Help me move away from my abusive household
I’m a 25 y/o queer and “high-functioning autistic” individual, and it is my objective to be living by my own. To do that 100% safely I need 6000$ to start over and pay my debts until end of year and to move from my parents’ house, but still, I’m gonna jump onto the void with nothing but theorical hope and as little money as I have
¿But why? You may ask… ¿haven’t you moved away from your parents’ house?
Because it’s never that easy to produce for yourself when you have to always return to a place that plagues your mind with fear as you must prioritize survival over any responsibility. For that reason, I have troubles finding or sustaining any long-term job positions, relationships, friendships, education, well, any long term anything really
¿How is exactly your household abusive?
By forcing me to be somebody I don’t have the capacity to be, when I inevitably fail to meet the expectations my parents imposed on me, they provide more ways to insist on the same expectations, when I fail multiple times and inevitably break I´m sent through multiple therapies to fix me up, and then, thrown again onto the fray to get their impossible expectations fulfilled, failing again, and starting a new cycle all over again.
All of this ends up generating this tourniquet loop that squeezes the life out of me like if I was an old toothpaste tube, with each twist, my life becomes a little more degenerated,
I feel that in order to succeed I must keep things in secret from them so that they don’t trample in to my life looking for a way to forcefully embed themselves on it, usually crushing whatever I was working on.
My biggest wins at the moment are getting to keep my room private, dropping out of college, create a sort of stalemate time on which I’m floating in a “doing nothing with my life state” right now, having control over the little money I get to make occasionally, have a handful of friends scattered around my country and around the globe and having already met the person who I believe is meant to be my lifelong romantic partner.
For more details, read the following section, you can skip it if you want to
FAMILY SECTION (it’s a long appendix to this last question, there is a lot of detail, but this is not the central point)
My dad: For as long as I can remember I was always yelled by my dad because I couldn’t meet his expectations, not in school, not as his baby boy and barely as a person, I was constantly yelled and occasionally fiscally beaten by him until my early teens when I started to be able to defend myself, eventually he sort of gave up on trying to mold me to his created image of what I should be.
right now, on this moment of his life he is begging for emotional validation from me and my sister to keep his sanity, as all that violence has evolved in self-hatred. Responding his pity text It feels like a forced blood transfusion unwillingly taken from me and hanging out with him (it happens occasionally) it’s even worse, as I have to deflect the curve balls of lowkey personal attacks, digest the anxiety he feels for me and my failures and ignore the best as I can his out of place suggestions on how I should fix my life to be just like him, a miserable man always complaining about how the world is so unjust and cruel to him because of *insert whatever bullshit excuse here*.
Fear is what I feel when I’m around him or when he texts me or calls me, and he is always doing it, always with the idea of coming as a sort of wise advisor that will convince me of taking my life in the right direction and sort of fix me into becoming a loving child that is forever grateful for his advice. I have grown sour to him by obvious reasons and I want as much distance with him as possible, at least until he let me live my life my way
My mom: she is more of the protective and deny when in error type of person. Introverted, academic type, “scholarship and titles guarantee safe jobs” mentality. Forced me onto college, not much of an issue, but she does not let me get out, or miss a day (on this part of the world moving out for college is somewhat a rare occurrence). she is also the economic drive force behind the house, as she has a stable job unlike my dad, and she has an iron grip over all her decisions, if she doesn’t perceive the pain it causes or she doesn’t see it relevant, then she ignores it and continue with her original idea.
she is the one that runs the house. This gives her immense power of decision over what can enter or not on my life because I depend on her economy to have a house and don’t starve. She enforces her lifestyle on both her children as unregistered assets of what she perceives as her home. Always found ways, sometimes very forceful ways, to be involved, in some way or another, on all of her children projects, all of them, and she always has the last words over what can be done on the house
Until I dropped out of college, she forced me to always be doing something that she deemed appropriate for my economic future, all attempts on me have failed so far; for her to decide that it was a failure I must be unable to follow through because of either a mental breakdown or an exhaustion crisis.
