Dear people of the world,
I’m a 25yo woman from Slovakia. I’m currently forced to take one more semester at uni because due to an administrative error I wasn’t allowed to take the state exams and finish my studies. I’ve been feeling very down because of it but this issue is just the tip of the iceberg.
From 8 to 14, I was bullied by the kids in my school. They frequently called me names, lied about me to the teachers, hid my stuff, threatened to beat me up after school and so on. Luckily, I only went through actual physical aggression from them once, but my encounters with them sparked social anxiety and lack of confidence. Thanks to much kinder people later in my life, I began to overcome these issues slowly but I’m nowhere near being fully functional.
This is also because of my greatest issue. My mom is an aggressive, manipulative, paranoid person. It runs in this side of the family, her mother was the same and from what I’ve heard, her grandmother also showed this traits. I’m very scared I might become like her too.
I’ve always suffered emotional neglect at home. My dad was always away, working really long hours or working abroad. My mom did try her hardest to provide all the material necessities for me but always found a way to make me feel guilty and not worth it. Even minor missteps have been met with inadequate rage sessions during which she’s been vulgar to me, has denied everything I say, twisted my words, made excuses for herself and downright refused to listen or acknowledge my worth in any way. She always blames others for the struggles in her life, isn’t capable of taking responsibility for her mistakes or apologizing. When my father occasionally tries to defend me, she takes it very personally and insists that a good father would do the opposite – defend her and punish me. Last year, she went so far to actually physically attack me while screaming she would kill me. Dad was there and restrained her from harming me but I swear I was scared for my life.
On top of that, 6 years ago she developed some kind of paranoid disorder. She believes that They are visiting our house, stealing things from her and misplacing them. These They also manipulate with strangers on the streets and in shops to say some specific words and to give my mom strange and knowing looks, all to mess with her and to ruin her life and career. Dad installed alarm system and strengthened the security of our house but that only led to making her convinced that it’s dad and I who do all the nasty things to her.
We are both very hopeless and stuck. Dad is burnt out from overwork and only surviving because of being deep in denial (he refuses to speak about divorce or a change of job). Neither of my parents trusts psychologists. Mom gets offended and enraged at the mention of the word. Dad insists that psychologists are no use in such complicated cases. They won’t help me in this regard.
I’ve tried a lot of self-help techniques like meditation, breathing exercises, journaling, physical exercise etc but one can only get so far without the help of a professional. I need therapy. I feel desperate, depressed and traumatized. I have troubles with anxiety, I lack confidence, I’m a huge people-pleaser and I fear conflict. I internalize all my negative emotions, fearing that if I show them to others, they will stop being my friends. As a result, I developed a psycho-somatic response to stress and pain – my stomach often stops being capable of digesting food. I would never throw up or starve myself willingly, but often I have to starve because my stomach just doesn’t work properly. A lot of the time I am unable to focus properly, I’m tired, unmotivated and weak.
Can you please help me with financing my therapy? A 100 dollars would help me cover approx. three therapy sessions. Of course, I would also be very thankful for much smaller acts of kindness.