I’ve been living through a terrible situation for quite a few years, but it has reached a point where I really need help. My life started going downhill from a young age, as I developed severe problems that I couldn’t manage at the time, and they continue to haunt me, preventing me from leading a normal life.
Before the age of 10, I began experiencing severe depression caused by bullying, lack of support and understanding from my family, and numerous insecurities that made me feel worse about myself over time. This made me more sensitive, leading to social anxiety, low self-esteem, unhealthy habits, a loss of social connections, and suicidal thoughts.
Due to the lack of support from my family, I attempted to escape from home several times, spending a lot of time alone in my room, worsening my mental state. The few times I felt capable of talking to my family about how I felt, they not only failed to support me but also used it to belittle my feelings and insult me. I’ve even received threats from them to kick me out of the house while I still depend on them or even to harm me if I don’t obey their every command.
I’ve had several suicide attempts, but they haven’t succeeded due to the sensitivity I’ve developed towards pain and death. Despite coming close to the point of no return several times, I tried to think less about it, hoping that someday I might receive some help and get out of this situation, but ironically, I was being too optimistic.
I am currently 23 years old and live with my mother, the family member with whom I have spent the most time and who has caused me the most traumas and problems. She shows no consideration for me and lives her life without caring about how her decisions affect me. Sometimes, she invades my personal space to control the organization and ambiance of my room since she is extremely perfectionistic. Other times, she invites many of her friends over for hours, with whom I don’t want to interact, and they stay in the public areas that I have to pass through to get to the bathroom or kitchen. Sometimes, I even refrain from eating, drinking, or using the bathroom for hours just to avoid uncomfortable situations where my mother belittles me in front of them due to my lifestyle.
Initially, I was going to study a higher degree in computer science, but limited slots at the center I wanted to attend prevented me from doing so for several years. This year, my mother decided to retire and demanded that I find any job immediately. If I don’t, she threatened to kick me out of the house, even though I haven’t become independent yet, citing excessive expenses she claims I incur. I would be willing to reduce my expenses significantly, but she seems more interested in getting rid of me than finding another solution.
Therefore, I had to send resumes to every possible place within my city, with very limited experience and unable to travel beyond due to the lack of a driver’s license or personal vehicle. I had a call and an interview from two different places, but I wasn’t hired at either. Now that my mother has retired, she recently learned that certain foreigners she helped formalize their nationality in our country ran a restaurant in our city. She asked them if they could hire me, and they agreed, saying they would train me even without experience. I’ve been working there for almost a month now, and the experience couldn’t be more unpleasant.
To start, I haven’t signed any contract with them, so there’s no assurance that I’ll get paid when the month is completed. They did mention they were ‘preparing it,’ but I’m still waiting, and in almost a month, they haven’t informed me of anything. On the first day, they were understanding of my lack of experience, but from the second/third day onward, they started demanding a lot, openly complaining whenever I make a mistake, and constantly comparing me to them, despite them having years of experience there and me struggling to adapt to their pace. Some speak to me condescendingly due to my lack of experience, making jokes about firing me. In addition to the psychological burden, I have to stand for around 5 consecutive hours without sitting, which I’m not accustomed to and is physically exhausting. Essentially, I am significantly deteriorating my mental and physical health for a job that doesn’t even guarantee payment.
One day when I went to work, I almost broke down in tears from the stress, but luckily, I managed to hold it together, and every day is equally intense. Since starting this job, I’ve had suicidal thoughts more frequently again, feeling that at any moment, I might lose my sanity and act on them.
I can’t afford a private psychologist, and my mother doesn’t help me. Free psychologists are limited and only recommend medication or give advice that isn’t helpful.
I’m on the verge between my current job, the pressure my mother puts on me, and everything that goes through my mind on a daily basis. The only way I could redirect my life is by having more economic freedom to invest in something that provides more stability and doesn’t destroy me like my current job does. I have an idea in my head that has a good chance of success if it were possible, but for that, I need time and money.
I’ve been playing the piano since I was very young, and over time, I stopped going to classes and started playing the music I liked on my own. I know that if I could play in a highly crowded public place in my area, I could earn a substantial income, as I have done it before on special occasions. It’s something I have special confidence in, as I have been playing the piano for over 16 years.
The issue is that I need to acquire a portable piano to transport it in my current conditions. It’s something that exists and is of quality, but it costs around $1000, and there would likely be additional costs for public transportation and piano support. It’s not something I see as possible in the short term. I feel mentally unstable, and I truly believe that if something doesn’t change soon, I’ll end up taking my own life, or I’ll die homeless on the street with nowhere to go.
I don’t like having to ask for help, but I really need it. The fact that someone takes the effort to read all of this is already admirable, but if someone also wants to support me financially with what I need to improve my situation, no matter how small the contribution, I will be eternally grateful. Thank you very much.