She also decides what therapies I should go when I break “trying to hit the mark”; a wide range of treatments, from homeopathy to conventional doctors, just once on psychiatric treatment needed when I had a depression crisis on college, when this happened, she finally decided that my decision to not be in college has some value and must be tried
confronting her is somewhat pointless as she denies any argument that could challenge the ways she feels comfortable doing stuff, and when either my sister and I go crazy she deflects all responsibility of both her child mental health problems to my father
Ultimately she has the final saying on any decisions I make over myself, a full grown adult that has little to no agency over his life as long as I’m tied to her house or economy, I’m always doing pointless stuff that take me nowhere and eventually harm me, always trying to survive by living some sort of parallels lives, where I try to put as much effort on surviving, trying to pull my life together and keeping a fake image of myself so that she doesn’t force me onto some other stupid pointless quest that will break me on ways I don’t want to imagine.
She has built this fortress for herself to keep the outside world as irrelevant on her as humanly possible, she has built it around all that she considered valuable, she has built it around me. More than trapped on a house with her I’m trapped inside her world view.
My sister: she is alright, I’m sorry whatever harm has gone her way because of my constantly degenerating psyche, probably we could have had a better relationship. I’m glad you are building a career on the things you like and have a job on the same area, I’m sure you are gonna make it outside of the house someday. Hope to talk to you when we are both more free
END OF FAMILY SECTION
The last lasting consequences are that I am heavily isolated outside from my family, inability to sustain any long-term project as I must keep up with time consuming bullshit and care for my own survival at the same time and a multiple array of minor psychological problems I don’t yet grasp at the full scope of its severity and variety
I’m grateful still, all this situation has only made completely reversable (I hope) psychological and economical damage and nothing else.
I still have affection for them, I understand that they are doing what they think is the right thing based on their own issues and on what has worked for them, no hard feelings, but if I do nothing I will die on the inside, and promptly thereafter on the outside.
¿Why don’t you stay? You know, ¿why don’t just suck it up and have a guaranteed level of security?
I can tell you where exactly where my life is gonna look when I am 30, just imagine a useless skinny person without any life skills, with no social circle outside family, no money, no career, no children, no happiness, leaving nothing to the world when dead, reduced to be a puppet of his failed parents’ ambitions.
Even with free housing and food it’s not worth it to live here, at this point on my life I rather be a homeless bum on the street, fuck it, I rather have a painful and slow death as homeless crazy person than continue on this degrading path that makes all the bad decisions for me
¿But haven’t you been taken care of?
Yes and no. Yes, I have had a roof over my head, a warm bed, free food, healthcare and schooling, but at the expenses of being chronically lonely, anxious and depressed for most of my life, and they just don’t get it, they have never got it, and they will never look me as more than this fragile infant to be guided on every step.
I have developed personas for my family to pretend that I have my life somewhat in order, but in reality, I barely finish high school, couldn’t finish college, can’t sustain long term social relationships because I’m always exhausted and full of this really miserable existence that takes a mental toll on me daily and I have been battling with depression and suicidal thoughts since 16 y/o, peaking at college when I left it
At this point it feels like I’m just waiting for them to die in order to have agency over my life, but it is really not so much of a life plan, at least not for me, I hope not to anybody
I would rather die than living this mediocre life they are unconsciously paving for me.
¿Will you crash regardless? Out there in the world with nothing more than a school grade and almost no monetizable talents?
It’s possible, but I believe it’s highly unlikely, when I’m away from my home, as if by art of magick, my life improves drastically, I feel full of life capable of doing stuff, taking
opportunities, helping others, finding friends, love… when I get to be on my own disconnected of my home, I’m happy regardless of what comes my way.
¿How can you be so sure about that? I remember every single time my parents lost control over me for some amount of time.
Every. Single. Time.
first time when I was 14 they put me on a month long camp, over there I discover I could love life, and also met my SO still in contact and more than excellent terms to this day 10 years later, and once more to the same camp when I was 15, still the same effect; when I escaped of my home to go to a 4 day camping trip with my friends of said summer camp, and then once more on the senior student trip of my school when I was 18, on two occasions where I got job opportunities in form of contracts once a month long contract on an animal shelter when I was 21 and once more a week on an hotel a couple months ago, also, when my mother got covid when I was 23 and she has to lock herself up on her bedroom and my sister and I had to take care of them.
Suffice to say I did not miss my family on any of those occasions and that also that I felt more alive on those rare moments than in every other moment of my life.
