My name is Mark. I am from a family of 5 siblings, who lost our father in a vehicle explosion at a young age. I once had many, many dreams for my future, and as I grew up; I realized there wasn’t much hope for many of them.
Now I am 27 years old, and this month (June, 24th, 2006) will mark the 14th anniversary of my fathers death. I was taken to the crash site by an older sister, because my youngest sister had been in the wreck that killed our father. She already had been airlifted to the children’s hospital however, and the damage was done as I saw my father engulfed in the flames of the crash.
He worked construction and had some very flammable materials on the truck he was driving.
After that day, we were brought by my grandmother to her house to live, my mothing was not capable after losing her soulmate of 21 years, she went through a nervous break-down that crippled her more than the disability she already had. I fought hard for my future, and earned my GED at age 16, since I would not be allowed to graduate after failing three times.
That event in my life caused many difficulties for me to concentrate in school, leading to several bad marks on my report. At age 16, though, I passed the GED test, and was noticed for my writing skills. Scoring in the top 20% of graduating seniors, I sort of saw where my future would lay.
I really love writing and you have probably read an article by me at some point without realizing it, considering I do freelance writing gigs when possible.
Now I am in trouble, see I ended a toxic relationship that lasted for 9 years, after enduring many forms of abuse, and was left with nothing out of my haste to move back home. Only issue: I had no home left. My grandmother had already passed away, and my father’s side of the family will hardly send a reply on Facebook, much less help me if I were to ask.
(And I have asked! I have begged and had it end with my name being slandered, giving me the reputation of “panhandling” which really hurt to hear from my own family.)
It physically hurts for me, to ask anyone for any thing. I have never been a very proud person, but the painful memories make asking so much harder.
I am 27, and have never had my own vehicle. I never had my father teach me to drive a manual shift, like he promised to do. I never got that truck he promised to buy me if I managed to do well in school, and I never got the house that he built with his own two hands in a small town of Alabama.
I was diagnosed last year with hypertension stage 2, and have been struggling with PTSD, anxiety, and depression since I was 13 years old. (a result of the tragedy I described earlier having witnessed.)
I have not enjoyed a birthday since the year of 2005. See my birthday so happens to fall on July 5th, and the tragedy happened June 24, 2006. 11 days apart.
As challenging as it has been- planning my own suicide was probably the worst challenge.
I still feel that no one would care for ‘poor Mark’ had I died that day. But I am told I have a purpose and I should want to fulfill it. I just wish I did not need to have this every day pain, to wake in the middle of the night gasping for air-soaking wet with sweat-before realizing I am not in the memory I had been dreaming about, for the millionth time again.
I am extremely depressed again. Maybe this will be my last post to the world around me. Maybe not. It would be no ones fault. Life just happened to not be so nice to me so far.
I was thrown out at age 17, for confessing that I had feelings for another man. Feelings that my doctor tried to convince me was a yearning for the relationship I never was able to have with my father.
Well, I wish I had listened. I wish I had believed them even though I still know it is not true, because that 9 year relationship broke me and added to what my life had already been filled with: More people leaving me.
I am sure you are wondering what is my point but I am getting there, I want you to first understand a little more about me. I hope that is okay.
Well, the only true relationship out of all family, friend, or anyone-that I have ever had a relationship with, animals gave me the most honest and pure relationship I have still to-this-day ever had. They never leave or life, or intentionally hurt me. They do not hate me for being a bit different than them.
I love animals and I love to volunteer with helping our local animal rescues.
I live in a home that doesn’t allow me to have pets which makes it that much harder for me, I hate being alone.
Being alone leaves me to dwell on the past, and you can imagine what happens next, if you know much about PTSD.
But having someone there isn’t always easy. My anxiety is due to people leaving me in my life, constantly. whether voluntarily or involuntarily, I have lost both parents, every parental figure, and every sense of ‘home’ I have had, over the last 27 years.
Anxiety makes me believe that anyone I grow close to will also leave., I would need constant reassurances which is a lot to ask of someone. I don’t blame anyone who leaves me, I know how difficult I must be to put up with.
I have worked myself so hard, and every time I see “almost there” in my savings account, something else arises.
Such as now with the dental issues I am facing, having not ever had my wisdom teeth removed, and have grown inward which are excruciating. I could post a picture of that but it is quite disgusting and so I will not do that to you all.
I would mostly like to have a vehicle of my own. One that no one can take away from me, as my father’s family took everything.
Just some small safe haven, or hope that I can be my own person again, without depending upon others whom I must overpay, to interest them in even helping me.
Any money will help, as I search for ways to make ends meet.
I do not have health insurance and I did not receive a stimulus check, so I am truly desperate. I have no other options, there are no charity cases here in my area where they will help me, and we have no subsidized medical facilities that will help me to get back on the medicines I need.
Back when I had planned this suicide attempt, I decided to stop all medicines and I did. Now I am facing the charge of an evaluation as well as the doctors visit just to get it all started back up, which is going to run me around $600 for co-pay and any additional medicines because I will need to go to two different doctors for mental then physical health.
I have bad thoughts still, but over all I DO want to live. I want to make my father proud of me.
I want to some day publish the books I have been writing since I was 17 years old-which was my only escape from the turmoil around me, as my family fought over my dads possessions and ultimately left the three youngest children – including myself – penniless; with no sort of property to our names.
I will attach a photo of the wreck in the article that was published regarding my fathers death, as well as a photo of me, which is nothing special it is just to show you I am a real person. I will also add a few of the photos I was able to recover of myself as a child.
I hope this will speak to someone out there, I pray that anyone will help me in some way. I have held on to Hope and I have been humbled to my knees from an early age in life. I have never requested money here nor from any other sites. The only reason I am asking now is because my health does not allow me to exert myself like I used to do.
If you are unable to help me, please do not feel bad. Just to think of me and wish me luck is amazing of you to do and I send my biggest thanks in advance.
If you are able to help me in some way, I swear by my honor, with all of my heart that some day soon in the future I will pay your kindness forward to someone else in need.
You will have sponsored my writing, and I will write more than ever once this pain has subsided some.
Many Blessings, and Best Wishes to all. I will accept any emails and I will reply in a timely manner, even if it is just to get to know me more, or to ask me for more proof about something in this post. After moving ‘home’ when the 9-year relationship ended, I lost many of my things. Including legal documents.
But please believe that I am an open book, and I just need a little help to “get my foot in the door” so to speak, and be able to really start my career in writing.