Hi, my name is Ella. I’m 25 years old, living in the UK.
It’s really hard for me to talk about it, but before I ask for anything, please let me tell you my story…
For as long as I can remember, I was bullied and harassed by other children.
My forehead was too big, I wore glasses, I wore unfashionable clothes, I read too much, I studied too well, I spoke too little, I spoke too much…
When it started, I was 7, maybe 8 years old. I never told my parents about it.
Then my parents divorced when I was 12. I thought it was all my fault, even though they said it’s not.
I didn’t feel loved, accepted and I remember praying to God for a disease(!)…
I believed that I’d see people crying on my funeral (from heaven) and regret how they treated me. Luckily, God didn’t listen to me. At least not completely…
I started to struggle with depression and anxiety, and I started to drink a lot. I was only 13.
The years passed and I hated myself more and more. I did things I didn’t want and I didn’t mean to do. When I tried to show or tell others that something was wrong, they made me feel even worse. And I’ve heard many times that it’s not possible that something is wrong with me, because I always smile…
So I drank and pretended to be happy. Until it got all too far…
I had too much anger in me and I didn’t want my family to suffer from it. So when I was 20 I packed up and announced that I was leaving for the UK…
It definitely helped me to see my life from a distance. But if I only knew…
In 2017, when I was back home, I finally went to a neurologist, got medication for depression and was referred to a psychologist.
I knew I needed therapy but I couldn’t afford it. So I was hoping that I would be able to handle it myself.
It was also the year when I finally stopped drinking. I knew it’s really bad for me.
4 years later, I’m writing this. I’ve come to a point in my life when I don’t know what to do. I’ve been working all the time since I came to the UK, but after my last job something broke in me.
My recent job was in care, I looked after 25 years old boy with several diseases who lives with his grandparents. Long story short, it turned out that his grandparents are racist. 4 months I endured how they humiliated me. With only 20 hrs/week. I couldn’t do it anymore, I quit.
After all, my depression got worse.
I started to struggle with paying my rent, I’m already one week behind and this week it will start to grow.
I’m looking for a job, but can’t find any.
I’m afraid to come back among the people, I am afraid to work with them.
I’m afraid to do late shifts because I was once followed and molested on my way home (from an afternoon shift).
And as if all this was not enough, I have eating disorder and I start to look like my shadow. I feel very weak and like there is no life left in me.
I haven’t seen my family for almost 2 years, because I can’t afford a ticket + covid tests. I have younger siblings (21, 13, 12, 10). There is nothing I miss more than them. I’m tired, I have enough of my own head… I would like to finally live a normal life.
For the first time in my life, I am asking for financial help.
I hope that if anyone decides to help me, in a few months or years I will be able to help others back.
I have plans, I have dreams. I want to live my live, I want to be happy. I don’t want to worry about things I can’t control. My family is also going through a hard time, my grandmother is sick and my mom has no help. I would like to be there for them, with them. I hope I’m not asking for too much.
My rent costs me 400£/month and I would be grateful if someone would help me protect me from being indebted.
The most important, therapy is around 30-40£/h. I know that without it, I can’t move forward.
I’m fully vaccinated so to go back home for tickets + covid tests I’d probably need around 300£, but I can’t go until my rent is paid as I want to be fair with my landlord.
I cannot describe my emotions while I’m writing this, but thank you to everyone who took the time to read my story.
If you have decided to help, then thank you with all my heart!
My PayPal is: https://www.paypal.me/elisabettex