My Husband calls me many names, you can call me, Ana. I’m a 38 year young Mother of two strong amazing girls. My rock & first born, Kelsey recently turned 19 and graduated 2021. My baby girl, Scarlette is 10, and Nonverbal with Autism. I’ve been married or with their father for over 21 years. He preferred I stay home raising our children always so i’ve been homeschooling my youngest for 6 years but at home with them for their entire lives. My daughters are my everything! Sadly, I’ve been letting them down. That’s why I’m desperate for your help because I couldn’t live with myself if I don’t fix it before it’s too late.
This is a short explanation of how I found myself here. Raised by an Aunt for my first ten years in a tiny town. Then forced to move to a city with my Mother who felt like a stranger, my Father was busy. A “Step-father” that verbally & mentally abused my brother and I, as if God was punishing him personally with our presence. Me being the oldest of six, I quickly learned to care for them while working endlessly to be enough for his acceptance. All the while my Mother was being haunted by her own childhood, and too busy trying to provide so she could never defend us. That being said at age 17, I met my Husband and couldn’t wait to leave. Ignoring an overwhelming amount of red flags I moved out at 18 on the dot, then was pregnant with my oldest four months later.
This is actually my fifth time attempting to write a letter good enough. I was doubting myself & felt humiliated. Then it dawned on me, the doubts and negative thoughts weren’t mine. The feeling of desperately trying so hard to get it right, but never quite getting it. Those thoughts were created in my head by the words said to me by my Husband almost daily for eighteen years. My entire life, from my Mother leaving me with my Aunt. My Father with his family but never thinking to involve me. My Aunt forcing me to my Mothers where I was never good enough, it never mattered what I did and still doesn’t. It’s only fitting that I seek out a man to spend my life with that would make me feel the same. Life’s funny like that, it molds us and if you aren’t paying attention you can stumble into the very thing you were trying to avoid.
My Aunt who was like a Mother to me, passed from brain cancer six months ago after only being diagnosed four months earlier. My husband didn’t even go to her funeral so you can imagine how much support I’ve received. My options are very limited with my daughters disabilities. My daughter doesn’t do well with a lot of people or staying at other peoples homes for longer than an hour. My daughter also has a phobia of animals, so going anywhere that has pets is extremely stressful for her. My Mother lives a few hours away and is caring for my brother and his four children under the age of five, she’s already spread too thin. I do not want to add to her stress by unloading my issues, I already worry about her health now. It can also be difficult for some people to understand my daughters needs, and I would hate to cause anyone to feel uncomfortable in their own home. My daughters and I just need a small place of our own.
The shift in energy when my husband gets home is insanely different. My hearts been broken constantly without ever getting an explanation. I’ve begged my Husband for counseling or therapy with no luck. I’ve also asked for a separation or divorce, he laughed and told me to “Figure it out!” amongst his usual disrespectful language. I have been told I’m garbage, worthless, and that my words and feelings mean nothing. It’s sad to me that he can not see the damage he’s creating with his behavior. My last straw was one of his typical 7:00am tantrums he throws before leaving for work, this one was because someone drank the last cup of milk. My oldest daughter came out of her room shaking like a leaf, hysterically crying and apologizing to me. My daughter heard her dad taking it out on me, knowing she drank the milk and I never corrected him. It made me literally sick to my stomach seeing her feel that guilty over milk. He refuses to care for his daughter while I get groceries, so me getting a job has never been an option. I’ve walked on eggshells for so long, it’s exhausting. It’s unfair to my girls for me to continue wasting patience and energy on him.
My daughters disabilities require a lot of attention & work that I do all on my own. He’s kept me from working, he controls all income. The state said I’d have to stay in a shelter with my girls just to apply, so it’s not even a sure thing. My Husband’s sure I have no-way of leaving by controlling all income. Last year I wanted to start a small business from home that could be done while caring for my daughter and she would be able to help. I’m positive that I would be successful, it would’ve been great for us all. I’m sure it’s why he created as many roadblocks as possible. He has no respect for me, and I know he never will. My children are just good kids and it’s so sad that we all walk around not knowing what will set him off. My daughters deserve a peaceful loving home.
I want to thank everyone that’s taken time to read a piece of my story. There aren’t enough words to convey the amount of gratitude, I have for all efforts. If you want updates please feel free to leave an Email, I’d gladly give updates. I’ve roughly estimated how much that would be need to give the time needed to get us girls moved to a new home, settled, fed and a small amount of materials for my inventory. This will change my life so I hope to pay it forward when I have the opportunity. The amount of relief that I will have knowing my girls don’t have to stress about milk or any other minuscule things he freaks out about. It would be nice to just cherish all the time I have with them because life is so short. So please I humbly am begging anyone that can help, to change the entire direction of our lives.
I can do it, failing isn’t even an Option! For $15,000 to $20,000
Truthfully I’m not sure how much more I can handle. Hopefully I don’t sound too awful. If I do, I am sorry. I’ve never done anything like this but i’m desperate so I am praying you can answer my prayers!
Sincerely, Ana Marie