3 years ago I was in a emotionally, financially and physically abusive relationship with a narcissist. I met him at work where he portrayed himself to be a well put together man that was interested in pursuing me. At that time I was 28 working towards my dream career of becoming a teacher in NYC. He made it seem as if he was the perfect guy for me and I believed it. The first year of our relationship was totally blissful. Year 2 I received a teaching fellowship where I could work full time as a teacher while earning a masters degree. I was elated my dreams where finally becoming true! I decided to tell the good news to my boyfriend. The one person I thought would share my excitement suddenly turned envious. It was bizarre. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t be happy for me… for us?? I couldn’t believe how vile became. He was like Dr Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He would then quit his job leaving me financially responsible for everything. Putting me in substantial debt trying to keep up with bills. He would put me down, insults after insults, project all of his insecurities and fears on me. He would gaslight me to the point where I betrayed myself. I believed him because I thought this is someone that loves me he wouldn’t lie to me right? Wrong he didn’t love me. However, I didn’t know that at the time. I didn’t know that that type of person exist. He would then eventually put his hands on me whenever he felt I betrayed him over petty bs. Then he would apologize and say he didn’t mean to do it. I never thought I would be in that type of relationship but there I was . Robbed of my self Esteem, dignity and confidence.
A couple of months into the fellowship I was an emotional wreck and I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I couldn’t even stand in front of my classroom to teach a class I was crying in front of my students everyday. I could even speak in font of my classroom. I was crippled with fear. Fear of everything my ex boyfriend penetrated into my brain. Negative thoughts of believing that I was a failure, I was smart enough to go through with my dreams. Self sabotaging behaviors. I remember even thinking that they only reason why they picked me for the fellowship was because they felt sorry for me. Imposter syndrome was through the roof! I remember when I was being observed in the classroom, I got my feedback and from the observation that day and the observer ask me a question I would never forget. She asked “ what makes you, you?” I busted out crying because I could answer that question. At that time I didn’t know what made me special. I was depleted. I felt like I didn’t belong. Shortly after I was let go from the fellowship. I was lost.
A couple of months later my ex boyfriend kicked me out of his apt. I had no career. No place to live and nothing to live for at that time. I turned to one of my “ best friends” who’ve I’ve know for over 25 years. We were friends since elementary. I told her my ex wasn’t who he portrayed himself to be he lied to me! He has narcissistic personality disorder. That’s why I am a mess he manipulated me my mind I am not the same anymore. I’m traumatized! She was the only who listed to me. She was the only one who validated my experience because to other I seemed unhinged. She sympathized with me because she told me most of her family was narcissistic. She understood. We grew closer and closer because she was all I had. So I thought. She lived in a different state so for the next year she convinced me to move close to her so I could have her a my support system. 1 year ago I finally agreed to move.I left everything behind and moved close to her. After 3yrs of depression and hopelessness I finally felt optimistic again. I started to think I could restore my life again. Work on my anxiety, confidence and self esteem. I thought I would be starting somewhere new and getting my life together. I was wrong! My so called “ best friend” was also was a narcissist. She isolated me. As soon as I moved close to her she changed. It was like a light switch and that was all too familiar to me. Then it dawned on me. I’m by myself isolated! I have no one to rely on and I have a whole heap of mental health issues. Crippled with depression and cptsd. Struggling to keep afloat financially. I cant hardly make rent each month. I am $28,000 in debt and I’m drowning. If anyone is able to help with anything I would do humbly appreciate it. I’m tying my best to try and get back on my feet so I can go back to school but this time to become a psychologist because I believe I’ve even through this situation to help people with trauma. This experience has taught me a lot about myself and other people.