I not sure when the sun stopped shining for me, but it’s been a while now. I am sad. I am sad all the time and the sadness is so heavy that I can’t get away from it.
My life currently isn’t to great (I mean on a worldwide scale it’s pretty damn good).
I recently quit an underpaid job, with little to no recognition, no gratitude, or any form of appreciation. I rarely see friends or family, and have little to no social life. But then I liked my job, the people I worked with, but I was just ground to the bone and ended up in a horrific mental state.
After 13 years working in hospitality, cheffing, and running pubs I’ve had to get out. And that has financially screwwed me over and I don’t know what to do, I am currently job hunting and trying to get out of my (nearly capped) £2000 overdraft.
I’m trying to figure out the triggers, because there has to be something, something that happens that drags me back under, I can go days, weeks, even close to a year feeling top of my game, feeling fine, then in a matter of minutes I’m staring at a blank wall doubting everything I’ve ever done in life.
I can honestly say other than some really minor self harming(years and years ago) I’ve never been to that end of the spectrum where I wouldn’t want to be here anymore, and don’t feel I ever will get to that point. I know on a personal level how suicide can ruin multiple lives. It’s not that I don’t want to be alive it’s more me wondering what’s my purpose, why am I here if all I feel is sadness, disappointment, and loneliness.
I do have great friends and family but my anxieties prevent me from talking to them, often through fear of being a burden perhaps, I don’t know. I’m just lost.
Lost, sad and feeling empty. I do not and will not talk about it, I can’t. I can type, that’s my only solace, I could type til kingdom come, but the moment anyone asks how I’m doing..
“Yeah not bad” or “Yeah I’m fine” is all you’ll get.
I have recently taken up exercise and have been raising money for charity doing various events, got a half marathon next year and a ton of others.
I am at the lowest of low now having to resort to asking people on the internet to help me out.
I had to give up my flat, moved back in with family, which makes me feel even more of a burden,
I’m just asking for whatever is possible to get me a little bit out of debt so I can survive the next few months and not completely go bankrupt.
My mental health has been improving and my physical wellbeing definitely, just stuck in a rut where I do not want to go back into cheffing because it did not do well for my mental health and that’s all I’ve done. So trying and applying for jobs every damn day with no luck and could really use some good will to help me survive.
Thank you and God bless,