Life is not easy nor fair. I learned that early in my life. One of the first things my daddy tells me and my big brother after he had been missing for 6 years since our mother was killed (unsolved). Since then He taught us raised us with the attitude of; Do what works for YOU. As a child and teen I knew I have no control over what the adults say and do. My feelings are not valid. Being the girl of the family I must keep your dad and brother up never turn my back on them that’s all you have. All when things get really bad my favorite is. You’re smart you will figure it out. I say this after years of being accused of or punished for something becuse I must be just like my brother and dad because I’m his child. I’m just a girl so I’m sneakier. I have lived in survivor mode all my life even while raising my 4 children. Single mother without family support even before becoming a mother. Home city alone before 16. But this time around is harder. I’ve noticed by being accountable for my own actions that my number one thing is being the emotional and financial doormat for my father. As a child I can’t take blame. But since adulthood I must own it. I just learned that within the last 7 years but these last 3 or 4 have changed me and I am afraid. I am going to be homeless by choice is the way I have been told to look at my situation.
3 years ago after I left a very bad relationship that I had been trapped in even longer due to covid 19 lockdown. As soon as the world opened just a little I moved to Louisiana for a new beginning for myself and my 2 teenages in the last few years of school . Long story short ; with in 48 hours of being there my dad call in tears. My step mother (the woman he dated for years not married) is extremely ill with brain cancer while showing signs of dementia also his cancer has returned and he cant handle it. I offered prayers and adviced that once I can get my kids and I together I send money and or help in any way I can. Within 2 months LA had at least 3 storms were we had to evacuate and travel back to Houston; in which every time I came I would go check in on my parents. being that the visits were short I didn’t see the big picture. The people I lived with was offended by my not wanting to evacuate with them at their others friends home during this storm . Not counting my children’s extreme allergies. and it was a total of 9 people in a 3 bedroom with pets 3 dogs 2 snakes a cat and 3 chickens will be inside the home during the storm. So My kids and I split with family during this time . I mean we were in our home town and the stay was temporary so my kids just stayed at a friends home. I actually slept either in a chair in my parents room or the back seat of my truck due to my parents home was a 3 bedroom and had about 10 people inside none who were sober and working. When the offense was brought to me It was said if we have someone to shelter us during the storm we should have a place to live and upon returning to LA I found all of our belongings put outside under a carport. When I returned to Houston I found a job doing Home health care trying to get my parents signed on. My father moved out and back in with his legal wife and was just gone without explanation . I learned he was gone and had been gone from the neighbor . Horribly while working an overnight shift so my son could sleep in to chair some nights. I’m walking up the walkway. My truck is not running so I was on the bus. I was told my mom was walking down the street nude looking for my dad whom they seen drive off just after I walked to the bus stop to go to work, and my teenagers had been trying to get her back inside and received help from our next door neighbor. So I quit my job because I couldn’t get any help from my dad (claiming cancer) but found out it was a lie he was in remission for going on 4 years at this time. Her kids wouldn’t help; 2 are drug addicts and alcoholics and her elder son was upset with my dad and would never answer my calls or reply to text or social media messages for a total of almost 2 years we live at on prayer and donations from people in the neighborhood because I couldn’t leave the house due to mom would wonder and no one would help from the inside the family. One of my 16 year old nephews was shot in the front yard standing in the middle of my 2 children on my birthday. Before the end of the 2nd year her eldest son and my dad showed up with just a few words for me. “Get my mommy ready I’m taking her.” and My dad ” It’s cool Chick I’ll explain later. So without explanation she was just gone. Everyone had gone. Just me and my kids. Within a few days I obtained employment with Timewise Inc. My dad transferred the apartment still in his name ( No income to report to get one in my name.) and it was mine if my kids and I cleaned out the other one. So me and my four kids did just that. When we moved into the apartment we were basically behind on bills from day one. My two kids would not step outside after dark . So after school jobs were not an option.I was living out of an overdraft checking account honestly. So even 2 years later I still seem to not be able to stay caught up . With everything I’ve explained I have been dealing with 4 golf ball size fibroids on my uterus, as well as major depression and extreme anxiety, also migraine headaches and PTSD. My 3rd daughter graduated and was planning to go to college. I used income tax money to visit these schools or shall I say send her and her older sister or her dads mother to do since I couldn’t afford to miss work. Then she chose not to go because we couldn’t raise additional funds for her to attend the school of her choice which was AMDA in NY .That’s not the issue.
