Hi, I hope all is well with you and that you safe doing at least okay mentally, emotionally, and physically. But, also staying safe and healthy. Below is my story. This is me.
My name is Derby Cineas. I am a young adult who decided to take control of her life at 20years old by disconnecting from my family in April/May of 2020. Even though I knew that stepping away could mean a lot of hard life lessons, especially with becoming financially independent, but my soul was demanding for that freedom. I had to do this for my mental, emotional, and physical health. Having my family in my life made me feel like a caged bird. Once I started having suicidal thoughts I knew it was time to let them go.
I guess you could say my family and I were kind of an imperfect match. They were not only toxic individuals, but also controlling and in their minds they felt they were protecting me. But I guess you could say I am one of those odd individuals who is extremely independent and not afraid to fall and get hurt before arriving where I want to be. Since they have more life experiences which mean “they knew better”, but I personally believe that everybody goes about everything in their own way, where one might fail someone else might succeed. That’s life. But that was hard for them understand and accept.
So, I decided to bet on myself, and I took a leap of faith. I haven’t looked back ever since. Every day I wake up feeling more than grateful that I’ve gotten this far on my own. It wasn’t easy I went from living house to house. In one house I was sleeping on the floor, my bedroom windows were boarded up, I had no hot water or heat and it was October/November. I was taking the most unsafe ways to make myself warm, I was leaving my oven door open. In that same apartment I was living with an old lady for a month who was a hoarder, her stuff filled the house along with a distinctive unpleasant smell. And she had a puppy who was pooping and peeing all over the house.
But despite all of that I appreciated all of those low moments and would do it all over again to get where I am right now. No regrets. Those low moments made realize how strong I am as a person but also when I have my high moments, I feel a million times more grateful than I could ever express into words.
In November I learned I had to find a new place as soon as possible because I was going to get evicted. At the time I was living in New Jersey, and I honestly had to ask myself what’s keeping me in this state. I was in a restaurant job that I hated and that was extremely toxic and because of my background growing up with a toxic and dysfunctional family being in that space more than 40hrs a week was triggering. I stopped going to school since I was on my own couldn’t afford it. So, I decided to take a leap of faith and moved to another state (for my privacy and safety I am not gonna say) in December 2021. With the help of of someone I met a day before I had to move into my place since she had car and I didn’t. Scared out of my mind since I knew no one in this new state, but I just felt I had to do this because I needed a fresh start to be able to build my definition of a healthy life in all aspects for myself.
So now here we are august 2022. After struggling with mental issues from depression, anxiety, ptsd since 2018. But always gaslighting myself because of the culture I was raised in, when you have a home and food there should be no reason for you to be depressed. The days I wasn’t gaslighting myself I was so scared about the possible side effects of being on medication. It wasn’t until I had a session with a therapist early this year, who I no longer see, who made me realize I was sacrificing either way so I should just give medication a try. I did. Top 5 best decision of my life. Being on antidepressants really help stabilize me.
I guess you might be wondering this far into this story you may be a bit confused “Okay…but like why does she help?!” Well after working at two different jobs since I moved to this new state, I realize I need to work for myself. I felt crappy mentally and emotionally working a regular 9-5 job. Just because I am taking medication it doesn’t mean I am a 100% everyday all the time. There are some days I wake up feeling terrible mentally and where all I want to do nothing but cry and stay in bed. My last job (before I quit) I was asking to switch shift with someone practically every week. This wasn’t always a success since my coworkers maybe had prior commitments or just didn’t want to. But financially independent and having a 9-5 in the state I currently live is extremely low minimum wage of $8 something an hour and having different long list of financial responsibilities like rent. I had to make sure I worked 35-40hrs every week despite that I would only make enough for rent and nothing else. With only 1-2 days off and those days I just slept too tired to do any inner self work. Asking the two family members that I’ve kept in my life for money here there. But feeling guilty since they barely had a enough themselves.
I am now in space where the new life I am beginning to create for myself, my mantra is anything that makes my soul feel miserable I know it’s not for me. This means families, friends, job, just about everything and anything. Right now I am focused on working on my inner childhood traumas and healing. I’ve been in such a fight or flight mode for 21 years of my life and I just want 6months to a year where I can just dedicate to inner self work and just finally breath. Not be too worried about my bills and have it in the back of my mind and not the front. While putting the time and effort to be self employed, build different streams of income over that time 6months-a year. To start paying for my rent and bills on my own with what I will be saving up by the time 6months-1year arrives.
I am currently in a two-bedroom apartment I’ve had the worst luck in roommates since 2019-2022. My last roommate was honestly my last straw. Despite speaking to her asking her to stop. She was leaving our door unlocked having guys sleep over every single night. One night she had her boyfriend over in her room and another guy on our couch. I was walking out of my room at 4am since I am an early bird when I saw his presence on the couch surprised me. At one point leaving the door unlocked and she left her boyfriend in our apartment while she went to work.
