I’m 35+ years old and I live in Sweden.
I’m alive but not really living. It’s like I’m trapped in a bubble of anxiety and sadness.
My life just didn’t turn out how I wanted it. My mother gave birth to me at 18 and when I was growing up she kept telling me what a huge mistake I was and that she wish I’ve never been born. Everything I did or said was wrong in her eyes. She picked me apart until there was nothing left. She even said she hated me a couple of times. Being hated by the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally does something to a person. It really screwed me up.
I have a great dad, but he was always working and had no idea about the mental and sometimes physical abuse I was dealing with at home with my mom.
Being through that left me empty and I tried to fill that void.
I tried to fill it with food, I tried to fill it with things.
When I got older I just kept buying and buying stuff, to feel better. I kept buying even when there wasn’t any money left. I took loans. I gave money and things to loved ones. I donated money that wasn’t really mine. I just wanted to feel better. It’s like a was a junkie, but for stuff not drugs.
Later on I started working on myself, and started to feel some kind of self love and self worth. I “got sober”.
Almost three years ago I met the love of my life. I never thought that would happen. He makes me so happy and is the best person I know.
And finally, after all my adult life, have a good job and an income.
Even though I’m “sober” now the mistakes I’ve made in my past aren’t gone. I’m in debt from it. It’s a little over 600000 SEK(60000Euros). So even though I get paid, I loose money every month because of the debt and loans.
I have been taking new loans and putting things on credit to cover the old ones. I’ve had to buy food on credit. It has just been a downward spiral.
I’m looking over my bills for next month and I’m panicking. There’s no way for me to pay it all.
I just don’t know what to do.
I get no more loans and credit. I’m all maxed out. It’s like my life is in Game Over.
I wish I could turn back time and never put myself in that mess. I honestly hate and despise myself so much for that. Why did I ruin my life, when it had just begun?
There are times when I think that my mother was right all along. That I never should have been born. I really made a total mess of my life.
If I could do it over again I would never have done that to myself. I wish I had a time machine.
My biggest dream is having a kid. I’ve always known I would be at great mother. My whole body and soul aches for a child. When I see babies I cry, because I know I can’t be a mother because of my situation.
I just really really want to have a family of my own and me and my boyfriend are talking about beginning to try next year.
However my boyfriend doesn’t know about my debt. I’m just putting on a brave face and hoping everything will magically sort itself out.
He himself is very low income, so he can’t help us either.
I feel so stupid. I know that he will leave me when he finds out about this. That scares me more than everything, because he is the only person who’s ever really loved me and made me feel safe.
I’m also scared because I know that I won’t be able to pay everything off for many many years (if ever) and by then it will be too late to have a baby.
I only have one life, and it will never be what I want. I ruined the only life I was given.
Last night I had a dream. I dreamt my debt was magically gone.
When I woke up there was like a second when I didn’t know it was a dream, and that second was the happiest and most free I’ve felt for…well ever.
Then the reality dawned on me and the heavy rock of anxiety I’m carrying around fell into the pit of my stomach again.
I dream of a life where my debt is gone and I don’t have to feel bad and be scared every day of my life. I dream of being able to enjoy my life with my boyfriend. I dream of starting a family with him. We’ll never be rich, but I want us to get by. I want to feel free.
I don’t want to die, I don’t want to take my own life but sometimes those thoughts are in my head.
Everything feels so hopeless. I’m going to be alone, loveless and poor.
I wish I was worth a second chance, even though I put myself in this mess.
Am I?