I can’t say I am entirely sure how I go about this, as I’m sure many others must say too.
I mean, how much of my ‘sob story’ does one need to know? Should I start from birth? Teen years? Do I simply bullet point the endless short comings, failures, attempts and other devastating life situations I have experienced?
I am lost.
I am 30 years old, I have two beautiful children, both boys, both awesome to their core. One I had too young, I was naïve and vulnerable and fell for a man who promised me the world, only I didn’t want the world, I just wanted love. Shortly after the birth of my eldest I was diagnosed with bowel cancer.
I remember my partner telling me at the time that he wished I had breast cancer as at least then I could’ve been bald but with a new pair of knockers! Nice guy.
My next relationship I had found my confidence, and grown my hair, still average boobs though I guess! This time though, I was desperate, really desperate for his love, to the point where I was willing to lose myself to please him.
My desperation for love, so my psychologist told me, was due to being neglected by my mother when growing up, I was never taught what true love was, therefore forever accepted anything which came close.
4 years of domestic abuse, sectioned under the mental health act and raped, I gave birth to my second son. A rape baby. I was terrified I wouldn’t love him, and yet my goodness! My heart could burst each time I look at him. He gave me the strength to get away.
In my professional life, I have worked in rehabilitating drug and alcohol addicts, my work has always been a huge part of me, I feel that my purpose on this planet is to help others, I carry a huge heart, and I remember each and every person who I have cared for, rehabilitated, referred, assessed etc. I also cook food for our local soup kitchen twice a week and I find great pleasure in doing so.
I then went on to work for the police force as a substance misuse officer, I would be there to speak up for those who had lost their voices, or were too judged to be heard. This job was the hardest. I found myself taking on the whole justice system! Truth was, I could never do enough for the vulnerable people of my city, it also felt as though the ones at the top, in their nice swanky offices were never interested in hearing what the lower class wanted to say. I would cry myself to sleep, the death rate was utterly shocking. I will always carry a special place in my heart for all the homeless and addicted I have had the pleasure to meet.
I left the police force. I decided that enough was enough, I needed more behind me if I wanted to truly help those less fortunate or those that carried demons and needed a voice. So, I October this year I started my masters degree in Criminal Psychology.
As a single parent, now a student, I needed help from my governments benefit system, for the first time. I started my applications for financial assistance in August 2018, I am still yet to receive a penny. I know what I am entitled to, but for some reason, it is taking so so long.
My landlord also decided to increase my rent by £250 per month. My abusive ex also has needed a restraining order, and I needed the assistance of a solicitor to protect my children, this also cost a lot of money.
Now, with being behind in rent, I have been handed an eviction notice, if I could get the money to pay what I owe him, then I hope he wont evict us. I also hope that by then I should receive some financial assistance whilst studying.
So, after that ramble, which was actually in a nutshell would you believe! If you’re still awake and reading, I could sincerely use your help. I am hardworking and a good person, I could just use a break really.
I really want to put my mark on this world, for the better, yet I feel that each time I try to do good for others, something awful happens to me.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading, and thank you for the help and donations you so freely give to others. God Bless