My name is Jessica. I’m severely mentally ill. I have bipolar, major depression, anxiety, panic attacks, schizoaffective disorder, bpd,and adhd. I also have so much pain from not having or seeing my kids because if this. They live in a different state because I couldn’t support myself and needed to stay with family. I miss them so much. After every manic episode my mental health got worse and worse. I used to be a massage therapist for 8 years, a great mom, had my own place, car, was a hard worker, healthy, happy, smart, skilled, etc… in the beginning I was able to take the medication they gave me for depression and anxiety and still functioned and handled responsibilities. Then the bipolar manifested and my brain function and severe depression and anxiety became worse and worse. I never went back to normal after each episode but lost parts of myself and all of my strength, hope, fight, and a lot of my skills and abilities I once had. Mania kills brain cells, being bipolar makes my blood toxic to my body and stress causes inflammation on my brain and body so its not just mental but physical as well. The side effects of my medications have destroyed my health and my life as much as the mental illness. They cause brain fog, memory loss, body pain, weak and tired muscles, muscle wasting, low white blood cell count, low blood pressure, I get heat stroke easy because I can’t regulate my body temperature, I’m pre diabetic as my meds cause diabetes, high cholesterol, and heart problems. They make me slow. I can’t massage anymore and I’ve forgotten most all of my usefull knowledge I once had. I’m not a quick thinker anymore. I have no social skills anymore, I live in fear. I’m scared, alone, so depressed I cry myself to sleep every night and cry throughout the day. Nobody understands and they think I can get over it and get a normal job and support myself. The last few times I had a job the stress made me either go manic or become suicidal and I couldn’t get through a shift of work without freaking out. I used to work three jobs while being a single mom. I never saw myself getting here to this point where I can’t even support myself or save myself. I can’t fight for my kids because I don’t have the strength after battling my mental and physical health problems. It takes the life out of me and being away from my kids makes me too sad to fight harder because I’m exhausted and in pain and I can’t keep going when all the odds are stacked against me. I have so much pressure where I live and I need to come up with money for rent or go on the streets and figure it out myself. I was doing odd jobs helping people with yard work for a few hours here and there but got heat exhaustion too many times and then severe heat stroke. I’ve been sick since then and I have no way to come up with money and the stress is making me start to go manic. I’ve pulled myself out of it a few times but if I don’t find support or help soon I am going to have a mental breakdown. I can’t survive on the streets I’ve almost died being homeless in the past. This time I need a fighting chance. I need survival supplies to stay alive. A tent, sleeping bag, a wagon or bike with a trailer for my stuff so I’m not without anything at all, a tarp, rope, solar charger to keep in touch with my kids, money for a shower and maybe to stay at a campground sometimes or afford a hotel here and there. Anything you can spare would help me so much. I could use it to make it back to where my kids live where there are programs that help the homeless or mentally ill. I just really need to get out of where I’m staying for enough time to get a break from the stress because it’s causing me to be in crisis mode. I need a safe place to think and prepare for what im going to do before im thrown out without being ready at all. I need to research the safest places to go and find some supplies before I’m left to die on the streets because thats what will end up happening. I would like to see my kids one more time before they see me deteriorate and fade away into homelessness. If I get enough help I can pay rent where im staying or get into a weekly where I can apply for housing the week I’m in there. But I have to be staying there before housing will consider my application. There are options for me but they all take money which I can’t make on my own with my mental disabilities and physical health problems that I can’t just fight through or ignore and get over. My problems are real and I can’t fight them alone. Therapy and meds don’t work to fix my problem. I need someone to care, to understand, and to love me for who I am. I’m applying for disability and if I get it in the next year or so then I won’t have to rely on anyone to financially support me but until then I need help which I don’t want to ask for. It makes me feel guilty, weak, mad at myself, a burden, sad that I am putting others out because I don’t have the abilities that normal people do to support themselves. I just want to be normal again. I didn’t ask for this. Every day is a struggle to be alive and I have no happiness or joy, no hope, little faith. Please help me survive and find hope. Have a fighting chance so I can keep going and not give up. Thank you and God bless.