Stay at home…
Being a stay at home mother, of two beautiful babies, a wonderful almost 2 year old son and a beautiful 5 month old daughter. My hands are full. Before my son I worked in customer service. I absolutely loved my job, even better my job loved me. After my son turned 1, I found out I was pregnant with my baby girl. That’s when I became a stay at home mama.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love being a momma. It’s the best time of my life. Smiles, giggles, messes, those random leg hugs and super wet slobber kisses, oh and those blow out diapers (can’t forget those) and loud blood piercing screams and tantrums that drive you up the wall with overwhelming anger…but in the end I still would not trade it for anything else.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years I’m June. He was always on top of everything. Bills were paid, food was kept in the fridge and on the table. I got to go baby shopping without wondering if I’d still have enough to buy diapers. After we moved, after we had our daughter things changed. He owns his own business. He’s a metal building contractor. He use to not be so stingy, or money hungry. But things have changed. I’ve noticed his attitude turned dark. Started not trusting me, going through my phone, accusing me of cheating. (Like I have time to do so, or would even do that) But yet he was the one with the secrets. Dark. Miserable. He’s a substance abuser.
We fight. I get upset that he had me be a stay at home mommy, which I love, but the fact that I was bringing home money. Everyday we had money. I had cash to buy food or diapers or wipes or even a toy and outfit. But now, I have to either turn in change (like I did tonight) just to get baby food for my princess. Or ask my parents to buy me a box of diapers and food because we’re broke😪it’s getting old. It’s getting tiring. Stressful. I feel helpless and unfit at times. When I do what I have too, to get my kids food in their mouths. I breastfeed my daughter; but that’s still me needing to eat. I make sure my kids are fed and their needs are met before myself. My boyfriend just plays outside and welds.
I think he forgot what “Work” was. He hasn’t been to work in a while. When he does, he goes in at 10 instead of 6 and leaves at 3-5 instead of 7-8. Instead of building being finished in the time limit, he exceeds it. Making him lazier and no money coming in. He gets paid in 3 separate GIANT chunks but guess what..drugs. He pays rent and our necessities but late….never on time. Stress. I never know if I’ll even still be in this house tomorrow because of his communication skills.
Being a single mother is what I feel in this time of need. Diapers, food, clothing, car payment, all adds up so quick. My car is slowly faking apart. I’ve had to buy 7 tires in the past month because either big sharp rocks decide today is the day I get TWO blow outs, then the next morning another blows and now my suspension is trashed same with breaks. It’s hard. All my savings for school is gone. My tax return I was saving is gone. I’m helpless. I cry everyday. I just need help. Please. I’m constantly talking the father, but my anxiety won’t let me open my eyes to see change. I just need my kids happy, to know they’re loved and nothing can ruin that…
I just need help. To be both strong enough to get out and staring enough to be alone.
I appreciate everyone of y’all..💕