Hi, my name is Jamie, I’m 24 and a mother. I unexpectedly got pregnant (I was on birth control and having safe sex), and found out I couldn’t get abortion. I couldn’t afford a $500 abortion working a full time job so it turned into a $20,000 labor bill. I had absolutely no support and couldn’t do this on my own. I was not financially, emotionally, physically or knowledgeable enough to take care of a baby 24/7.
With no support or guidance, I had to make a decision. I laid in the hospital bed admiring the life I created in my arms. I felt true unconditional love holding my child and in that moment I knew. I have never been given unconditional love, and I knew that I could not give my child what he needs. I made the decision to break the generational abuse that’s passed on through my family. I’ve been neglected/deprived and abused and will not allow this child to experience any of that pain. I couldn’t give my son a dysfunctional home. I couldn’t do to him what my parents did to me.
The way the adoption happened was sporadic, we had a Notary come to the hospital and she said we couldn’t tell any of the nurses. A friend of a friend knew a couple who had been trying for years. He told me about them and I asked a lot of questions, but they were perfect. I thought about it for one more day in the hospital, no sleep, just on ibuprofen. When the nurses didn’t have him and I wasn’t being heckled about finances, I would walk around cradling him singing a song. The last day in the hospital was cold, I could feel the emptiness creeping around the corner. I signed my name and he was gone. I have cried every day since then.
I feel so conflicted; disappointed because I wish I was in a better financial state etc., grateful because I know he will be so loved and cared for, devastated because I no longer have my child. Leaving the hospital with detrimental debt I couldn’t afford a checkup after birth, therapy or rent. I don’t understand how I was left with all the bills and no baby, but I’m forever grateful to the couple raising him.
In conclusion, thank you for reading and I appreciate your time. This experience has deeply changed me and my view on everything. I was diagnosed with severe depression with depressive episodes, severe social anxiety and general anxiety before giving birth and it has only gotten worse. I spent thousands of dollars going to a cardiologist for them to tell me I probably have anxiety and need therapy. I believe this is either due to my upbringing or having a very hard fall when I was seven (possibly brain damage) or both. I would love to get brain scans but that’s definitely out of budget. I’m very fertile so I’d like to have my tubes tied, but I can’t even do that because I’m a woman and have no right over my own body.
I’m so tired of paying to breathe.