I need help.
I am 30 years old, she/they, single mother, recently diagnosed with bipolar 1, CPTSD, ADHD, and possibly Autistic… I have lost everything in this last year; I have trouble even writing it all out because it seems I tend to go on extensive tangents when trying to address just how many problems I’m facing.
So, to break it down as simply as possible:
•》I was recently seeking help and diagnosed with serious mental illnesses.
(CPTSD, possible Autism, BP1, ADHD, generalized anxiety, major depressive disorder)
•》 I was abused and secluded as a child; I was raised religiously, strictly, and I was home-schooled.
•》I was homeless at 15 and living with my abusive boyfriend who raped me and fed me substances.
•》I am still struggling on finding proper help due to finances, accessibility, waitlists, etc.
•》I have 2 children of separate fathers; I have an 8 year old daughter who I have custody of*** and a 10 year old son who I am the Non-Custodial parent and pay child support that I cannot afford.
***her father and I had joint custody(she primarily stayed in his care because of the instability in my life) He had a schizophrenic break and is now supposedly in treatment and after hearing what he’s put her through I have no intention on ever letting anyone, except for myself, be her primary care provider.
•》 I am currently homeless and living in my car
•》 my car has now broken down(a rod barring was thrown out due to my overwhelmed brain and I forgot oil). I am now stuck. I was commuting 2 hours to try and work a job and also have the support for babysitting from my toxic parents. I feel they hope I never come back and continuously ignore my phone calls or requests
•》 I was recently “woke up” from a manic psychosis episode myself, it seems to have been due to the stress of events in the last year:
– My son was hit by a car in hospital for months(he is doing well recovering)
– Jobloss due to COVID
– Car accident totalling car
– More job loss
– Unemployment revoked
– being evicted
– Breaking up and fighting with my partner
– Living in car still
– Moving back to a city I felt at home in but still feeling completely alone.
– I am ridiculed heavily in my hometown because I am an easy target people say is – “easy to make fun of”
•》 I am attempting to repair the damage that was done during my bipolar blackout
• I don’t know what to do. I may update more later I’m just totally overwhelmed.
I have lost EVERYTHING… again… but this time it hurts more than the last and I don’t know how much more I can take.
I feel I am constantly begging for someone to help. Feeling like I have a bullseye on my back and the circumstances of my thoughts are constantly against me.
We tried to fix things and get out of a bad situation, my (ex)partner and I; we did our best but nothing ever stuck until we got to Austin. I don’t like asking for help and I feel a lot of shame in my life for things in and out of my control.
I will say there are about 5 people who have come through for me and I don’t know that I don’t believe I’d alive without them.
Please, I desperately need help.
I am at the bottom of the ocean, drowning and wishing someone would have taught me how to swim.