This is a story I’ve been too afraid to tell publicly. It’s very very personal, sensitive, and a lot to relive by writing it all down for someone to read.
A lot has happened the past couple years. I went through so much mentally that it affected me so much physically and now I am left struggling financially.
Some parts of this story is too personal to go into detail with and I’m afraid I won’t even be able to tell the whole story other than my side of what I personally went through, because I only know of my own experience and that’s all I was left with unfortunately. And what I know from my experience is that I had major depression and anxiety. I know that I struggled in my college classes. I know I struggled with friends. I know I lost my childhood best friends I had for years until college. I know I fell in love and lost the guy I fell in love with. And I know it all happened right after each other not giving me any mental break or the mental capacity to process it all. I know I was hurting and in pain. I know I felt like I had no one anymore. No one to trust, no one to cry to, no one to help me, no where to go. All I know is what I experienced and how it left me feeling. And it left me feeling like I had no place on this earth. I made a decision that I wanted to take my life. And I attempted to, and failed. An ambulance was called on me, I was sent to the emergency room, tests were taken on me, then I was placed in another hospital room, more procedures were done on me, then I was sent to a behavioral hospital, medicine was prescribed to me, sessions were done, therapy, counseling, then I was able to leave. After a day of being back at my college, and being placed back into the world that didn’t want me and made it clear that it didn’t, it triggered me back into the state I was in. But this time I wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t fail. I was more prepared than ever. Or at least I thought I was. Circumstances played out in a way that God wanted me to know he still needed me alive. One of my friends reached out and had the ambulance called on me again. The whole process happened all over again and even the nurses and doctors were so saddened at how the world made me feel in it and that I ended up back there after thinking things were okay.
Things did get okay eventually. I left the place I was in and away from the people that had negative affects on me. It was so hard to adjust to normal life again. I couldn’t do anything for months. I couldn’t leave my room, I could barely talk to my own family, I couldn’t make friends, I couldn’t go out, I couldn’t get a job, I was just totally completely drained. I never had time to breathe. Everything was shoved in my face one after the other from losing everything I had, to being put in hospitals, to leaving everything I had, to be back home and try to move on from everything that just happened. I didn’t even have time or the mental capacity in the moment to even process everything that just happened, let alone having to be back home to “move on and start a new chapter.” It was all too much. A lot of damage was done. A lot of scars were made. A hurting phase happened. A healing phase happened. And now I really am finally in a better place. I was able to get a job, to make friends, to reconnect with my family, to thank God for giving me another chance to be alive.
But I never realized what that whole phase of my life would cost in order for me to be here today. I never knew how much an ambulance cost and I was taken in it twice. All the tests, medicine, sessions taken on me… Both times I distinctly remember begging my friends to not call the ambulance on me because my dad lost his job and we didn’t have insurance and I couldn’t afford to be in a hospital. They told me, “Your life matters more.” But I still begged them not to. I haven’t even processed how much my life cost until now that I’m really trying to put it together, and I am in more debt than I am able to afford right now. I would never do anything like this, but I really am in a need of help. Any amount would help at all, I just want to be able to move on with my life free of this debt, since this past story of this debt will be kept being put in my face for why I have it in the first place. So here I am, and thank you so so much to anyone who is willing to help me out with this. Nobody really has to, so if you do, I really thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.