WAIT, PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!
I just want to mourn in peace. These are words that have traveled through my mind since, April 10th, 2021. Shortly after leaving a family outing, my world was forever impacted and changed. My soul mate of 13 years was tragically murdered by one of our close friends, we just had dinner with days prior. My heart shattered to mere dust and the pain depicted an unreal reality. We have a nine-year-old daughter who is delightful, intelligent, respectable, adventurous, and most importantly daddy’s little princess. This unfortunate circumstance has left me with few moments to grieve and accept my family’s truth. Having to switch out aprons, for a suit of armor to comfort our nine-year-old and hold up the lively hood that was build off his strength has been heavy. I suffer from hidden anxiety and depression. But I have been pushing forward for the sake of my little princess’s wellbeing. Honestly, I graduated from nursing school and around the time of this tragedy, I was preparing for my state boards after previously failing the test. With the help and motivation at home from my finance, I was ready to push my dreams, then April 10th happened. Words can’t even explain what I have been through and how the stain of death has traumatized me. I dreamed of going to nursing school since I was four years old, and I achieved it. Always wanting to help save life’s, I gaze off in moments of disbelief that I was unable to save him. This made me depleted of any source of energy when it came to what I once knew as my dreams. Images of his lifeless body and being surrounded with the realization that he is really gone has burdened me. My soul is weak, but I fight daily to overcome my grief and create ways to support my daughter and our household. So, I’m in college, this time for business. I have business creations that have been an outlet to coping with my lost. I felT like I need to live on his name so people can remember who he was. But during this process I realized I didn’t know who I am, without him. I’m in the phase trying to accept my life where everything falls solely on me. I drag my weighed down body that is swollen with grief, off the couch every day to take my daughter and myself to school. To add, I come home, take care of my animals, help my daughter with homework, do my schoolwork, cook, clean, while collecting in my mind all the bills I’m barely maintaining. But can’t afford to lose, because this is the only thing I’m trying to keep as close to normal, as my daughter and I try to connect with our new reality.
One day, changed 13 years of what I knew as life. Trying to live on while dangling with fear, uncertainty, loss of identity, a mame cape and no one sees my pain seeping through. I hold my head up high I go to school use financial aid to support me and my household. This is normally exhausted out once I make current missed bills and saving the little left to put towards bills forward and maintaining the household. When that runs out, I’m back where I started waiting on school money just to use majority of it up in late fees. Then it’s back to the pawn shop temporarily. I’m trying and I’m pushing with everything left in me to keep my castle up, mask my pain and stay focus. But I’m burning out, slowly breaking down because I just don’t have the time or finances to heal. Making the 24hr, 7 days a week, fear of losing everything, drain me. With no support and outlets, outsiders would say shouldn’t this make you work harder. I’m working as hard as I mentally and physically can, I promise. But it’s not good enough. I was knocked down on my back, I can’t just stand up. I had to roll over, make it up to my knees and now I’m at the point where I just want to stand up through all the obstacles, circumstances, and pain. But my knees keep buckling, I worked so hard to get back to my knees and I don’t have the resources of a helping hand to say… “I saw you with no energy get to your knees, and I see you trying to stand. But I understand you just can’t do it alone, so here, take my hand.” I HAVE NO ONE! But the ALMIGHTY CREATOR! That’s the only reason I have came this far. So, I prayed and prayed and prayed for an outlet. That’s when I came across this site. I have been nervous to use it because I was showed early on if I beg there is never anyone on the other side. My fiancé came from the same reality as me, it was the first time I ever felt safe in this world and supported. Most importantly I was never alone. My experience made me search for the creator. Now I know its ok to ask for help and leave it in his hands. I am a real person, and this letter was from my heart. The main thing I need help with is rent, catching up my car note and car insurance, credit card debt. Getting a tombstone for him, getting my animals to the vet and my nursing test. I believe if I could just get a fresh start with these things to get me by for 2 months, I can focus on my nursing test.
If I could just breathe for once, I believe I could change my life. I would focus my time on my nursing test, pass it, make stable income. Which would maintain my bills and hopefully fund my business adventures to further provide stability and give me the opportunity to help others in similar situations. As well as empower others from all different walks of life to fight through external and internal circumstances. But first I must fix myself, take my strength back and hopefully this will lead to me being able to finally, just grieve in peace! Then I can show the world what I look like as a survivor. PLEASE LISTEN TO MY UNHEARD CRYS. I AM READY TO BREAK FREE! I’m asking for 10,000 to start my life over and if possible 5000 towards his tombstone. But whatever you can contribute is a blessing. Even if you can’t help, thank you for taking time out to read my letter. I wish everyone the best.