I really do not like being needy, but I’m at my wits end and completely exhausted.
I was doing ok and then because I worked in the service industry, I was laid off when the pandemic hit. I had been saving so I didn’t feel too worried. I just thought everything would get back to normal soon and I would be able to get back to work. That was March 2020.
My son was living with me and dealing with demons which was another thing but he was doing very well…until June 2020, I found him unresponsive and lost him that horrible day.
It’s strange how the brain works. One can say, oh I’ll never let anything affect me to that point… in time it’ll get better or easier. That’s not the case. Let someone have a baby and share a soul with that baby, bond with him for 1/4 of his life, sacrificing and giving everything you’ve got to bring him happiness and keep him safe and then just have him snatched right out of your life…no explanation, no mental or emotional pain relief because BELIEVE ME, It is the ultimate pain and there just is no higher degree of pain than this. Then let me hear them say and live by those words “it gets easier”.
So my mind’s wiring has been a bit faulty and cross firing. Not crazy, just stuck in a deep dark abyss. Although one part of my brain can have the very best intentions, there’s another part that holds it in complete suspense.
Fast forward to this year. I have a dog named Chance and he’s the sweetest most gentle soul. He’s the one thing that keeps me going. He loved my son Nick and Nick loved Chance. In fact, when Nick left (I don’t like to say passed away), Chance also went through grieving. He would lay his head on Nick’s pillow for long periods, looking so sad. It was difficult to see. If a dogs brain and heart can go through that, then how much more for a mother? To make matters even harder, as if a force was saying, “you don’t have enough sadness and hardship”, let’s pour on more. Chance developed a gum ball sized lump in his knee that seemed to appear before I ever saw it grow to that size. I researched as much as I could and the only thing that seemed like it fit the description and what I had hoped, is something called a Lipoma. That is a fatty deposit under the skin. It fit the description of the mass and it’s not cancerous. He seemed to be okay with it and it didn’t appear to be painful. I kept a close eye on it and it stayed the same until about 3 or 4 months ago. Chance loves to play ball. One day after a couple of fetches, I noticed a little blood on his leg and thought it must have jiggled and burst when
he was running. I cleaned it up and bandaged it thinking it would heal. He started chewing the bandages off and also chewing the wound and eventually revealed whatever was causing the mass. I did whatever I could. I didn’t know what to do anymore because by this time, all of my savings were depleted from paying rent and utilities and I couldn’t afford any kind of veterinary care at all. Things certainly do happen at the most perfect time…..NOT!! I researched for help with veterinary care assistance til I went cross-eyed. There are many sites for help with veterinary services but some are only for other states, some were for certain procedures only, some were out of funds and all the others had extremely long waiting lists. I visited many veterinary hospitals and local vet clinics, (I pictured myself) falling to my knees and begging for ANY kind of help, even if only a diagnosis or an educated guess. THAT just doesn’t happen these days. Come to find out that even the employees or veterinarians, who have supposedly gone into that field because of compassion and the desire to help all animals, has given in to the flow of doing something, not for the good but doing it just for the money. Chance and I were turned away every time, no matter if he was bleeding on their floor or even seeing the degree of desperation in my eyes. I finally found one vet that was willing to do a consultation only. She listened to his heart and felt around on his body and when she took the bandage off of his leg, the look on her face caused me to worry. She didn’t know what it was but she said it was not a Lipoma and the only way to know was to test it. Also if they were to remove it, she wants to do a heart work up because he has had a heart murmur since he was a puppy. She explained that it can be dangerous when they are put under anesthesia. She said he needed antibiotics and some pain/inflammation medicine and showed me the cost. My heart sunk because my pup needs this and I haven’t a dime. Someone must’ve intervened because later they came out with several packs of medicine that people gifted or left behind. Chance has been on the medication for a few weeks but nothing has really changed. He kept chewing on it making it bleed on almost everything until I figured out a way to prevent it. I keep him on a leash while he sleeps with me and the other end is wrapped around my wrist. Before, he would jump down and have a hay day with the wound and I would wake up to a site. This way, If he moves to jump down, it wakes me up to prevent that.
So I have even recently made a gofundme for him , which I am also posting here. It is complete with pictures and updates and the estimate from that vet.. I am beyond myself to watch as it’s being ignored with each day that passes. It has gotten only 2 donations in 2 weeks. One from a lady I used to work with and one from a friend of my son Nick. THATS ALL! I am in complete disbelief that these people know me and know my son, yet they don’t bother to either look at it or even comment or donate a dollar?? Where are we living?? where is the humanity?? Isn’t that what we’re here for, to help one another in times of need? I don’t need any more of this sadness, really!
Which now brings me to my current status. I don’t know what’s wrong, or why I seem to be failing so miserably or swimming in bad luck, I just do not understand. I have tried very hard to find a job. I get to the “ we want to take you to the next phase” step, which is usually an assessment for a particular role and one is for typing speed which is not my strongest skill. Then after that, I get a “sorry” email. This only causes me to sink further. I’ve always had the glass half full mentality but It’s difficult to think that way anymore. IT IS NOT LIKE IT USED TO BE!! Now the hiring process is so complex. I had the highest confidence that I would have a job no later than the beginning of December. What is wrong here? It’s almost like a cruel joke being played on me. I’m really trying but it’s just gotten so heavy and so overwhelming to think what to do next, when to do it, how to do it and oops there’s another day gone by and oops just got a disconnect electric notice new years eve. and ooops now rent is due Jan 1, 2022 but no way to pay it. HAPPY NEW YEAR! 😢
Thank you for listening and God bless