This year 2023 in March I took my income tax and caught up on all the bills put away enough to cover the bills for 2 months in my account to cover my bills. I began doing housekeeping for myself via a website and within 2 months I had 15 regular clients which cover half of my monthly income By May it was showing promise . My step mother passed away and Everyone that left my kids and I in the bad position seem to need a shoulder a place to stay and or money to buy something to wear. I turned down funding yet I was the shoulder . I don’t have it. My dad took it hard always calling for comfort anytime of day or night. I responded. I didn’t express my sadness to the world but inside it crippled me I missed appointments or didn’t do my best work. Yet I bounced back I don’t have time to grieve. I made good with my customers and got a few referrals. My son graduated this year and we planned to send him to Huston-Tillotson in Austin to focus on communications.With most of his funding covered we had a part time job set up there to cover the rest. Then in July my eldest nephew was killed (unsolved) the same day my 4 children and 1 were at the beach celebrating my two kids graduation class both 22 and 23. My children took it so hard. My son was really close to him. It was hard for my brother to express or explain any help he may need to bury his son only my dad was “calling to relay information” He tell me my brother being on a fixed income need to come up with $400 toward bury his child my dad whom is also in a fixed income can’t do much because he and his wife have additional medical bills so see what I can do.I explain my income is fixed and im trying to gather money for my son to get to Austin for the fall semester. But I’ll try to help Within that time I worked 4 houses a day and did odd work like babysitting or cooking to raise money. I found out 2 days before the service my brother only need someone to provide food. My dad had got the church that did my mother service to do my nephews service and I had already sent $243. to my dad towards the $400 goal. When asking my father about it he say he paid it to the pastor. ( The pastor said he did it for free.) Also my dads marriage had failed and he was leaving her due to his morning for the loss of my step mother and he had been distant from her since a few weeks before she passed and he can’t deal with the drama his grandson gone. He is telling me all of these family but personal things; how he feels like giving up going back to his old ways ( all I know is drugs and alcohol) how needs his apartment that we live currently live after my son goes to college it will be more comfortable but he needs his home. I expressed how I didn’t want to live with him after sending my son off to college . He became angry .I told him give me time to get Nick off to school and he can have his place. I begged for at least that much time. He agreed on Friday before the service my car stopped running. With no other help and desperate not to miss the service I called my ex the one I was trapped with during covid 19 I left years ago he had recently worked on my car. The only reason we converse. Also he was always calling me or the kids I knew he would help. I was near his mechanic and got my car repaired on credit I would just pay him back. He took us me and my children and my brother (the father) to the service the following day . He say he tried to pick up my dad earlier but he didn’t answer his door nor phone. After the service as I mourned finally my dad calls . He ask what day will he be able to bring his things the 11th of August or the 31st. I was lost. I asked if I could call him later I couldn’t think about this at that time. It was 2 hours after the service. He did not show up . So after expressing I have no money to move right now I have nowhere to go, nowhere to store my things . He said “do what I have to do”. Then continue to call throughout the weeks on will I rent him a moving truck etc. I have thrown away the things I have built with my own hands, donations and I just bought myself a bed for the 1st time in 6 years just 3 months ago. Everything is set next to the dumpster just feet away from my apartment .I have cried everyday since July 28th. On August 25 at 9:23 pm my father called me. I only answered because I had been avoiding his calls. He says. He is moving out of town to live with my younger brother and he needs help loading his furniture into his moving truck on the following Friday which is the 1st of September. He has called my children but no one answers. So After expressing my feelings and the mess my life has been put into; angrily yet with respect and pain in my voice Not just uprooting our lives I found out my son had returned scholarship money and had been applying for high paying warehouse work He changed his mind about even joining the army; He had been privately meeting with recruiters. [He has to do what he feels, in order to keep his mother from being homeless or having to go back to an abusive man .] I can’t convince him otherwise. The apartment complex had come and expressed that they know he doesn’t live here he called a few times about a bigger place then changing to name from him to my name and because he isn’t answering their calls we can stay until the lease is up September 30 2023 as long as we pay the rent. He responded with ” I’m truly sorry I wish everyone the best.” Then disconnected the call.
My dad is not the main reason for my life struggle. But a major factor. I have been accountable for my own sins since the age of ten. I own that. I am trying to live and not survive. At the age of 17 I had to drop out of school because my dad chose women and alcohol over me. I was an honor roll student and at the time living with someone else because he lost his job for drinking on the job. I got my G.E.D. once found out 2 years later I was pregnant with my first child. After doing my best at raising my 4 children with 3 of the 4 graduating from school and I struggled with a mental illness and I stayed sober because I couldn’t fail , they needed me. I’m proud of myself and I need to take care of myself before it’s too late. This was the year I start working on Me. I started eating better and quit smoking cigarettes on Christmas 22. and working for myself doing something which wasn’t my original career choice but will work after years of delay. I enjoy housekeeping it’s relaxing and I am great at it. I started therapy and I know it’s going to be hard in the beginning but I don’t want to get discouraged. I will be sleeping in my car and offer overnight babysitting jobs. But I want my son to go to college and become better that the mess we came from . I want all my children to keep looking forward and not get pulled down by my lack of planning as a young adult. I need them to flourish . I don’t know what make a person go to drugs and alcohol. That’s not even in my head as my outcome. But it’s been one of my life long questions. I know I have to speak up for help but with my toxic family and really no one but the wrong ones to help me. In this chapter of my life I’m trying to extend my voice and give myself a better chance. I can’t make it worse right ? I have been applying for overnight jobs so I can keep my clients and I am getting call backs but for day time hours. Meaning its slow and I may have to give up my clients because the weather and my car may not survive 24 hour use just last week 2 tired burst and the AC went out. So here I am . With help I can get a place to live and send my son off to college maybe convince his sister too. I can get a better car and so I can get to more clients and even go back to school and really make this a business . I have people wanting to work for me but I can’t afford to split any money so my business is stagnant. I want to grow. I need to make generational changes for my family lineage. I want to be mentally fit to enjoy my grandson again he is only 20 months but since all of this drama I haven’t been able to enjoy him nor my own children I seem to have extreme anxiety attacks . They are and have been my joy since the day I became their mom. I don’t want to be like this in the end. Homeless or with a man that is obsessed with me can’t be my my only two choices. Yet therapy at this time hasn’t been able to answer how people become dependent on drugs and alcohol? Will this force into the street be my outcome. Nope I will keep pushing and never give up. I just need a leg up a helping hand that don’t require me to give up my peace in order to accept it. I have things in motion for the first time in all my years. My ideas have become action and I have taken steps toward my health before I lose the ability to do so. So at this point I’m back to what my dad told me . Do what works for me. So I am hanging from the side of this hole and asking for help to fill it before it becomes my grave.