What are your plans?
I want to start over, or start at the very least, away from home
I know exactly where I will go, as I have a friend that will help me get a cheap deal at an apartment rent on the other side of the country. From there I will look for an entry level job or anything that will help me survive. Depending on my income at the time, I will be looking for therapy, start a business or a safe income investment, get education, and from there just looking forward to enjoy my life as much as I can with the people I love
that’s all I need, a shot at life, that’s all that I’m asking, otherwise, ¿why be alive on the first place?
All I ask from this life is to be with my friends and my SO, nothing else really matter to me as nothing will make me happier than that
Please I beg you, don’t let me become the 30 y/o that lives on the expenses of their parents, I will not take that as a possibility, it will be too much to me to handle, be assured that that will not happen regardless but still, I would like a shot at actually living life
I just need a chance, I will give me a chance when I jump to the void this week, with nothing more than a bus ticket to a self-promised wonderland, your economic support will greatly increase my odds of survival
If you could let you something, in case I don’t make it, if somebody can take anything from this experience, if you are having a similar experience as mine (even though I whole heartedly expect you are not) I can leave behind me 3 statements
1 without happiness life is worthless, find that which makes you happy and never let it go even in the afterlife, if there is an afterlife, don’t let it go regardless of the situation. As far as my understanding goes, happiness is the only get out of hell free card on the universe, I believe the only reason on why to exist on the first place is to feel good, so in the case you find yourself not being happy you have all the right to change that
2 never ever stay close to people or situations that make you feel unworthy of anything you want to be, do or have. Nothing they provide for you is worth your decision power yourself, not having this will eat you alive slowly, what you understand as you is slowly eroded onto something else that you will inevitably hate. It’s never worth it to endure it, not matter how much they try to make you believe you have to. your desires are sacred, and desire for dignity of life is the most sacred of them all
3 what you do with your life is only your business, nobody, under any circumstances, should tell nobody how to live their lives or what to do with it, from the receiving end its just torture.
I will be eternally grateful for every penny you send my way
-I will go on a minimum contact mode with all my family of my hometown, this is a desperate escape mission. If everything goes alright, I would never have to put a foot on my house ever again
-I will take a maximum of $6000 on total, once I have reached that milestone I will erase the money links immediately, there is people that need that money more than I do, so I will just take what I need to be secured and stable. on the part of the world where I’m living $6000 will be enough to pay what’s left of my debt and start a project, that will give me more than enough to thrive. I will still be updating regularly for u people to see my progress if that becomes a thing
-I will be updating every other day whenever I can and when relevant stuff has happened, just so you could confirm your money is not going onto a dead person
IF THIS POST IS NOT UPDATED FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT DO NOT DONATE, AS IT MEANS IM DEAD, IN JAIL, OR WORSE, SO IN THAT CASE GIVE THAT MONEY TO SOMEBODY THAT CAN USE IT
Usdt (trx network): TA9dUXFvy4RuSJ1V2ksnrjaKmkDKeTquoj
Busd (bnb network): bnb14nlxfc0raphfp7wmzrkkx6ujfngtlnqtvrxcrr
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Sob7spiAIlUFACC6BLavcjUtn7pwHe5eT6Er56BWedM/edit?usp=sharing (in case of forgetfulness or inability edit the updates will be also on this document)
-June the 9nth of 2022
I have just created a document for random internet people to help me get my life back, even if I go alone, even if I die trying to follow my dreams. I will not want it in any other way. The worst that could happen is being pulled back to my parents’ home, which will just be a new opportunity to get away, I have promised myself that if by end of the year I had not make it, I will unalive myself on my birthday which has a convenient day, at least I will know I will cause immeasurable amounts of pain to my family. !at the very least I will have revenge! But at worst all my friends will also suffer, I hope they understand, they will be, sadly, collateral damage. More sadly, a lot of them will not even know I left this world.
Still don’t know how I will do it, still don’t know if I could muster the courage to do it … that must be a good sign, as I think, even if I’m too sad to find it, there is still some hope for happiness that my soul is clinging to, so let’s focus on that hope I cannot see.
The only thing left to do is buy the bus ticket, talk to my friend, pack a very light bag and pray for the best