Hello all, I am not quite sure what I am doing here? I guess for the same reason everyone else is here; my life has fallen apart and I need help.
My name is Ben and I am a 38 year old male, living in a small town called Horsham, in the UK.
Everything was going well for me in life, I had a good job, engaged to the girl of my dreams and was just about to move into our new home.
However, on October 1st 2014 I had a mental breakdown, For 10 consecutive days I spent in Hospital constantly being sick and in a severe state of panic.
All the doctors kept telling me was Ben you need to calm down and it will stop, but I couldn’t, no matter how many drugs they filled me with.
I was referred to the mental health team where i was diagnosed as having severe Anxiety and Depression.
I was then stuck on all sorts of medication to try help and over 4 years later currently taking 600mg Pregabalin and 30mg Matazipine daily to try help combat the emotions.
They help numb them but defiantly do not take them away.
During the past 4 years I have received all sorts of help, some on the NHS and some paid for.
1-1 Mental health for 10 weeks on the NHS
Group sessions – coping skills for 8 weeks on the NHS
Time to talk for 8 weeks on the NHS
CBT therapy for 8 weeks on the NHS
Hypnotherapy for 8 weeks Paid for
EFT therapy for 8 weeks paid for
Trauma therapy for 4 weeks paid for
Even though I took small pieces from all of these it still has not resolved my severe Anxiety.
Everything and anything sends me in to states of panic and over the past 4 years have barley left my house.
The thought of everything just scares the hell out of me and well I don’t even know what I am scared of.
I try to do little things to push myself and when I think I am heading in the right direction my Anxiety goes nah I don’t think so. So I spend most of my days sitting in my room (My safe space)
Because of my Anxiety my brain just never shuts off, and sleeping became a real issue. So for the last 3 years have been taking heavy Sleeping tablets to help shut down my brain and help me sleep. First they had me on Zopliclone but hated these as they left a horrible metal taste in your mouth all the next day so now i take Nitrazepam to help me sleep.
The Depression comes from what the Anxiety has done to me as a person, I went from loving life, to hating everything about mine.
The Anxiety has changed me as a person and ruined all relationships, my fiance still stands by my side god bless her, I don’t know why most would of run a mile, however she is in financial difficulties herself so she can not help me anymore.
I do receive some help from ESA and housing benefit to help pay for rent and food but this does not even cover my out goings each month.
I had a credit card that back in 2014 I had never spent a penny on it was just in case I ever needed to pay for something and didn’t have the money there and then.
Because the money being received did not cover my bills I then had to use my credit card, to pay for food and well just to live.
That credit card now sits at it max limit of £4600 ad every month they are now taking £130 as minimum payment and I just can not afford this, so when they take it, I then go take out £40 in cash and the rest is interest so it just sits at £4600 and I losing £90 every month.
I did have some help from friends to help pay for food and bills but even they have said they can no longer help me and well I just do not know what to do.
I am just getting in so much debt, late with bills and well not even sure will be able to afford next months rent yet because my benefits money just doesn’t cover all my out goings.
I have not eating for a few days now apart from the odd packet of crisps or chocolate bar as that is all I had left in the house.
I am at the point where I really don’t know what to do anymore, and well I am begging for help from anybody.
I have contemplated ending it all, but I know this is not what i want but I do not see no way out.
All I want is to be able to live a normal life like anybody else and not feel trapped as at the moment that is how I feel.
I don’t know where to go anymore for help apart from the doctors sending me back to what I have already had.
Somebody please hear me, and please help. All donations would be welcomed no matter how small as it all helps.
Thanks for reading my story.