TRAUMA, trigger warning!!!
So it starts with a series of unfortunate events. I just turned 20, and I provide for myself on my own in Maryland, where taxes are high and living can be almost impossible if your not spoiled to death. With me; I don’t really have that chance or opportunity so I turned here… I come from an extremely broken and negative home, I am the oldest of 8 siblings. Im the only one from my own mother; she had schizoaffective, bipolar disorder, and clinical depression by the time one I was 2. So she couldn’t care for me, and I ended up living with my dad, I’ve had two step moms along the way… I would get to visit my mom, but as time continues to go on, she continues to fade away to this day.. the first step mom used to lie constantly and tell my dad that I did things that I’ve never done, and I was too young to understand, then My dad would come home pissed as hell from whatever lies my step mom told him and “punish” me… if I told the truth I was a liar, if I lied, I was a liar. Either way I’d get beat. Not just spankings but objects were used on me constantly to the point of blood and bruises. and my first step mom would watch as I was punished with a smile on her face.
I don’t know what her problem was but it was like me being the daughter from his first babymomma made them get pleasure from treating me like shit since I had nobody to go to. The other kids were not treated the same. This was constant. She became addicted to painkillers at one point but I don’t remember when. I just remember being under extreme rules and controlling abusive environments.
My second step mom was good at putting on a fake face.. she acted perfect until the night before my dad and her got married, they both decided to bring me downstairs and punish me together over (I swear to god) doing NOTHING wrong. They both pushed me, smacked me, threw me on the ground and kicked me as if a team effort then sent me upstairs and forced me to apologize to my soon to be step mom when I was ready (for doing nothing…) so I went around trying to find her when I stopped crying to apologize for the fact that I didn’t want this to be how my relationship was going to be with them for the rest of my life. She was purposely AVOIDING me literally walking away from me so I couldn’t talk to her… this was the first time I wanted to kill myself. I was almost 14. Their actions would be justified by either selfish reasons or because of my fathers weird obsession with the “first born” in generations being “disciplined” to the maximum in order to be a “leader”..
As highschool became more serious, my parents were less serious. They didn’t care what was going on at school, what I was going through, they didn’t care that I had things I needed to pay for, like field trips and group fundraisers. I had to do everything myself, so that’s when I started working at McDonald’s once I was 15 so I could support myself and do nice things for my siblings. And after I got a job, my step mom and dads Behaviour started getting weird. We started to loose money, and a couple of my siblings decided they didn’t wanna live with us anymore, they moved back with my first step mom. All the while I was basically raped in 9th grade by a kid who was older and bigger than me to the point of me bleeding down there, and then told me not to tell anyone… but he told everyone… and told everyone a completely and utterly different story. Plus, he was more liked and popular than I was and I went to a cliquey school where people were nasty. I didn’t know he started passing rumors until popular kids and kids I didn’t even know in all different grades started looking and whispering about me at lunch, and making sexual gestures at me in the hallway… people said I was a whore even though I didn’t lose my virginity until 3 years later and people told everyone what my vagina looked like, and that I had STDs. Which I don’t. I was devastated, I started wearing baggy clothes but people wouldn’t stop harassing me. And around the same time, my dad started asking me for money, and my field trip money back because we became broke. I had to stay behind on trips my entire class grade got to go to. my step mom began acting extremely petty towards me and made favoritism with children clear, as she would also constantly talk bad about me to my other siblings, about how I was a disappointment and they were better than me.
i had nobody to talk to, absolutely no parents who would understand me, my siblings were to young to know, and I had no friends after all of the rumours… I wasn’t allowed to take medication, I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about how I was being treated, I wasn’t allowed to get help, I wasn’t allowed to even talk to my school councilor after asking several times because they didn’t want me explain their Behaviour because I was exposed to so much my parents were paranoid about the world knowing i was also never allowed to hang out with friends I DID ever have (or my bf at the time). So I would have to sneak around just to get out of the house.
My first suicide attempt followed this.
Obviously I didn’t die, I didn’t do it right. But I know I didn’t want to die, I was just very trapped. I didn’t wanna be anywhere. I bandaged myself and went to school the following day.
The whole day I was basically writing in a journal, during class all i did was write personal struggles in a journal. Then when we went to lunch I left my journal out and a teacher snooped in it because she probably though I was doodling. She found some concerning things about what I did to myself, and I was pulled out of class after lunch to talk to my school councilor.
