If you ever wondered if it feels weird to ask other people for money, having faith in the kindness of others, it is.. it’s scary too.
What brings a 22 year old here, looking for financial aid from strangers?
It’s complicated, it sure is, I’ll try to keep it short.
It all began on my last year of high school, here, we have a different system (I’m from Jordan), passing the final year is extremely hard and very stressful.
I’ve always had good grades up until I got to this stage, its called “Tawjihi” I failed, not because it was extremely hard, which it was but, because it was the beginning of my mental illness.
Did a year of tough exams break you, you may ask?
No. It began through my childhood of course.. It’s just my breaking point, the leap over the edge..
I couldn’t really afford to seek medical help, but I was suicidal.. I asked for help and thankfully I did get some, and I’m not going to tell you about the battle of knowing you’re crazy, admitting it and going to a psychiatrist after you promised yourself as a kid never to lose your mind, because your brother is psychotic and your sister is bipolar, that promise was broken.
The doctor died, the day after I saw him, I don’t know why I’ve mentioned that, but it destroyed me.
Anyway, I didn’t give up yet, I found a company that took me as an intern, I’ve always been good with technology.. They paid for my exams.. Etc now I have around 13 certificates by Microsoft and some for Linux systems. None of those could get me a job tho, they all want a college degree which I don’t have, can’t afford to have and it’s stressful as hell too.. Going back to that place..
Let me fast forward into last year, when I lost my job, I had a car leased and I was barley affording it, but I wanted to feel like I’m doing something with my life, I sold it when I lost my job, lost a lot of money and I sold it actually.. because I didn’t want anyone else to pay for it or be bothered to go through the cycle of selling.. because I couldn’t cope.. I committed suicide actually.
I don’t know how, nor doctors knew how I survived that day, I was out for 3 days in my room with my family and they never noticed 😅.
You’d find this silly but, the only reason I found hope after going out of the hospital was to buy another car. Which I did (I found another job through a connection), I lost that job as well, I was basically threatened.. And I had to leave.
Now I’m jobless again, it’s been over a year, my depression is obviously out the roof, I didn’t harm myself, I’m trying my best not to.
I know I’ll break again once I resell my car, because I have to, in my last job, I kept saving some money in case something like this happens, a safety net.
This January, it’ll be the last payment I can afford, I wouldn’t be able to afford my medications, I can’t go to the psychiatrist or do anything..I don’t leave the house for anything but interviews at this point, it’s making me worse, but I can’t afford to do anything.. and I’m scared January is close…
I didn’t sell earlier because it is/was literally the only thing that kept me pushing through.. It’s silly.. But it’s true…
I’ve interviewed for so many.. They’ll require a college degree, I can’t afford that.. I can’t. Everything is expensive.. My car, in US is worth 5-6k, here, because of taxes, it’s around 25k, I’m not joking..
The only good thing is I have an apartment of my own, dad left it to me.
Also, I’m actually almost certain this is going to be for nothing, I haven’t told 1% of my story, and I don’t think I have faith in anything at this point.. But I kind of promised someone.. I’ll try every possible thing, and this is the last thing in my list.
Thank you for reading this, I don’t expect anything from you, I’m sure some people have it much harder than i do, and there are some people who deserve to live?
Here is my PayPal anyway :