She finally moved out a month ago (her lease ended) and it’s been so freeing. Even before she moved out, I knew not only do I WANT my own apartment but It’s a NEED. I can’t be locked up in my bedroom again. For 21 years of my life whatever shared house/apartment I was in I was always locked up in my room only coming out to cook for myself. Because the space I was living in the energy was not right and I felt uneasy. Having my own apartment means a list of amazing opportunities, one having the option of blasting my music and dancing my anxiety away in my living room. When my new roommate comes, I’ll be restricted once again to my bedroom, especially since she’s taking online classes. I just know I can’t have another roommate. Not to sound dramatic but I’ll most likely have a breakdown if I live with someone again. I want my home to be that one place we’re I feel at ease and my own personal sanctuary while everything in my life may feel crazy, out of order, overwhelming. I want my home to be that one place that isn’t and having full control of my entire apartment not being worried or anxious about having a roommate who might do something disrespectful in the future. Not knowing who’s sleeping over in my home when go to bed and when I wake up in the morning.
So I decided to look for my own place(the property I live in doesn’t have a one bedroom, things are constantly breaking down, and renting my entire current apartment is way too expensive) and I’ve found it. It’s a one bedroom but since I don’t have the income to show I make three times the rent. My original plan was to get help from rental assistance they help every three months up to 18 months, but unfortunately, I just found out yesterday they are no longer taking reapplications. I already applied for three months of rent(may,June, July)for my current apartment. So right now I am 1 month late for rent and I wouldn’t be able to move into my new place until the end of September. Which means I’ll need two months $$ rent to cover for my current apartment. I would like to put 6months rent down for my new apartment so they can approve me. I also need to pay a reservation fee, etc. I am running on a such a limited time to get this apartment so my anxiety is getting a bit out of control but I am trying to remain positive.
I owe a sky high amount of bills and every week at least 10 different compagnies are emailing me about paying an overdue bill. From medical bills, school loans, 2 credit card loan, and ect. I have $0 in my bank account. Actually -$1000 most likely in my td bank but I can’t even tell you because I can’t even access my account because my phone bill needs to be paid so I can’t receive sms.
I’ve tried therapy for three + years and never found what I was looking for until about two months ago when I landed on a holistic therapist page and we video chat to see if we were the right match. From the first 2 min of speaking to one another I knew she was the person I’ve searching for to help me heal. But unfortunately I couldn’t afford the many sessions I will need with her because you guessed it no money. Honestly each day that goes by that I don’t receive her help is each day I struggles in some way unconsciously and subconsciously. Because I am more than ready for her help and the many things that I need to unpack is boiling over and I just can’t shove them down anymore. It’s time I get a professional to help me step into this new life I am creating for myself mentally and emotionally by helping me heal a lot of inner childhood traumas.
From my long list of overdue bills, loans, no car so money for transportation, groceries and to finally have a therapist. I hope it makes sense why I am asking for such a high amount money for help. Could you please provide me $15,000-$20,000. With my new rent being 1,500 a month. Also move in charges: rent, $200 reservation fee, $1000 security deposit, and bunch of other fees totals up to 3,256.60 for my move in charges for September. Then wanting to put down 6 months rent so I can be approved. Be able to start therapy because as much I am physically getting what I want and being on an antidepressant those things are half the work but I am not truly okay just yet until I get professional help.
I want to put the time and energy on being self-employed. To be able to wake up if I feel like I need to cry all day and stay in my bed under a comforter I have the option to. Right now, I have about two different sources of income, but how can I focus my all and prosper when I am still in fight or flight mode.
Consider your help as in investment in me. I know even though I am a stranger to you, but I hope my story is able show how resilient and courageous I am. This money is not going to go down the drain. I want a better life for myself but I just need some help so I can go full steam ahead. I know I am destined for greatness I don’t know I can just feel it. Being able to get help and reach the best space mentally, emotionally, and physically. So, in return I can help and teach others how to survive and possibly disconnect from maybe their own toxic families and providing them with resources that has helped me. Showing them that yeah it may be, hell but it’s not impossible and that I am living proof of that and giving them courage to step out and be great. That no matter how many times they fall they have to always find a way to get back up. My name is Derby, and that is my story are you willing to help me be great, so like domino effect I can help many others because you helped me.
Don’t mistake my confidence in myself as cockiness, I’ve just been through a lot and reminding myself that Evey day is one of the things that keep me going.
Bellow I’ve attached a photo for my current balance for the apartment I am living in and the second image is for the one I want. I’ve scratched some information out for my privacy and safety. I know the second image does not show full ledger of the payments my new apartment will charge me but again privacy and safety.
p.s I pay for covered packing even though I don’t have a car because I want to make sure I have it already just in case the day arrives when I do. Speak it into reality.