I’m not sure if this is the place to post this but I’m running out of options.
Sorry this is going to be long. We will call my fiancé D in this situation. D is your stereotypical narcissist.
Our relationship began about two years ago and it was amazing. I was a broke lonely college student struggling with my mental health. I dealt with this by frequenting bars and getting blackout drunk. And then one night changed everything. He walked up to me and bought me a drink. We started talking and it was like I’d never made a more perfect connection in my life. He was older, had graduated and was established working in finance. He had his life together unlike me. And he was SO kind and it seemed as though we had so many shared interests and views. We started dating 3 days later. I was happier than I had been in a long time and actually had hope for the future. About a month later, D got a iob offer he couldn’t turn down in a different state-one on the complete other side of the country.
1000s of miles from any friends or family. At this point though, I was spending so much time with D and so infatuated with him I felt like I didn’t need friends or family. And I think back to this and hate myself for it every day- but he convinced me to drop out of school and move with him. My parents were so disappointed in me when I told them, but as I was an adult and had been paying for my own school through student loans and scholarships there was nothing they could really say to stop me.
D told me he loved me and planned to marry me and would support me forever and we would live a great life. And I believed him. As soon as we moved everything changed. It was like a switch flipped. All of a sudden I wasn’t allowed to dress how I wanted, to have social media (because why do I need anyone but him?) although he was on all the apps.
He didn’t want me to get a job as all I was really qualified for without a degree was a waitress or bartending job and D claimed I only wanted to do that to be hit on by guys, where really I just wanted some of my own money. He was quickly able to destroy any connection I had besides him, leaving me to just sit in our apartment all day alone waiting for him to come home from work. I do take a lot of blame on myself for allowing him to isolate me like this and not realize what was going on. After a few months of this, I had had enough. He was nothing like the guy I had met in my college bar. He called me names, yelled and would throw things around over the slightest disagreement or something as minor as me going outside in a tank top. I wanted to leave. And I expressed this to him – saying he wasn’t the guy I started dating and that I can’t keep living like this. His response? Blackmail. He loved receiving nsfw photos and videos from me over text and would beg for them while at work at least three times a week. Even if I didn’t want to- as by this point my self esteem was so low I could hardly look at myself. It was easier to just complete his request than deal with the ensuing explosion of anger. And now in expressing that I wanted to get out of the relationship he used this against me- threatening to send them via email to family members, post online, and basically ruin any chance of a future without him. At this point I no longer wanted to be alive. I felt as though I would have to suck it up and be with him forever or take my own life. I didn’t want to die and felt that there was so much in life to experience so sucked it up and just continued living my life walking on eggshells careful not to upset him.
Recently , D proposed to me and I didn’t have much but to say yes. Friends and family will not be allowed at the wedding. He wants a private courthouse marriage of course. This past weekend, D got extremely drunk with friends and when he came home, passed out on the couch with his phone unlocked and open. The application open was tinder. I didn’t snoop or even try to read his messages as what I saw was enough. I simply took a picture of the screen for my own records and so that when I addressed it later on, he couldn’t deny it and convince me that I’m crazy. Yesterday I finally worked up the courage to bring it up. To spare the details as I’m shaking and feel like I might throw up even writing this, he physically attacked me. At this point l’m well aware that I’ve been in an abusive relationship but the abuse was mostly financial and emotional up until this point. I hate him so much and have decided I have to leave. Nothing could be as bad as staying with this man. I’ve already decided how I’m going to escape. I don’t have many valuables so I don’t need to take much. I have no money to my name and no source of income or bank account but I created a cashapp account about a month ago and secretly ordered the cash card that came in the mail. I have a laptop I can sell and have tried to look into some loans for bad credit ( don’t have much credit history). Otherwise l’m not sure how I can get the money to survive in the meantime until I can make it home. Thanks for reading if you’ve read this far. I’ve never opened up about what I’ve gone thru so even posting this this helps me feel like I’m starting to take my power back.