It’s funny when u look back on ur life and say “my where has the time gone” I’m sure we all have said or thought that one time or another.. what I remember the most as I look back at my life is my Nana always saying to me “you’re not going to be young forever” Now at 44, her words linger in my thoughts more than usual.
My name is Calouia and if I could rewind time the only thing I wld do differently is listen more often to my Nana. She was always saying things like “your mind is a terrible thing to waste” or “you’re not a stupid woman but u do dumb things” lol My Nana had a way of putting things… She had so much faith in me, unfortunately I had no faith in myself. Life had beat me dwn and broken me. It’s taking me years to overcome some of life’s heartaches. It’s almost like this is an expected part of a woman’s life: sexual abuse, molestation, domestic abuse…… Even when u do your best to block out certain painful situations, they still seep out the cracks of your life.
My Nana’s favorite thing to say to me is “Cissy are u going to sink or swim?” I always worried about that because it seemed like I was doing more sinking than swimming. But I never gave up. I fell lots of times but I always get up. I want to be a good example for my 10 year old son. To show him no matter the situation, u never give up u keep swimming. But mostly I want to make my Nana proud. I finally decided to go to nursing school. Life tho had other plans. My favorite person, my best friend, my reason for never giving up, died Dec 11th 2020… I couldn’t breath I couldn’t eat or sleep. I was numb. A few months have passed and it’s still hard I still cry I still wanna scream some nights. Some nights I do scream. I just want my Nana back. I wasn’t ready, I will never be ready to live without her vibrant smile and sassy attitude. She was my hero. If I cld be half of the woman she was I will be on top of the world, living my best life. I’m sad writing this just thinking about my Nana. All her words of wisdom all the times I listened and all the times didn’t but shld have. Smh. I’m not stupid woman but sometimes I do dumb things…. So what’s my pointy your asking what am I trying to ask for your wondering. Another chance to still make my Nana proud so she can look down from heaven and see that I made it. I’m behind in my bills and my rent… My nana left me a car but it needs work and I don’t have the money to fix it. Ii just need a little help to catch up on my bills and get this car fixed so I can go to nursing school. And also do more things with my son who is awesome and deserves the world. I just need a little boost to get on my feet. I realized that the best thing I cld ever do in honor of my Nana is keep swimming… To succeed. To be who she always knew I cld be. It’s going to be hard especially going back to school at my age. But u know what? Idc. I’m going to fight I’m going to strive to have a better life. You may decide to help or u may not but know this, I’m going to swim!