Married at 42, believing in love conquering all. Both never having married before. It wasn’t quite what I expected. Somehow I became the sole provider. What we agreed would be us both giving our all, 100% each, turned out to not even being 50%-50%. It was closer to 100%-10%. Believing in love, marriage, and good – I expected things would get better and they did – just enough to keep me hopeful.
I had our child at 44. He promised I would be able to stay home with our son. But he never even tried to get a job. So after my maternity leave ended, I sucked it up and responsibly went back to work. By default he became the stay-at-home dad.
Somehow though, nothing I did was good enough. I kept it positive though 95% of the time or more. I was called fat- I had 3 accidents after marrying one requiring surgery, a couple broken bones, and chronic pain – so I had gained weight, but always had a decent shape and figure. I was repeatedly told to go back to work when I would come home after working more than a full day, or even some extra hours at freelance work. Criticized for anything and nearly everything at times. Especially anything having to do with God, which he knew from moment number 1, that is most important in my life.
For several years, I kept working on being the best wife and mother I could be. Every time he stopped doing something I picked up the slack. He stopped fixing the car, I took it to a mechanic and paid. He got rid of his car, I drove our son to and from school and everywhere else. He stopped cleaning after the pets, I did. He stopped cooking, I did. He stopped cleaning, I did. He stopped caring for the property, I weed wacked and pulled thigh high weeds as best I could, paid to have trees cut down that were dying and threatening our home- I got a discount for them leaving the trees down as my husband agreed to chop them up-he never did. He stopped going places with us, like on annual vacations and to visit family.
I kept positive best I could and worked on getting healthier. I lost a third of my weight, now weighing less than when we married. I was feeling so good and told by everyone, except my husband, that I looked amazing.
Our son was struggling in elementary school. Then I lost my job. And I thought, now he will shine. He will step up so I can help our son, he will get a job, and I can work part-time and freelance as needed. I had a friend help set him up with a job, with benefits, $19/hr. He turned it down.
Instead, he said we were separated. I was so confused. Then a couple weeks later and right before my 50th birthday he said he had a place to stay and abruptly left. A week after my birthday, he said he loved us but couldn’t do this anymore and was leaving for good. Maybe even leaving the state. He won’t say where he is. He had a job for two months last year after leaving us and says he is filing his own taxes. I will lose all tax breaks for married joint filers, and do not qualify as head of household because he was not gone a full six months of the year. I may actually owe filing a married filing separate return. Still waiting on my W-2 from the job I lost.
I have been keeping just above drowning in debt due to God’s provision undoubtedly. I have been able to freelance while my son is at school and the few family members I have, are graciously lending me money as they can without me asking. I received a calendar rom one last week with $75 and a book of stamps safety pinned inside to the page for January. I am literally freelancing to pay bills on a day by day basis. Behind on some like the phone which I have a payment arrangement to get caught up.
I am still shocked. However, since looking into how to try to save my marriage – as I believe in forgiveness and my vows and our son is distressed without dad. I have learned this is not uncommon, not in the least. I sought out an attorney to find out our rights. We have a right to potentially alimony and child support without filing divorce – however – my husband has no income and you can’t get blood from a stone. He did say he was looking for work, maybe as a cashier. I have a regular job, with benefits I will be starting in February, I will not be able to freelance once I do.
So my ask… well asks … Prayers and financial help.
Any money to help with bills at all. (These are rounded)
I owe $38,000 on the home – payment is $640/mo.
I owe $2000 in property taxes. No insurance on the home currently, I need a new roof so it will end up being force placed and added to the mortgage.
I owe $34,000 on the car – payment s $609/mo. (this was a tax write off for 2022 but wont be for 2023) (auto insurance is paid to June).
I owe $38,000 in student loans – in deferment -payment normally $256/mo.
I have $12,000 in credit card debts (I know this is awful- yes Dave Ramsey I have stopped using them), I used to pay them off as used monthly – but was unable to since losing my job and husband, used what was left to pay car repairs and maintenance, medical and dental expenses and other bills, “Robbing Peter to pay Paul,” and I have only been able to make minimum payments-the interest is killing me.
After school care for me to work is $175 week.
I would like to do a save my marriage workshop, call me a fool, but I love and care my husband, believe in my vows and know people who have been reconciled after worse and after as many as 15 years, with a much better marriage now. The one by Marriage Helper seems the best, including travel from FL to TN it would be a few thousand dollars. I am making use of all their free resources available right now.
I would also like to continue with my health journey, losing a third of my weight and still recovering from 3 recent accidents and injuries- now being 50, I would like to work with a trainer – this would be several thousand to get personalize help to rebuild by strength and flexibility and establish endurance to keep up with our son who loves to run, camp, hike, play baseball, swim, and all the things a young boy loves to do -which his dad used to do with him. I want to cry, I can’t believe this. I actually am crying now.
If you will help at all and can put a memo what “ask” you are sending help for I promise to put it to that specifically. Thank you for reading this. Please pray for my marriage – our family, my son, and me specifically – at times every moment is a struggle. I know that God is in control. I know we will come out refined from this trial by fire.