I’m so incredibly overwhelmed with everything right now, it makes it difficult to even type this.
All my efforts to get a decent job, after losing my last one have failed.
I finally have a job lined up, but it doesn’t start until three weeks from now.
I’ve been delivering food to make some cash, but its just not enough.
Three months ago my wife did something she will forever regret. I don’t want to be graphic, or say exactly what it was…because you don’t need to know to understand the aftermath.
She had been depressed.
Extremely depressed,
more than ever.
We had an argument that night,
because I was berating her about not keeping up with our house while I’m away driving truck.
I know it was wrong to judge her…but I didn’t know I’d have to rush her to the emergency room that night. It was such a petty argument in my eyes, when we were having it…but, I didn’t know it would lead to her being hospitalized for weeks…
We were only just catching up from my business failing, during Covid. We were nearly there. Nearly ALL of our bills were paid and the sacrifice, was being away from home, my beautiful wife…and my three young children, for months at a time.
We didn’t catch up, though…for the moment I was home…we fought, and that fighting led to her doing something awfully sad.
I spent the next three weeks trying to find childcare, but couldn’t afford it. I also felt terrible about the idea of leaving my young kids after what had just happened. I told my boss everything, but he was losing his patience with me.
He couldn’t afford to have his truck and trailer sitting at my home idle as a result of my own personal household issues.
I never found someone to watch the kids, so I could work.
Feeling helpless, I was finally allowed to see my wife, three weeks had passed…it was relieving to see her, but I was full of anxiety and felt like I was meeting someone for the first time. She had been heavily medicated and seemed different…and it was the next day that I’d have to go return to my job over the road.
How incredibly nerve wracking it was, to be 1,000’s of miles away from the woman I love and my three children while still not knowing if she was, “okay”.
Clearly in the past she seemed, “okay” but…
that is now always going to be a constant fear of mine,
that she might not be…
not only that,
but she had developed an awful case of avoidant relationship issues toward others, leading me to constantly worry…
some days we didn’t text or talk on the phone and with my anxiety I always feared the worst.
My boss and owner of the company I was working for was typically kind, but he was a short fuse that was easily lit…
One morning I woke up in my sleeper berth, anxious and unable to get ahold of my wife.
I had hardly slept because I was so incredibly concerned about the state of my family…
we were so behind on mortgage and bills at this point, ones which I had been sacrificing to pay and catch up for almost a year now.
I soon looked at the clock and realized that I was running late for my pick up…
the night before I had accidentally fell asleep without my alarm set.
(This was a few weeks ago)
I quickly got up and knew I had to leave the truck stop as soon as I possibly could to even come close to on time for my next pick up…
I did a look around the truck and then pulled out of my spot…
all of the sudden everyone was yelling at me and blowing their air horns…
I pulled my air brakes and went to go see what was going on, why everyone was honking and trying to get my attention. I walked to the passenger side of my trailer…
and Then I saw it…
A nicely painted, brand new semi next to me wasn’t so beautiful anymore.
The end of my trailer had done a number on this guys truck.
I couldn’t even fathom how it could have happened,
I’ve never seen such a crazy instance like this…
but it was broad daylight and despite my spotless driving record and many years of experience in my field…
my boss was fed up with me.
I was only three hours from my home when the accident I had caused happened. During the whole ordeal…in the midst of being cursed and yelled at…and being told that all of this damage would come out of my pocket. I could only think that I had to go see what’s going on at my house, that I needed to know that everything was okay back home…So I asked to go home …
The next two days were awful for me, mentally and physically. I was dispatched on several small loads that were painfully exhausting and brought me inches away from my home. I still didn’t have contact with my wife.
My boss took my last two paychecks to pay for the deductible on his insurance and I ‘voluntarily’ quit, detailed his truck and brought it to his yard, which was several hours away…at this point I did not know he would be taking the last bit of money I needed to survive off while I searched for a new job.
My wife was fine physically, when I got home. The kids had broken her phone and she had no logical way (she definitely thinks different then me…I would have borrowed the neighbors phone or something) to get ahold of me, as we had no internet or anything like that. I didn’t want to fight about it but I did have a lot to unload unto her, which is difficult because of her severe anxiety and depression. I still haven’t explained all of this to her, only that I had lost my job and needed her to follow me to Chicago after the truck was cleaned out.
After all of that, she helped me find and apply for jobs that were 9-5 and fit my skillset but allowed me to be home every day…because I mentally couldn’t take being away from my three, six and seven year old any longer as well as her, I’d been missing out on everything in their life…and they’d been missing a husband and father. I joined the carpentry union, then couldn’t solicit work…the gas company shut us off. I joined the iron union, was promised a job but then couldn’t solicit work because someone else took the job, who had seniority over me.
Today I spoke with a trucking company who is promising me a local position with an hour commute. I agreed and then found out that the on boarding process takes three weeks. I still committed to it because it is a GOOD job…its the type of job I could fill all of my families needs with. BUT…I don’t even have enough fuel in my car at this point to get to the gas station. Let alone can I wait five weeks to receive a first paycheck, (three weeks to start, bi weekly pay).
The owner of my mortgage called me, soon after I landed this job. It’s seemingly an unfixable problem, to me at least…I’ve been trying so hard…We tried so hard…to get this home, its not a nice home…its a fixer upper, but our credit was shot early on in life…with both of us coming from extremely poor families…me being uneducated and a high school drop out. The list goes on…but beside all that, apart from all our flaws…we secured this home, we were ‘okay’. We have a backyard, its only a three bed…roach infested…1950’s asbestos filled home with a foundation thats cracked and getting worse…but…it’s our home…We did bamboo floors in the kitchen dining room by ourselves for around $200 of last years tax return money…then our well pump went out. We fixed the pump and our hot water heater exploded (for real) and flooded the basement (its been 6 months without hot water and we don’t qualify for a lot of government programs because we our on a land contract…its getting cold out…). Blah blah blah though, I think you get the picture…
Anything helps…
Our mortgage total amount due is $3,600 to catch up ($1,040/m plus fees).
A hot water heater would be around $200-600 depending on whether we install it or have someone help.
The electric will be shut off on the 1st of October.
That’s around $400 to totally catch up.
The gas bill is insane…do to the house we bought having a ‘commercial building’ (its really just an abandoned falling apart scary place) which had gas turned on to it (first time home buyers, knew nothing about this) and they started charging us monthly $60 fees for not paying the bill (not for use of gas…but for being connected, which we shut off after finally being informed a year later…)
So…because of alll that…to get completely caught up with gas is around $800.
That would get us by I think…we obviously need so much more…kids clothes…etc…but we can live with the above help…
otherwise its eviction…not to be dramatic…but…if that happens…I just don’t know what could possibly get worse for us. We’ve had, quite sadly…miserable life’s…this year my wife’s father died at the age of 48. We are both about to turn 30…we have no one to turn to…we’ve been trying so hard…My wife nearly had her masters in Microbiology but had to quit because of mental dilemmas while also trying to juggle work and raising three kids…(which I know was probably foolish…for us to make three kids….but we did…so…we love them and want to give them a good life…I feel awful about how its been…half the stuff they don’t know…but they suffer regardless…and we love them so much).