Hi, I’m Alex, 21.
I come from a family with financial problems. My father left our family (my mother, me and my two older brothers) when I was around 1 y/o. All of us then started living with parents of my mother. Both of my parents had a lot of debt (mainly from loans) and our lives were covered by the grandparents with whom we lived.
Around 15 y/o my mother suddenly disappeared, leaving me and my brothers alone (grandparents were abroad) and we were almost taken by social workers but my grandma came back and she became our foster family.
A year ago I started visiting a psychiatrist (after a massive panic attack I got after trying to get a job) and started taking pills for my depression, anxiety, neurosis and social phobia. By then I was living with my grandparents alone (both my brothers moved out). They weren’t bad but because of the generation gap, we were often lightly arguing. There were also rules that I was afraid of trying to change (coming back home around 10 pm which excluded me from a lot of social interaction with my friends) because my grandma said that if something happened she does not want to go to court again (again because of the process of becoming the foster family). That sentence hurt me pretty badly because to this day I feel like I was a burden to them. I was also feeling bad that I couldn’t work because their pension wasn’t much.
Recently I had the opportunity of moving out with my boyfriend. We are really happy together and both I and my psychologist agreed that the change of surroundings could be good for me.
So with the help of my grandfather, we moved the most important things to the new place.
My boyfriend assured me that he can help me financially for some time while I search for a job. I sent some CVs and after two weeks I got the job in a local grocery shop. But when I think about going there (my first day will be on Tuesday) my stomach is hurting from stress and I feel like vomiting. Also, today I had to ask my friend for money because I had to buy my medicine and I had no money left. We also have no warm water and heating because we still have to install the furnance and my boyfriend is asking his mother for money for that. I’m pushing myself to go there because right now I and my partner are living on the cheapest instant food (we don’t have the stove yet – the apartment was recently renovated and still needs some things) and food rations my boyfriend has left.
He’s trying to get a job too but will know on Monday if he got it.
I don’t know what to do. I, again, feel like a burden. My partner keeps reassuring me that it will be okay but I really feel scared of working.
Going back to my grandparents is possible but I don’t want to since it’s a place where I feel really bad mentally.
That’s why I’m asking for help.
Until I find a way to earn money.