I feel very vulnerable and alone in the world. As I get older I feel very frightened and despairing about the future. I have never been married and do not have any children. I grew up in an unstable household. My father was always unemployed and my mother was sick with a genetic form of emphysema. My father moved us far away from extended family so I never had an opportunity to know grandparents/aunts/uncles or cousins and form bonds with them.
I first remember not wanting to live anymore at the age of 9…listening to my father scream daily about how hopeless life was was extremely distressing. At fourteen I remember the police coming to the house—my father tried to push my brother down a flight of stairs (he being in his early twenties had come home after a night out drinking with friends and made too much noise opening the door which woke my father and set him off)—my mother tried to restrain my father and ended up having a panic attack and couldn’t breathe. When the police arrived I remember screaming that I didn’t want to live this way anymore. Somehow I continued. At seventeen I remember coming home to discover rather abruptly that my father had decided that he and my mother were going to move to another city—I was not invited. Thankfully, I was able to live with a friend and her father until I finished high school. Although my mother was lucky enough to eventually have a successful lung transplant at age 55 she suffered a reaction to one of her medications and spent the last 6 weeks of her life slowly dying in intensive care. When I visited her we couldn’t even speak because of the tubes going down her throat. After my mother died I was very alone. My brother went on to have his own family and I wasn’t interested in continuing a relationship with my father for obvious reasons. I’ve spent many Christmases and other holidays alone. I felt (and still feel) like an orphan floating around in the world—no one seems to truly notice or care for me. I do have friends but they have their own worries—I understand (and accept) that their own family is their priority. I have struggled with thoughts of suicide my whole life but have always tried to convince myself that things could get better. At this point I’m starting to feel that things might not get better and that I should prepare for the worst. I live frugally—I buy clothing at 2nd hand stores, I don’t smoke or drink, I eat on a budget and use free resources like the library (thankfully we have this infrastructure in Canada!). I work as much as I can, but even with my efforts I’ve still accumulated debt over my lifetime and am faced with the fear that I will never have a safe place to call my own. I don’t expect to own a house, condo, or mobile home—my plan is to buy a travel van that I can park on the street—a safe place that I can lock at night and sleep in. I’ve looked at quite a few older travel vans with high mileage for under $5000, but I’m concerned that they will breakdown. The van I want to buy is a 1990 with under 200,000 kilometres for $12,000 Cdn; the sellers seem very honest and assure me that it has been checked—I know there are no guarantees in life but it seems like a good deal. When I calculate how much money I will pay in rent over the rest of my life I can see that it’s unlikely that I will be able to pay my debt off—if I could live in a travel van for even a few years I could use the money I would have spent on rent to pay towards debts and maybe even save money for the future. If anyone is willing to help me out in purchasing this travel van I would really appreciate it and be forever grateful. With the added security of a safe place of my own I know that I could shift my focus and energies from worrying about my vulnerable future to helping others who are in need. Since my mother was taken from life so young I never had the opportunity to care for her as she grew older— I help elderly people whenever I can and would like to devote more time to providing care and compassion to those who could very well have been my own mother.
Thank-you so much for reading this.