Hello. I am giving this a try because I have given up thinking I will ever be good enough to provide my kids and myself a good life within my own means. I lost my dad to cancer on thanksgiving when I was 16 and my mom to an overdose at 19. My mom used me and abandoned me for drugs and men. I quickly moved in with the safest person I knew at the time since I had no family to run to. He was a stranger still, but I didn’t know have any other options that I could turn to. We eventually became close and ended up having a baby even though I was on birth control. We had no car, making less than $400 month. He started working at Pizza Hut and I at a bowling alley. I had to quit when I had my baby and luckily I was able to get by on WIC. I quickly learned the person I trusted and thought I knew was not who I understood him to be. Alone in the world with no mom, dad, or even a sibling to give me advice, I found happiness in being a mother and I had 2 more, all 2 years apart. My mom overdosed just before my second child was born. But, they came so perfectly and naturally, and I felt proud of what my body was capable of. As they grew older, and money became more and more tight, things started to go downhill. I got a job at Pizza Hut as well and we seemed to get by without gov assistance or any family that could help. After having 3 kids, naturally the father was distracted by other females without responsibilities and bodies changed from childbirth. I tried to stay positive and focus on my kids. I began drinking cheap wine to get motivated to clean the house and it would help me look in the mirror and not hate what I saw. I eventually became addicted, and would drink at all times of the day, hiding the reality of my life. I wanted to badly to be better for my kids but I couldn’t stop drinking. The father of my kids and I got an offer to move to another town for pizza hut, so I thought we might have a fresh start. Wrong. He gravitated to other females more than before, and my drinking just got worse. I was never overweight or dirty, I didn’t understand why he would rather associate with other strange girls instead of the mother of his children. But anytime I tried to talk to him he would shut me down and then become abusive if I tried too hard to get him to just talk to me. One night, after an argument with him I began drinking alone. I don’t remember deciding to drive out but I apparently went to buy water because I had forgotten to get some at the store earlier that day and the father of my kids was angry at me for forgetting. After never being in trouble a day in my life, I got pulled over for failing to completely stop at a stop sign. I spent the night in jail. I called the father of my kids and he told me to call a bail bondsman and hung up on me. I called my previous boss who owned a loan/bondsman service. She helped me on the condition that I pay her in 2 weeks. I got out of jail on a Monday and by the end of the week I had sold every valuable item I had kept from my childhood/parents. jewelry, camera, clothes, shoes, furniture. I was able to purchase an older desktop and I began applying for remote jobs. The following Monday I received a call and an interview. I was late on paying my bail bondsman, but after 2 more weeks I paid her in full. Now came the cost of the DWI once it set in. I currently live in the spare room with the father of my kids and the 3 kids. I pay rent/bills/and half of the car payment even though the car is not in my name. He says this is what I deserve. I have desperately taken out credit cards and loans for school to get by when something was due or we ran out of food. He will take my kids from me if I make one mistake. I’m fighting to keep my job and my life. I wake up everyday and wish that I didn’t wake up. I’ve been sober from alcohol for 8 months. I was able to get help for my mental health due to being suicidal. But I am just at 5k in debt and all of my paycheck goes to bills, fines, and the very little left goes towards food/clothes for my kids. I am asking for anything, anything that I can put towards my debt so that I can get out of this situation and show my kids I can be strong. Right now I am slowly slipping into darkness. Everyday I get more and more behind. I eat beans and rice to get by so I don’t waste money on food for myself. My teeth have deteriorated due to not having dental insurance since I was 17, so it’s easier for me to eat this way. I could use anything at all. I have one half-brother, who sold my dad’s motorcycle and used the money to buy his wife’s wedding ring. He blocked me on social media so I know there is no chance he will ever help me. Please. If anyone with the means can find it in your heart to help me. I just want to know what it feels like to want to be alive. To have hope. I decided to post the last picture I took of my daddy alive. If he were still here, I know he would help me. I know it hurts him to see me living this way.
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