Hello.
To whomever might read this, I’m going to tell you a little bit about myself and my issues.
First of all, I need you to know that talking (or writing) about myself is something that I rarely do. I’m not an open person and I never ask for help in personal matters. People at work find me to be polite, trustworthy and a good listener. But none of them know about the constant stress I’m under. Sometimes I feel my heart beating so hard I can barely stand up. I try to take a deep breath to calm down but there’s no space in my loungs so I cough it up again. I don’t think this state is visible just by looking at me, I’ve got a calm personality and I guess I manage to look calm while it feels like something’s exploding inside me.
As you might have guessed, my financial situation is my bigest problem. While writing this, I have about 40€ in my bank account and my next salary will be paid out in 2,5 weeks.
I have two kids who is living with me every other week and with their father the other weeks. Two boys at age 8 and 10. They are amazing and they bring so much joy into my life. I want them to have everything that a child could possibly want, but the only thing I am really able to give them is love. Love isn’t bad, but there’s so many physical things that they need, like new beds (they’ve outgrown them), clothes (also outgrown), healthier food and doing things like going to the movies or visit the zoo sometimes, even going out for ice cream (!) and it breaks my heart that they prefer being at their dad’s home. And I can’t blame them.
I’m actually trying not to cry now, I don’t even know if I’m going to post this, it feels so personal. And so deplorable. But on the other hand, I’m not sure anyone is going to read it.
So how did things get this bad, you might ask. I’m not really sure myself, but looking back at my life so far (I’m 34 years old btw), I’ve always been kind of poor. I grew up with a mom who didn’t care about anything and she lived off the child support which did not get spent on her 4 kids. Growing up I was very insecure, I had one or two friends, I wore second hand clothes, I had to walk 3 km to school every day, and home every evening regardless of the weather condition. As soon as I got home I buried myself in books and writing diary entries and poems. Somber writing got me through my teens and I left home as soon as I could. Now I live across the country and I don’t have much contact with my family.
I’ve done pretty good for myself considering the past. I got a job in programming and the salary felt decent at the beginning. Now I know that people can make a lot more doing what I do but I can’t really move to another area because of the kids. I’ve never been good with cars and I think that’s the beginning of the downwards economical spiral, or whatever it might be called. I bought my first car and I felt great, I had gotten a loan and I was paying it every month. The car was not exactly new and eventually it needed to be replaced. Buying my next car cost a bit more but I was able to get the loan and all was fine. I soon realized my car was too small especially with two kids. So I went to trade it in for another in the same price range but it was apparently in such a bad condition that I got almost nothing for it. So I took another loan. By this time my credit was not great having taken on more loans before completing the payments so the interest got much higher.
I struggled on for a bit and had to buy food on credit cards because of the loans. When that last car got a flat tire on New Years eve I got so tired of unreliable cars I decided to trade it in for a Volvo because they seemed to be most reliable. Believe it or not, the dealer was stunned when I rolled my car in for a trade. He’d never seen a car in such bad condition and was surprised that I even made it all the way there. Needless to say I got almost nothing for it. But with a very high interest loan I was able to get that Volvo which I’ve now had for about 4 years. It’s not new and it’s almost gone 125 000 miles, but it still takes me to work and the kids to school every morning.
Where I live we have this authority that, if you can’t pay off your loans in time every month and you get behind, they go in and they take some of your salary to spread out to the different lenders. This is what they do to me, leaving a small amount that they’ve calculated as the least amount that a person can survive on. And I wish I made more money from working a full time job, so that they could take more. Every month my debts are getting even bigger and I’ve realized that I’ll never get rid of them. This is my life now and I’ve made this mess all by myself.
I don’t really think I deserve to ask for help, maybe that’s why I’m hiding this mess from everyone. But maybe there’s someone out there who has more than they need and would like to help others. I need to tell that someone that I’m here, I am struggling, I have begun to fear for my health because of all the stress and I am in need of some help.
Best regards.
paypal.me/pb9545