
I want to interrupt myself right here to say that I apologize if I am all over the place. Just asking for help, in general, is hard enough for me, but telling my story is equally difficult. I am not sure if I should even be putting some of this in here, I have typed, deleted and retyped these words several times, unsure of what is and isn’t appropriate and I don’t want to come across as if I am seeking sympathy or appear like I’m on a pity party. Ultimately, I’ve decided to go ahead and leave the part about my mom in this request for help because I am exaplaing my situation and the reason why I am needing the help I am asking for. Also, I’m chosing to leave that part of my story in because this is part of my life that I keep to myself and don’t typcally talk about – this is actually the first time I am telling anyone about that aspect of my life, and quite frankly, as I type I am realizing it’s one of those things I need to talk about.
Im going to try to wrap this up, I didn’t intend for this to go on this long but I feel I needed to explain all of this in order to explain why it is that I am in need of the help I am asking for. I mentioned earlier that I had severl interviews that went well and I was offered a job. Even though these were to be work-from-home jobs, to finalize the hiring process (fill out paperwork, pick up equipment, etc) I was required to show up at the company’s physical location. I don’t live in an area where I have access to public transportation, I literally had no money for a Lyft or an Uber, I have no friends I could have asked for a ride, and my mother, while constantly relling me I was a lazy, entitled, selfish POS who doesn’t feel like I should have to work (her go-to insult when she’s been drinking), refused to give me a ride for these jobs which I was initially hired for. After missing my appoinments with these companies, my mother would tell me that she doesn’t understand why I think I’m too good to work at McDonald’s or the 7Eleven that is within walking distance from my house. Which, to me makes no sense when those jobs pay a littlle over minimum wage and the other jobs, the ones I was hired for but unable to begin working, paid $17-21 an hour, came with benefits, etc.
I am no longer unemployed. I am currently working at Denny’s, it’s about two miles from my house and most days I walk to work and back home. I am not a lazy person and I really wouldn’t mind having to walk if I wasn’t walking to work in one-hundred and five degree weather and then having to walk home at midnight. Which, again, the walk home wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t live in such a dengerous part of town. A decent pair of shoes would also make the walk more bearable.
I am a waitress. I make $2.13 an hour plus tips. The issue with that is, the Denny’s I work at