First of all, I want to say thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this. Let me start off by saying this is the first time I’ve ever done something like this- I like to count my blessings and not the struggles. A bit about me, and my diagnosis: When I was 26, didn’t realize how good I really had it. I had a great job (lots of stress and responsibilities for someone my age) and I had finally found something I was truly passionate about that helped me escape the stressors that came with my job…I started going to circus school in my spare time- I was taking classes for aerial acrobatics, trapeze, Lyra, Ariel silks etc. i absolutely loved being in the air. I was happy. Then my grandmother who lived with me my entire life had passed away….she was very “blunt” and before she had passed she had told me “out of all the grandkids- your the weirdest (lol) but you, my dear, are going to make something of yourself if you keep embracing what you love”…next to her hospital bed she had a picture of me flying through the air on a trapeze with my best friend and that picture went with her into the ground lol. Several days after she passed I experienced what I thought was a “severe panic attack” and I ended up in the hospital that night. I had been diagnosed with “panic disorder”. I then continued to have the panic attacks about 1-2 times a month following the first episode. They were awful, uncontrollable, unpredictable, and embarrassing. I would hyperventilate, my vision would go out completely and everything would get very bright. But honestly, it was nothing I couldn’t handle. I decided to move out of my moms and get an apartment closer to my circus school. And I had a vision for myself- i would live alone in an apartment with no furniture (lol not thr typical vision) and I would have my Lyra (circus ring)hanging from the ceiling and another room with just a yoga mat so I could meditate. That’s kind of what happened but I ended up with a bunch of roommates (lol) and taking in too many people/ “friends” to try to give them a calm place to live during hard times. I started going into debt. It was like financially supporting a small family. Anyways, my panic attacks became severe and the company I worked for was going into the ground and I could feel it. I put in my two weeks at work and was paid out for my 2 months of vacation I had saved up and was going to use that time to find what truly made me happy. I started my job at a spa and I focused on healing peoples aches and pains naturally with aroma therapy, reiki (energy healing), ect. I was happy but it didn’t pay the bills. Financially things got worse. I was about to lose my apartment. Then I reconnected with my first boyfriend I ever had. He had been going through a divorce and severe depression- he ended up moving in, and fixing my life. He moved us out into a better neighborhood (so it was better situation for his beautiful little girl as well) and he continues to live in an apartment with no furniture and my circus ring hanging from the ceiling. October of 2017- I found a new job- to help me fix my credit, and I would be making almost as much as my first and I would have my health benefits back. I felt like I was finally fixing every and on my way to “adulting” properly. March 22nd of 2018- I ended up going to the emergency room with a severe migraine. I thought I had “meningitis”. I demanded a cat scan of my brain even though they wanted to just me anxiety meds…..the doctor came into my room after my cat scan and said “sorry, were going to need to transfer you to another hospital you have a lesion on your brain”…..my heart dropped. I thought maybe it could be an infection? Or an error? A few days later I went for the mri. A few days after that a nurse came in and said “you have a brain tumor we need to move your rooms so there will be more doctors to help you”…..I’ll never forget being pushed into that hallway reading the sign that “oncology”……I realized it was the cancer hallway…..I thought it was a mistake….I felt fine, so what If i get migraines sometimes and have panic attacks sometimes ….I’m active- I’m healthy- I didn’t feel like I had cancer…..i was trying to have a baby…..I was scared I would never experience being a mom. I was there for a week and had a team of doctors coming into my room talking about brain surgery and chemo and radiation and “treatment”… I was then discharged. I went to a couple neurology appointments, met up with a few neurosurgeons- was told even just for a “biopsy”, the “access point” into my brain going through my temporal lobe would most like cause permanent side effects and the “panic attacks” I had been having were really non- convulsive seizures the entire time….so the seizures may increase after the surgery…and I may lose my sense of balance. I took the “wait and see” approach because BALANCE is all I do….I wouldn’t be able to continue my passion performing aerial acrobatics. They had scheduled a follow up mri for a few months down the road to see how fast the cancer was spreading. I started on a raw vegan diet and was determined to heal myself with my food. Long story short…. my follow up mri was approaching and I wasn’t feeling so great…..I then recently found out….I’m pregnant. I’m currently 13 weeks. I’ve missed a ton of work because it’s a high risk pregnancy as well as trying to keep seizures under control without medication….I have no more personal time off….so when I miss work- I don’t get paid. My medical bills from all of this have been piling up…..my normal bills are piling up….and my checks are now smaller……I can’t reach out to family….because I haven’t told them I have brain cancer….because I want to be happy about my pregnancy and I don’t want the focus to be on the cancer I want the focus to be on being happy I’m having a baby. I’ve been stuck in a never ending cycle of payday loans….and I can tell my boyfriend is struggling. We can’t make our rent this week…..and are scared to see that eviction notice on the door….it’s been a financial struggle every day to “eat for two” in a healthy way……but I won’t give up. I would be eternally greatful for any help and I’m a firm believer in always “paying it forward”. Thank you so much for your time.
Ive included my mri picture of my brain “glioma”. It is the illuminated “lemon” shaped mass.
I’m hoping to raise $2,000 for rent, medical bills, and my new baby to come- but of course anything is very much appreciated :)
taking donations at: