First, let me say, I’m making strides to improve my situation and I have a job starting next week. Unfortunately, I’ve dug a huge hole I cannot escape.
A life-long battle with depression and Binge Eating Disorder came to a head seven months ago. I’m honestly not sure what happened. I had been managing things pretty well. By that I mean, hiding my disorder and depression from all those that love me and pretending everything was fine. Outwardly I was thriving.
Inside I was dying. I would put on a happy face when my kids called me. Lying to them, telling stories about the walks I had been on, the stores I had visited. In reality, I hadn’t left my house in months. I lived off my savings for seven months, while I laid in bed all day and ate.
While lying in bed, I would contemplate the purpose of my life, and whether it would matter if I wasn’t alive. knowing it would devastate my children if I took my life, is what made me realize I needed help.
I’ve since been honest with some safe people in life about my emotional, mental, and financial state. I went to the doctor and am now on anti-depressants and medicine for Binge Eating Disorder. I have a wonderful counselor who is allowing me to defer payment until I have an income again. She is helping me explore my relationship with food, and how, and why I use it the way I do.
I start a job working with children who are on the spectrum next week, I’m looking forward to that, I truly believe helping others is the best way to help yourself.
I now have the will and drive to get myself into a better place, but it takes time and money that I don’t have. My counselor has recommended a dietician for me, but that isn’t a possibility at this time. My financial state is such that I’m facing disconnection on all my utilities and can’t pay my rent. I’m trying to do the work to improve myself and get better, but the stress of my financial situation is making it much harder.
It’s difficult to explain to your landlord, you can’t pay rent because you’ve been too depressed to leave the house. I’m about 2000 in the hole at this point.
If you’ve read this whole thing, thank you so much! This has been very humbling and difficult to write. Thank you for any help and positive thoughts that you can spare.