I am 43 y/o divorced after 17 ½ years of marriage and in a shitstorm of debt and I don’t know what to do. I filed for CH13 bankruptcy on Fri, but it seems selling the house is my only option. I know how I ended up here and I am not proud of my situation. My opinion is this could’ve all been avoided had there been accessible counseling for lower income families.
I have trauma in my past, multiple sexual abuse. I am not a victim nor do I have a victim mentality; however, the unprocessed trauma did manifest itself in many negative ways and for many years I had the victim mentality.
I was sexually abused as a very young child. I didn’t talk about it and I wasn’t questioned. The first introduction to alcohol, it immediately numbed and detached me, even for a moment, from the negative feelings and behaviors attached to trauma. Alcohol became my companion, my shoulder to cry on…I became dependent.
You can only imagine what happened with my first experience of attention from a male. With the past unspoken sexual abuse + alcohol + hormones…I went through many difficult experiences to include rape. I had a child at a young age, age of 21. That pregnancy was not easy – I was forced, taken against my will, to an abortion clinic for an abortion. I was able to pay them off and lie to him and I now have my 22 y/o daughter. My daughter saved my life. Had it not been for her, I would’ve continued down the same path a d God only knows if I would be alive now. She gave me the will amd discipline to progress. I enrolled in a university and earned my Bachelors degree in Human Resources and Management.
I married and began to talk about my traumas.
In my marriage my traumas were thrown back at me and, in knowing what I know now, that was a huge red flag. The marriage got progressively worse were I was told how to commit suicide. I knew we were not good for each other, we enabled each other and our lifestyle put my life at risk. In 2010 I flat-lined/coded blue during a surgery and I was in ICU for a week, needed a full transfusion and resulted with a hysterectomy. Until recently I was honest in saying I was in that medical predicament because of my drinking. He encouraged me to drink till the end, took me to my favorite restaurants and encouraged the alcohol flow. In the end, the decision was mine, but in fairness to myself and my healing, I was grossly being manipulated, guided, used and abused.
Not everything about my marriage was/is bad. I now have a 14 y/o daughter who is hilarious. She is pure heart and has made over 50 pairs of earings in her attempt to help me get out of debt…the pureness of a child.
During the onset of COVID, I found my worth, I began to put myself 1st and that rattled people, to include my ex. I spoke about sobriety, as I did thousands of other times, but this time…I acted on my words and began to cut down on my drinking. I put an end to the verbal abuse and demands.
An act that “broke the camels back” and my new found self worth gave me the strength to ask him to leave and told him our marriage was over.
Now I understand why a cool period is recommended. I allowed him to file for divorce because his family perception meant a lot to him. I went through a phase of “I will do right by God, give him what he wants, God will repay me tenfold” forgiveness type of mindframe and got royally screwed in the divorce. He kept everything paid for, I kept everything owed for, w/ half the income I simply let my pride get the best of me didn’t ask for help and now I feel it may be too late because God hasn’t “paid anything tenfold.”
Even after filing for bankruptcy, I don’t make the amount to cover the monthly payment and will now have to pay an additional hour to address this with the lawyer.
Moving forward to the present, I am stuck. In the marriage I put him first: I completed his online degree for him. I wrote all his Army REB’s when we was in trouble and I was able to get him out on a normal ETS rather than a chapter through my documentation. Through the education I completed for him, the resume I created, the USAJOBS account I created, I was able to obtain him Federal employment. In that employment, through my documentation and packet completion, I was able to get him medically retired…other than physically being seen by the doctors, I did the leg work. Exact same situation with his VA benefits. Here I am, stuck, stagnant unable to do any form of self progression because now I can’t afford it and I am in debt past and beyond my eyeballs. I feels used and extremely stupid, but that gets me nothing and nowhere.
I am now sober with no desire to ever drink again. I have a new found spirituality and I continue to digest those past traumas. I feel lost and don’t even know how I came across this. I am not asking for handouts. I am asking for remote employment, guidance, advice…I am desperate, but still have my dignity, moral and ethical cognition; therefore, onlyfans is not at option for me yet (I try to find humor).
I am employed in the mental health industry. I was placed in this department without the proper education or degree. That added to the alcoholism, depression, anxiety and insomnia. I still suffer from all of that, but now it’s more of a detachment and numbness…I just learned to cope. I do the job of licensed social workers and psychologist for minimal pay. My city is not known for well paying jobs. I am willing to work weekends and evenings.
My past characteristics were all associated to an adult with unresolved traumas. I am asking for another chance, God knows I’ve learned my lessons. Selling this house was my last option as displacing my daughters was my last resort, but new beginnings are welcome. I am no longer a people pleaser. I am aware and free of my past.
With full sincerity,