I begged her not to call my dad but she told me “you dad loves you, of course he loves you, if he loves you maybe if he just knew how this was all affecting you, things might get better” I didn’t believe her. She called my dad. And when I came home he was sitting outside his room waiting for me. He told me to show him what I did to myself. He said “why would you do this to yourself??” He cried for maybe 3 seconds and said “you know just one slip just half a centimeter over, you could’ve died, the doctors wouldn’t be able to stitch that??” I said yes, obviously I knew what I was doing. Before that, I would even tie a noose around myself and let my body weight rest then stand back up just to scare myself back to reality. I was so close to killing myself it I really REALLY didn’t want to. I was an overachiever with so much potential, and my life was really extremely unfair. Afterwards he asked me if I needed to “go to the nuthouse” I said no… then he told me to get his lighter and cigarettes, he lit a cigarette and told me to leave the room. And we never spoke about it again…
life goes on, and as it goes on my parents stop paying off their car.. so it was taken away, then somehow my dad completely totals our bigger car months later… so I ended up buying THEM another car which was basically ALL of my savings and they told me if I bought this one they’d give me it after they get their tax returns (bs) a few weeks after that I woke him up to drive me to work. It took forever to wake him up, he was pale and cold and sweaty, he then woke up walked outside and threw up but kept telling me he was fine. and I was told if I was late one more time I’d be fired. But this time I was late because even though it was only 4 minutes away driving distance, my dad started passing out while he was driving we started swerving off the road, I grabbed the wheel and started screaming and slapping at him to wake up, then he kept telling me to “chill the fuck out I got it” and I told him he doesn’t have it and to let me drive but he wouldn’t let me… I had to explain the truth to my manager so I wasn’t fired that day. But my manager then told me that my parents were probably using heroin. I doubted it.. but the signs were clear.
This led to like the 12th CPS investigation with put the kids in a house protection program for a week, which was also during my 18th birthday while cps decided if we were going to be taken away or not. They decided the day AFTER my birthday, that all of the kids will be sent to their other parents in full custody, and my two baby brothers were put into foster care. So they couldn’t do anything for me… they suggested things, but everything suggested was having me required to have my own transportation. I ended up going back home to hell alone.
Soon after I would come home and realize things were missing from my room, like valuable things I would hide. I wasn’t allowed to have my own bank account so I would get checks into cash then stash them in places in my bedroom. That eventually went missing too. I realized I was being stolen from. And when I confronted my parents they tried to say maybe it was my step sisters but I know they wouldn’t have. I stopped confronting them because eventually they would just start telling me things like I owe them and I’m worthless and throw forks and knives at me and lay their hands on me once again. Around this time the councilor told me that because of so many missed days of school, (from never getting any sleep and taking care of my toddler and infant brothers) along with failing to stay at the same level with my school work, I would not be able to graduate. So I decided I would start switching things around because I didn’t deserve to also not graduate Highschool.
One day I started getting sick… I knew I had something up with my kidneys because of the specific pain and having a UTI right before that. DurIng this and years before, my parents would tell me that I don’t have health insurance or they don’t have my card.. I guess so I would never get help. Which mean I also could never go to a doctor. I went downstairs and told them I think I had a kidney infection. My dad basically told me “no you don’t your fine” and my step mom used to HAVE kidney infections but said “no you don’t because IIII have had them And YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE, but you would know” and basically called me dramatic.
A week later the pain became so severe I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t stop crying, I began screaming with waves of pain and throwing up all I’ve myself. I told them I needed to go to the hospital.. they said “no you don’t, here’s a coke and a Tylenol” which is not what I should’ve been taking at all. Then I started yelling at them to take me to the hospital (it was about 8 minutes away) and they told me to stfu and they’ll take me to patient first… so because I’m not a complete idiot, I told them to take me to the emergency room because without insurance there’s nothing patient first can do for me. They took me to patient first anyways and the doctor there told me I needed to go to the emergency room.
My step mom took me to the emergency room and I ended up staying for 2 days getting fluids pumped into me, doctors said I had a uti, kidney infection and a 4- centimeter mass in my kidney.
The first night, My step mom came in the room and said that they were having issues with my legal name down stairs so she needed my ID and asked for my wallet. At this point I had ivs and antibiotics hooked into me. I told her where my wallet was, and she went through it grabbed what she needed out of it and left. Then I fell asleep. The only issue was that she didn’t come back.
. My dad stayed home because he started getting sick too, when I was ready to be discharged and left the hospital, I finally had phone connection again, and noticed I started getting a ton of notifications about my bank account but my banking app was deleted off my phone too. So I immediately checked and realized that every single last penny was drained from my savings account.
My step mom took all of my money… I came home from the hospital to everything taken from me, and 2000 dollars in hospital bills. I confronted them furious with tears in my eyes, we had nothing already, they were selling our shoes, selling our decor, and stealing for their addiction. My step mom then jumped up and told me to get the fuck away from them and that I owed her the rest of my life’s savings because of “all the trouble I caused having her take me to the hospital”.. are you KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?? When I fully recovered I decided I was going to run away from home. The whole time I was moving items from my bedroom, my parents didn’t even care to notice.
The last day I decided to be there, my dad was passed out on the side of the couch, I went up to him and I kissed him on the forehead he woke up and asked what was up. I hugged him and I gave him 80 dollars and he asked what it was for. I started crying because I didn’t want to leave but I felt I really had no choice, I remembered when life was better, I remembered when me and my dad were so close and when he was all I had. And I was leaving him while he was sick. But I already knew if I stayed it would’ve gotten worse, we already had a few eviction notices. I told him I was leaving and assured him I would be okay and why. He actually ended up softening up and with pain in his voice told me that I was probably making the best decision by leaving them. He knew things were getting even worse. I told him to make my step mom bring him to a hospital since he couldn’t drive after getting his license revoked. He said he would. And then I told him I loved him and left.
….About 3 days after I left I got a voicemail from my dad saying they received the 24hr EVICTION notice. They had no way to move their things into a storage facility. I discreetly gave them money for a u haul. They weren’t able to get everything out. And they ended up going to stay at a motel. I returned to the house the next day and everything was thrown out of the house, all of our furniture, our family photos, things left from my room, my siblings beds, and their dress up clothes. It broke my heart. There were people who kept stopping in front of our house to take things off our lawn, and I would yell at them to leave it alone and to get off the property and stop taking those things because they were mine and we were evicted. I was so upset because these ignorant people had no idea what we all went through.
Most of our items were rained on and destroyed, I was able to retrieve a few more things for my parents to add to storage. And I took pictures of my little siblings and Christmas ornaments for myself for sentimental value. Then I left.
I started therapy for the first time ever. The therapist seemed like she could barely believe everything I had gone through. It was only my second appointment when it was interrupted by someone sending a message to me… not even by a direct family members, it was by some random distant cousin that said I should know what was going on. Yet for some reason my step mom didn’t have the audacity to tell me;
my dad was in the ICU with an infection that spread to his heart and wasn’t going to make it through the night. This message was told in front of my therapist where I immediately started panicking. She tried to get me to stay but of course I left, because I needed to see my dad. In case it was the last time I would ever see him. I prayed and prayed. When I showed up, I caught my step mom trying to slip him drugs and she was trying to get me to leave the room. I refused to leave. Then she basically told me nobody wanted me there and I didn’t belong there. I said “my dad is dying and your gonna tell me I don’t sldeserve to be here?? Really??? Fuck you” and she started insulting me and my dad uses some of his strength to say “stop”. Drama happened after that. I told a nurse to keep an eye on my step mom. And excused myself.
Most about a year and a half later and my dad survived. The infection ate away at his muscle and organs and he was in a coma for 3 months and going through withdrawal at the same time. He is still alive but on his birthday in exactly a month from now, he’s going to prison for everything he has done. Minimum sentence of 10 years. Even though he didn’t pass away, I’m still going to end up living a life without him. He’s not going to be there when I get married or have my first child and my heart is breaking as the time gets further. Since then, I’ve been working non stop supporting myself, for my own health insurance, but I’ve continued to have kidney problems on and off. I just really need help with paying off my hospital bills and with living comfortably.
It’s so fucking hard. But I’ve come so far.
I barely make enough money to get by, and I can’t even afford to get my siblings anything for their birthdays or holidays. I feel like they began to think I don’t care about them because we’ve been separated so long and there isn’t much I can do for them at 20 years old starting off with literally having nothing. I have the car now, but it has so many issues with it that I can’t afford to fix I don’t know how long it will last me.
I am also now a state finalist for the miss Maryland USA pageant being held in Bethesda… I need sponsorships for that of 1095 dollars too before mid October to participate, and I really don’t have anyone who supports me, and DEFINITELY NOBODY who supports me financially, I’m asking for help!! Any bit will help. I am employed with 5 jobs, and I’m a 20 year old female alone in this world. Figuring out everything on my own. And I just really need help because I will not allow myself to fail.
May god bless whoever helps me on my journey, and I greatly appreciate whatever I can get, since I’m not use to anyone’s pity or help.
May CASHAPP and VENMO:::