I don’t have a dramatic story to tell here. I’m extraordinarily sad. I feel so trapped in a financial cycle that I can’t get out of. I simply don’t make enough money. I work at a non-profit drug and alcohol treatment center. There isn’t a lot of money to be made there, but it’s where I’m at now unfortunately.
I’m just trying to pay some bills. My phone is going to get shut off and there’s nothing I can do about it. I just got paid – but I had to prioritize my paycheck. My parents sold my childhood home and will be moving out on January 2nd. I bought a last minute plane ticket home for the holidays to spend our last Christmas there. Maybe this was a bad choice. In hindsight, on the verge of having my cell phone shut off, I probably should have done something different. But Christmas with my family also seems more important.
With that paycheck, I also: paid my internet bill (I have a roommate and I’m not going to let her suffer because I’m broke), had to get a new tire (I’ve been stuck on a spare since last week), and I made a payment on my care credit because my cat is dying and I need to keep the balance low for when I have to put him down.
Christmas Day is the one year anniversary of my grandmother dying. My mom passed away when I was very young, so my grandmother filled that roll. She has my heart, still. I wonder if I’ll ever adjust to a world without her in it.
Today, my friend was diagnosed with cancer. He is 30 years old and got his tonsils removed to stop his wife from killing him over his snoring. Today, he has cancer. He will be okay, I feel it in my bones.
My life isn’t tragic but it’s been very sad recently. Everything seems gray and nothing seems to be getting better. I’m scared it never will. I wonder if putting one foot in front of the other will ever lead somewhere other than this circle.
Now I’m left with a cell phone bill – already as past due as possible – that I cannot pay. I just need help.
I hope you have the most wonderful holidays. I hope your next year is the best one yet.
If anyone has read this – thank you.