It’s almost surreal to be on this site and writing these words. A few years ago my life was as perfect as I could have hoped for. Married to my best friend, a beautiful daughter and then the miracle birth of my son after losing 6 babies. I could not have been happier and more content in life.
I was a homemaker and I took that position seriously. I lived it in every way possible. My family and I were what friends called an inspiration. That was a great achievement I thought.
Then it all slipped away…my husband (my best friend), the happy guy everyone loved to be around, the best father I could hope for to my kids; changed. Suddenly he started becoming irritable, snappy at first, short fused to say the least. I assumed maybe just work stress. Needed a vacation possibly. That quickly turned into abuse, rage, a monster walking around in my husbands skin. The kids and became terrified of him & his presence. The same kids that used to wait impatiently for their daddy to be home and spend time with them; now would start to panic a hour before he even got off work. Hiding in their rooms in hopes of out of site out of mind. I became a mother I hated from the anxiety, fear & panic of my own . Trying to protect them and myself. Plus the sheer confusion of what was happening and why.
Night after night I would sit alone in my kitchen floor crying as quietly as possible over what was happening, how to make it stop. I rarely slept, hardly ate, my life was about surviving and protecting.
Then one day he came home and informed me he had quit his job as an electrical engineer for the city. Wasn’t sure what he wanted to do in life but it wasn’t that. I of course panicked about our future, our children, health insurance, all the worries a normal person would have. That infuriated him and he left. He did not come home that night. First night in 17 years he was not their with me. Not a call, no text, nothing. I was so relieved for a night off from fear; I didn’t care where he was.
The next morning he returned as if he had not been gone. Went out to do yard work like it was a normal day. Leaving his phone on the counter. I like any smart women would do vegan to investigate why my world was deteriorating. I felt safe since I could see him out the window long before he made it in the house. Therefore I began to search….
My husband had become a crystal meth addict. He quit his job before he got drug tested and lost his pension. He had been out all night with a 19 yr old prostitute and he apparently had found a new profession as a drug dealer. I put his phone back on the counter and I stood in my kitchen in the same spot for what seemed like hours. Stunned, shocked and yet a sense of relief at solving the mystery. Then hopeful at the thought that he could get help. Go to rehab. I could save him, us, my poor innocent broken children could be healed. I decided to wait till I felt I could confront him calm and caring.
That night I went to bed. My husband already asleep. My son, just barely a year old asleep in my arms. I drifted off peaceful at the thought of hope. At around 3 I was awakened when I felt my body being moved about. As I woke up more I saw my son across the bed still sleeping. Then realized my husband had slid my legs off the bed hand had me bent over and pinned down. He proceeded to sodomize me. Knowing I would not fight back due to fear of my son waking to what was happening. When he was thru he pushed my son back over and passed back out. I spent the rest of the night sobbing uncontrollably on my back steps so no one would hear me. The next morning I confronted him, begged him to get help. For himself, for our children. I asked are they not worth that. He said no, he chose the drug over all of us. Tore the house apart packing a bag and walked out the door.
I had sent my children next door to my mothers before he had even woke up. When the door slammed behind him , I heard my body as it crashed to the floor. Every human emotion one can have flooding thru my exhausted, weak spirit. I laid there sobbing , wailing, screaming as if in physical pain thru the night and into the next morning.
I had never worked outside the home. Was not allowed on the checking account, my name was not on the deed to the house, I had never paid a bill in my life . He had done the grocery shopping, he handled it all. I had thought I was lucky, pampered, a kept woman who didn’t have to worry with such things. Then reality hit with such a force it consumed my being . I had no money. None at all. I had pushed away everyone in my life trying to hide what was happening. Come to find out he had convinced everyone I had gone crazy and become emotionally abusive and kicked him out. All I had was my children and my disabled mother. If not for her $700 a month check; we would have starved. At times I still worried we would. 2 months passed with no word from him. Finally one day I stood up and said I have to survive this. My children have to see me being ok . That was the only way I had left to save them from what we had been thru. I had to be ok so they could be ok.
I had got us where we were financially making it . Then covid came and I lost my job. A week later while out applying for another my jeep started to overheat. Three days later it was done for. I didn’t have the money for parts much less a mechanic. Six months went by. I live 25 minutes driving time from any business other than one gas station 3 miles from my home. There is no uber or Lyft; not even a cab service. I only know two people near me that thank goodness once a week would take me to town for groceries or necessities. I walked to the gas station and tried to apply. The said due to covid they did not need anyone. Finally the hope of using a stimulus check to buy a vehicle was coming. I bought a used but what seemed like a reliable vehicle. Proud as ever, seeing that I was 40 years old and had never purchased a vehicle before in my life. Second time I drove it ; it broke down. Now I had two non running vehicles and still no car.
If in the city, this would have not been such an issue. But I was away from everything. It became a nightmare with no hope of it ending. A vicious cycle. No car means no job. No job means no money. No money means no car. I refuse to have come this far though and give up. I began searching the internet for anything that could be a way to get a vehicle. That is how I ended up here today, sharing my story. My poor sweet mother has taken care of us on her little check, she is an angel in my eyes. I have worked any side job I could get that someone would take me to or pick me up for. I don’t want help, but I know I need it. All I need though is enough help to get a step up out of this hole I have been left in. Once I get that step up and my feet on higher ground; I will never need to be taken care of again. I recently went back to school online. Working on a degree in clinical psychology.
My hope is that if given the help I need to get on my own two feet; once strong and stable in life I am going to make it my life’s goal to seek out other women in my situation and help them help themselves too. I can’t be the only one and no one who wants to help themselves should be denied the help they need to do it.
If you read this far , thank you for sticking thru my story with me. If nothing else it’s nice to finally be heard. Thank you and I pray you nor anyone ever has to live in fear.
Any help received Is a blessing and you are an angel in my eyes. Thankful would not begin to describe the feeling, but for lack of a better term ; thank you with all my heart .