I don’t even know where to begin to make this less humiliating. My pride is telling me to write so I don’t sound needy or pathetic. When really I feel both of those and more.
I must have broke a mirror, or stepped on a crack or something
I’m sure there are thousands if not millions of people that are needing help. And I’m sure there are more people who need it more than I. My options are gone and doing this , so is my pride.
People tend to get caught up in life. Taking it for granted. You hear dramatic stories but you never really understand or feel someone’s story, until it happens to you.
**Life is a blessing no matter the obstacles you face in it ~kd**
April 2017 I was diagnosed with AML. Acute myeloid Leukemia. Acute meaning fast. Having to tell my dad , well I thought it was the worst thing ever, until I had to tell my 2 kids. How do you tell your kids your dying? Horrible feeling seeing their hearts hurt. I wasn’t going to take treatment but I couldn’t let them see me give up. I thought that they would feel I gave up on them. That would NOT ever be the case.!
I prayed for my kids. I prayed for my dad. Prayed for everyone I loved that had to deal with this and to deal with me. I prayed that they would all be okay. You never want to see someone you care about in any kind of pain. My family loves me. This was really hard on them.
I prayed they would have strength, myself to have strength and I prayed for forgiveness.
I took the treatments. Chemo was horrible. Then I went for the stem cell /bone marrow transplant that July. So they had to kill all my bone marrow. It was horrible. It hurt so bad that I just prayed for it to stop. When the bone marrow started coming back it was even worse. (you can tough this out)
I ended up catching CDef. Which I believe is a bacteria in your gut. I had no control of my bowels. Between that and chemo being so weak I couldn’t walk . Therapy had to be done for me to be able to walk by myself again.( It’s okay. Tough it out WOMAN)
My skin pealed off . I don’t mean a small “went to the beach and got burned peal.” The skin was so thick I don’t know how my organs stayed in tacked.
It was thick like skinning a pig. Thick
My fingernails slowly fell off Backwards. (The cuticle area first.) I looked like a rotting corpse from a movie. Thinking , “just tough it out.”
I prayed that the pain would stop. I was miserable.
* LIFE is truly not appreciated until it has been faced with Death~kd*
I then got GVHD. Which is graph vs host disease. That’s when the body rejects your donor.
I had blisters the size of grapefruits over my entire body. They were so painful. I remember praying aloud for Death. I just wanted it to stop!
I felt my hope fall shy of nothing.
Now they had to keep me medicated for a bit and pumped me so full of fluids that I went from 120to 298 in less than a month. That being said I lost mobility. They had to lift me with a machine to turn me, to clean me, any kind of moving . I was at deaths door and it was opening fast. I couldn’t hold my own head up. A large part of me wanted to give up. This was so hard. I was helpless. I literally couldn’t do anything myself, but pray. So that’s what I done. I prayed. Prayed both my kids would know God and walk that life with him. Oh I done some praying.
The blisters went away from my outer skin and moved to my intestines. I wasn’t able to eat at all . They put me on TPN for 8 months. You never know what hungry really is until you’ve cried from it and hurt from it. By then I was 89lbs and didn’t eat because it made me sick. Diarrhea and puking for a year. My pep talk to myself kept on. Stop being weak..TOUGH IT OUT!!!. I sat and cried thinking, man , I couldn’t imagine all the kids that go through this. They are tough as nails and I’m praying for death! What?
It’s been over a year and a half by then .
I had to go through therapy to learn to walk again!
It’s crazy, you don’t remember learning to walk as an infant. You don’t have that thing called fear. As an adult you know that shit hurts when you fall! At 40 we know we are breakable!! So that fear made it extremely hard to do things. It was fustraiting, exhausting and I remember acting like a child when the nurses would make me try. ” “No leave me alone, I CAN’T DO IT! JUST LET ME BE.
I realized eventually they wanted me to succeed. But I was harded headed and scared. What if I fell. ? It would hurt lol but I did it. And I was actually proud of myself. (. Thank you nurses, for putting up with me, helping me, and being my friend. I had an amazing staff at UAMS. 28 doctors , numerous nurses and aides. Thank you Doctor MUTU . Parapumutha ..yeah I still can not say or pronounce it lol. And thank you Rhonda. .They probably won’t see this. But God gave them something remarkable. The will and knowledge to save lives.
So 2 yrs being in the hospital, the 3rd year in and out of the hospital and the 4th year I walked away..Thank you God.
My kids are now young adults with strong faith. They walk that path with God. My daughter is planning her next mission trip and my son’s faith is strong, his sister guides him in the right direction ☺️
I did it though. I wanted to give up but I didn’t. God knows how many times I prayed that he just let me die. I’m glad he had other plans for me ..
My father was diagnosed last year. He’s in remission. I take care of him when I’m not working.
I’m on year 5. And as of now I work as a home health aide. I also clean homes for elderly, disabled and even people who just need the assistance.
When I was ill my father got behind on some repairs on the house. A lot to be honest. The roof is falling in ,the laundry room ,kitchen and porch.. when it rains you have a better chance of staying dry outside in the rain. I am not exaggerating.
I have some lumber that I’ve purchased. I don’t believe it’s enough. I’m not even sure how to even repair it.
I was able to just get my truck fixed this past week so I didn’t have to depend on someone else for transportation to work.
Even now, I’m trying not to give up. I tell myself ” it’s not that bad” . I’ve been through worse. Tough it out.
I feel a little like maybe this is a test. How strong do I need to be?. Because I’ve been practicing for years now lol
So now here I am making a fool of myself on here and asking myself :
Is praying enough?
Because I’m running out of being tough.
After writing all that, my intention was for asking for help to fixing our house , but that has just changed.. God’s telling me something different right now. God will give me what I need.
But this has now become about something more important and greater than I .
I will except any prayers given to me and for me.
I WOULD RATHER HAVE ANY DONATIONS GIVEN TO MY KIDS FOR THEIR MISSIONARY TRIP.
They need it more than I do.