My Best Friend / fiancé died on Oct 26 2022. I am 33 been married and divorced. I have a 8 year old and 6 year old. In 2012 I was 22 years old. That’s When I realized that I had a serious mental illness that has been holding me back the majority of my life. I never seen a therapist, I was constantly punished. I was also verbally and physically abused as a child. My dad was bipolar, an addict and had anger problems. I didn’t know how to feel or how to express myself as a young kid. I was scared. I had bad vivid Nightmares every night. I was filled with timidity, fear and extreme anxiety by Jr. high. It affected me trimidously as a kid and even more as a single Dad in my 30s. I was diagnosed with ptsd, extreme anxiety disorder, and prescribed medicine to help treat signs of skitsophrania and paranoia. After becoming an adult, I was having trouble focusing, keeping jobs and just wanting people to see me as a normal person that didn’t have mental issues and over all, I wanted to feel like everyone else. Happy, Content, responsible, financially stable, or just being comfortable or not having extreme social anxiety and always feeling fearful of everything, everyday. I wanted to feel accepted by society. But I was the reason, my childhood was the reason and my mental state was getting worse. I witnessed one of my role models, best friends and father figure (myUncle) get hit head on, on a Honda VTX 1800 motorcycle. and his body thrown 60 ft. Killed on impact at 33 years old, then my parents divorcing on my sweet 16 Depression began to get bad. Had suicidal thoughts especially after my divorce in 2020. Then in 2021 Got with a good friend I use to work with. We fell in love and moved in together. I felt like I had a family again. I felt loved, she made me happy, she cared about my mental state and was slowly making it better just by being around. Most of all she was great with my kids. She had been in a though spot as well. We leaned on each other through this time. Voicing our thoughts and Sharing our love and offering a shoulder to lean on. After about a year in a half things were still going well. She had seizures every now and then since she was born. One day when she was by herself at the house in the bathtub, she had a seizure and drowned. Since October 26 2022 I struggle every day more and more with my mental health. I take Benzos and antidepressants, and whatever my crazy medicine is called. I been feeling alot of fear, depression and bad panic attacks and anxiety. They cut my hours at work due to mental health and I’m becoming more and more suicidal. The financial burden my mental illness has put on me is devastating. Everyday trying scrape or find money for food and toiletries. I pay rent, a car payment, phone bill, water, electric. And pay 120 dollars child support every week, while keeping my kids 6 months out of the year. I just want to feel happy and financial issues are keeping me from doing that at moment. I’m a good Dad that loves family and his kids. I just think having a little money to catch up and pay some things off would help my kids and I tremendously. Us being in a 1 bedroom apartment I have got to get a bigger place for me and my two kids. But it’s honestly the last thing that might keep me alive and get me out of this mental rut. I work 38 hours a week and make under 500 dollars a week after my child support and everything is took out. I want to be a Fun and better Dad. I want to have a good personality that gets people attention. I want to have money to do things with my kids and travel. Most of all I want to be Happy for once. Wondering if my kids are happy or if they wonder what’s wrong with me. Before it’s too late, maybe a financial blanket would take stress and pain and anxiety off my mind. I been Pretending to be happy for my children but I feel like a rock stuck in the cracks of the sidewalk. And my kids are starting to see I’m becoming empty inside and quiet. If anyone could help that would be amazing. If not a prayer would work as well. Anything to help me Be myself and lower my anxiety, ptsd, and mental issues.
Thankyou and god bless. Cash app #CBaldridge11 ~Respectfully Corey B