I know I’m not alone battling this seemingly endless disease.. but it sure does feel like I’m alone with mine.. how do you get someone who’s so closed minded to the fact that this disease exists.. how do you put into words what’s really going on inside my head my heart my body.. google anxiety and depression and there’s a billion posts trying to describe what they are feeling and so many of them use the same terminology you might at times or seem to find ways to get one to maybe understand the torture your feeling while being b
Plagued by this sickness but none of them can truly ever give weight to one’s not battling it at the same level as one who suffers…
I have battled depression for years now but never so bad as to the level it has now reached.. and then … you throw in PTSD after being robbed while working at a convenient store.. and then work your hardest to overcome that after 4 1/2 years you decide your ready to try working again and then you spend 19 months working a job you love and you love the extra 15 hats that you now wear that have been placed upon you..and the truth is you do truly love them all but your not given ; time to get done, appreciated, paid for them.. your all the sudden now being forced to do them or loose your job.. while the whole time being slowly molded by words that control your everything about you, your job, your worth… in more than one way… and your put down , lifted up , put down… and yo-yo’Ed so much you become consumed with just wanting to please and do good and right and every day you bust your ass trying to achieve something that sadly your never going to get because they have already made their mind up how they are going to treat and do for you… then it becomes a fear.. fear of what tomorrow brings and what bad thing is going to happen today and you dread going in and then finally.. 19 months of it you get strong enough to end it… and you quit… you try to no longer give them that power… you filed unemployment.. you win.. then they appeal it and then your having multiple court hearings and you have to face them or due to the pandemic have a phone hearing and you have to hear them.. it’s now been 1 year 3 months and 2 weeks since you walked out of working there and your on the phone hearing and realize your uncontrollable nerves have your teeth chattering so Loud and your listening to the recording or the hearing realizing this and wonder how loud that was to them all during hearing… oh man..
Fast forward to now.. I finally went back to work again in June and I have had to take 2 leaves now because my anxiety and ptsd and depression idk what to blame where or when or how but I can’t deal with life everyday .. I break down and can’t focus can’t function… I realize I seem stupid or something at work now because I ask permission for things or am scared of being in trouble constantly for something I don’t even know and then realize I don’t have to ask about this or that and I am not going to in trouble.. and I’m afraid to put myself out there and share my experience when I’m capable of so much more..
My last two Jobs have ruined me even more from things done to me .. Im fighting so hard to get up Make it to work and on time and . 2 lights just 2 lights away I can’t just make it all the way.. I cannot fight my arms and legs to move. I cannot quiet the noise and thoughts rushing .. I can’t quiet the voices telling me I’m worthless , fat, ugly, that zit
Is so big on your chin everyone will see it and laugh…
I find myself hiding at home and sleeping or opposite unable to sleep because again can’t hush the noise or clear the mind and therefore cannot sleep and then thoughts really run wild … whew!!!
Every thud, thump, car tires flinging the gravel as they come up driveway and car door slams and phone calls or texts chimes…drops my stomach to the bottom of my feet and my heart starts racing in fear of the landlord posting eviction on door or shut off notice for power or work calling to say what’s going on …. I’m sick… sick with all the effects of PTSD, anxiety, depression, stress mentally, emotionally, physically…
I’m a victim of this plague and as I dig my way out , climb up a hill, crawl up a mountain, or just a few steps up a ladder… I could really use some help for my RENT I’m now behind on $100 for September.. $750 for October and now we’ll now today adds in November but without it being late yet is $700 so rents now $1550.. and then there’s all your other bill, utilizes, phones, insurance gas … toiletries .. not going to lie.. it’s been some time since I could shave my legs and get nice razor.. THEN… Well now that summers over it’s to cold and the broken water heater is needing replaced and you can’t afford to just buy nor do you feel goin can address your with your landlord that hasn’t evicted you yet… once I pay rent .. then I can push that issue.. without fear ..
So I really don’t want to actually BEG but I will ask politely for some help ..
I wanted to also add… I wrote up a whole thing to share and deleted by accident and so I’m taking crack at this again but lost so much that was real in the moment funny because I have to be funny so I don’t break down … I also am so jumbled with words thoughts sounds fuzzy head I clearly have issue with run on sentences..so please forgive me.. also please understand this is so messy because its real.. raw things coming out as I type here…