Hi all, I know there is a very good chance this won’t get read compared to the thousands out there that each have their own situation and why they are in need. I know there are people out there that have it way worse than I do, but in this moment, right here, right now, I feel I can’t find my way out of this hole what was dug for me.
I am a 30 year old single mother. My daughter’s father passed away almost 2 years ago now, not that he helped much when he was here. I’ve basically been a single mother from the start. He was physically there, but taking care of his chid was babysitting to him.
Things were good for awhile, until they went bad. I was a mother, a full time college student and a full time employee when I was 18 years old. It was hard work, but it was worth it to me. That’s around the time my child’s father (Mike) started getting delusions. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was the start of his schizophrenia. I tried to bear through it, I tried to help, I tried to save him. I allowed the abuse to go on much longer than it should have. I allowed him to suck every ounce of joy from my life. I tried saving him, and in turn lost myself. I went from a happy, motivated, outgoing person to a depressed, sad and full of anxiety women.
I continued to push through life, not realizing just how much I had lost myself. I let this man take everything. I loved him, I wanted to help him…. to save him. I was always a strong women, I always stood up for what I believed in, I was always there for any and everyone that needed help, I just couldn’t see, I was now the one that needed help. His mental health brought him to the brink of insanity. He believed with every ounce of his being that I was hiding a guy in our home, and said guy would do things to tourment him. He set up recordings, if I was minutes late from work I must have been off screwing around with someone. I would cook meals after work and he wouldnt eat it at times saying this guy in our home had spit in it. I could go on and on about the issues his delusions brought on. He turned to drugs as an outlet, which most definitely made things worse. Not in his eyes though. He lost everything we ever had through his addiction. Every dollar ever saved, gone, any nice electronics we had, gone. Any and everything the pawn store would take. He took it. I should have gotten out immediately. I should have ran like hell, just as his own grandfather had told me too. I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave the man I loved while he was at such a low point in life. I had to help him. He ended up losing his battle to addiction almost 2 years ago. I still cant fully talk about some of the abuse that occured through our relationship. I am still picking up the pieces of the mess left behind. I am still trying to find myself again. I am in such a financial crisis. It is currently 7:17 a.m. I just woke my daughter up for school and don’t even have gas in my car to drive her the 5 blocks away. (It is very cold where I live right now) I work very hard, but it’s a paycheck to paycheck life right now. My daughter’s birthday is this week. I am struggling with how to pay for that. I understand it is no ones responsibility but my own to take care of my child and I. I understand I allowed things to get the way they did. I am just looking for a little saving grace to help keep us afloat while I continue to pick up these pieces. I appreciate any and everyone that has taken the time to read through what became my hell. I appreciate any and everyone that helps. If you know someone currently dealing with abuse, please try and help in any way possible. It can destroy a person, and the abuse can and often will continue to get worse. I hope someday I can help abused women, I want to take what I’ve been through and turn it into a positive. I have to heal myself before I can help others, but that is my goal. I can and will become that strong willed women in once was. I just want to say thank you again to any and everyone that has helped, plans on helping, or even helps another abused women. Thanks again.