Truth be told everyone has a story of some sort and I am sure that there is someone who is going through something worst than me. However I know for a fact I spent more than enough of me always trying to keep my head above water because I see someone else doggy pedaling if that makes any since. My parents weren’t the richest but I will never identify us as being poor. I’ve always been told appreciate what you have in life and work for what you want more of. The reason why I say that we weren’t poor is because my family was creative. We made ways in life by being creative. Leading up to me creating the name Creatively Broke. In so many ways does that name become many different aspects of life for me. There were times my mom and dad couldn’t afford to get me and my siblings the best name brands but my mom would hit up the Good wills, salvation army’s, thrift shops, yard sales and flea markets and buy us things and usually come home and customize it til the point that no one cared that it wasn’t Nike or Jordan. It was just dope! To this day I still shop at those same places for myself. The Good Will is one of my favorites. The name also hits home because we were broken in so many other ways than financially and the way that we painted over it you wouldn’t have noticed anything was wrong and I still do that to this day. We had government assistance growing up and I didn’t even know it because my mom really hooked up food like we ate with the rich people. Little did we know that she would coupon and stretch the food stamps to do it. Or save packets of condiments from our few times of eating fast foods and use them instead of using the stamps to buy them. She taught us all these things and I think me being the youngest I definitely took more of it because not only did I have her teaching me but I also had my dad and all my older siblings showing me things they were able to pick up as they grew up so I not only had the best of both worlds I had the best of the universe. Throughout life I was always very creative. I love art. Any art. I wrote poems and songs, i painted, I danced, I acted, couldn’t carry a tune but still love to sing, I would cut up bedazzle bead up and everything my clothes .I always was doing something to make something better but I never felt like I could do enough to make myself better. I spent majority of my teenage years scared and confused because I didn’t know what my purpose in life was supposed to be. I seen how smart my friends were, how talented they were and the colleges they were getting accepted to and I was just there. I spent most of my 20s the same way, I would take a few classes here and there and work here and there and just kind of wait out my life with no clue on what to do. Even after I had my son I still didn’t know what to do with my life. I just worked came home and just did what I thought I was supposed to. My life changed drastically when I found out my mom has COPD and extremely malnourished because of psychological issues, I literally decided to give up everything to help take care of her including my apartment at the time, school and my job. My siblings said they would help when they could in between their lives as well as financially if I needed. As time when on things became so hard, my mothers age and state of mind started making her mean and she would say things very hurtful to me and my son and of course I have trained myself to know shes sick and also began working on my sons understanding but it was still hard managing the two. I felt so helpless and at times my siblings didn’t hold up their part of this so sometimes I had to pawn things I had and stuff like that to survive because the check that my mom was getting literally is only enough for the basic necessitates. I managed to pull through every time. Even started side hustling painting shirts and I taught myself how to make flyers on the computer and sell them to people. Of course me not having a lot of time between my son and my mom at the time lead me to lose out on friendships and relationships so none of my relationships last long because I had other obligations that a lot of people just couldn’t seem to understand. Then I met my daughters father and he became a big help in my life helping support my business and even with my son sometimes but things went sour he was cheating and lying to me a lot so I had to leave that and brought me right back down. I decided to continue to take time to work on myself . When I started doing that business started picking up a little bit so I was able to have a bit more freedom and go more places and enjoy a bit of life. Yet again things are shutting down for us and truth be told I am so beyond tired. I do let people know when I am hurting from time to time but then there are times I hold it in because I don’t want anyone to feel what I feel. But I feel like now if I don’t cry out for help I will never get it. RIght now we have a small home in a bad neighborhood literally two people across the street from my front yard were shot and killed last week. There have been times prior too that where bullets were heard just ouside my window and I would rush to put my son and daughter on the floor and then attempt to lay my moms fragile body down on the floor as well. After a while I’ll get them back in bed or on the couch and I keep a brave face til I am alone and break down. I feel like most of the time this is my fault because I should of been smarter about my life and made something of myself sooner and we would have a nice place and car to get around and stay out of places like this. There is mold throughout the house that we have called about and we contact the housing authority and they come on their own time. I don’t allow my kids to play outside of the house because people walk around smoking and with guns out all the time and some of the other kids are just a bit too much for me so I will typically try to find them parks around town or take them to like fast food restaurants to play. There is not a day that goes by that I do not feel guilty as a mom and as a daughter. This month on the 14th I will be turning 30, and we are only on the 4th day and I feel like giving up everything. Everything. My two beautiful babies and my mom. I feel like at times someone else could do them so much better than I can. Truth be told I am not even sure why I am writing this . I am not sure if I just need to get it out of my mind or am I asking for help. I don’t know. I am not sure.