When I grow up I want to be a princess, the President, a Rockstar…. I dont recall ever hearing anyone dreaming to be a victim of domestic violence. Its shameful, its embarrassing, its humiliating. It is such a huge array of emotions resulting in confusion, self doubt, low self esteem. It is a constant drive to be better, to look better, make better decisions, be smarter, be more in tune with his immediate needs, knowing what he wants before he speaks, to constantly work for approval and love and never, ever being able to live up to the expectations put on you. You become worthless. A failure. Well that’s not entirely true. Just when you feel like giving up he rescues you from the deepest , most toxic part of yourself with just enough love to keep you hoping the worst is behind you. Its like a honeymoon. You are so happy and elated, floating on cloud 9. Then just as quickly as he brought you back up he sends you plummeting back down even farther than before. This time the hurt is accompanied by guilt and confusion and anger. You start to doubt your sanity when he puts all the blame on you. You begin to believe that you have been ungrateful and unappreciative so you swear to yourself you will do better. You are a scavenger hunting for any small glimpse of the man you love.
You are alienated from your friends because he is uncomfortable with them for whatever reason. The takeover is so subtle and so easily excused. Then you become distant from your family. You stop calling your sister or mom because you don’t want to tell them what he did..you don’t want them to dislike him. The last link to normal and to a world outside of this world you are now entangled in. His world. You are only in his world to please him. To meet every demand. Do not dare say no.
“Well its not like I punched you with my fist. You would be knocked out
Is that what you want? ” my cheek still stinging from the aftermath of his slap. I feel my eye starting to swell.
“Great.” I think to myself. “How am i gonna cover up another black eye ?”
The other day I tried to leave for the 100th time but I did it the wrong way. It was a dramatic exit in the middle of a fight. I ran out the front door. He chased me. I heard him coming. I stopped running and froze in fear hoping he would be more forgiving since I gave up. He grabbed me by the throat and squeezed. I was in shock at the severity of the attack and also terrified by the potential outcome of strangulation. “Please… Im sorry” my words barely audible because of the pressure around my throat.
He let go and grabbed onto my hair instead and lead me home.
How brazen and arrogant of him to attack me in the middle of the street in our neighborhood. Oh it didn’t matter any more what the neighbors saw. We were the subject of everyone’s gossip.
My children are staying with friends because my situation has become so volital I could not keep them with me and this monster I have invited into my life.
My plea to this site is to ask and pray for assistance to leave quietly and without incident. We don’t need to have anything fancy. Just a clean and decent place where we can be a family again without fear. A house of love and faith and peace. I don’t ask for help ever. No-one knows my fear. But I am afraid for my future and my kids futures. They are teenage girls. Beautiful, smart and worth so much more than this. Thank you to all of you who read this to the end. Every dollar is a dollar closer to freedom.