Here is goes, I’m gonna be a completely open book and for the first time tell my story to others and let them know my pain I’ve struggled with for so many years but also the joy I’ve found! So here it goes.. also at the end if you have any questions do NOT hesitate to email and ask me!!
Above is a photo before my active addiction took off, back when I just graduated high school as Valedictorian and started college on a full-ride academic scholarship for psychology, back when I was modeling for a living, back before I knew who I even was as a person or what my purpose was for living another day in this earth, but still I was happy… Little did I know what was coming ..
***LOOK AT PIC BELOW***
THIS . WAS . WHAT . WAS . COMING . AND . I . WASN’T . PREPARED .
So .. I jumped ahead quite a bit and I want to rewind back to the beginning and start there, as I feel like there are quite a few things that are important to my story that you’re not getting if I don’t backtrack before we get back to where we are in my life story.
I was born September 15, 1993 making me now 26 years old. Born to a loving family, despite my parents getting divorced when I was 2 years old due to my mother’s infidelity in her marriage with my dad it lead into a very bitter and nasty divorce battle that last well past the divorce being finalized. Honestly, I believe they never let go of the hatred and grudge towards one another, not even now that my father is dead, my mother will still talk horribly about him to me like loosing my dad wasn’t enough. So due to this terrible divorce separating my immediate family and allowing my mother to carry on a new life with the man she was cheating on my dad with, Robbie, who was now my stepdad. But it left my brother and I choosing sides between our parents our entire lives. With that said, I was always my daddy’s little girl and always went out of my way to defend and protect him against my mother at all cost and this lead my older brother, Colby, being my mom’s child. And it seemed like the families of each parent picked too causing me to never feel good enough for my mother or her family’s love through my entire childhood. This is where I first began feeling like I wasn’t good enough and it carried with me for the rest of my life until I got into recovery. Skipping ahead a couple years with not to much to go into details about but to name a few significant things: 1) there was a huge fight between my mom and I I was in fourth grade and was diagnosed with dyslexia and I’ve gotten an F in reading on a progress report and she grounded me for nine weeks and I had a freak out like a child would and told her a bunch of things I didn’t mean like I hate you and I want to go live with my father. And instead of reacting like a parent would and not listening to A child’s temper tantrum, she decides to engage and responded to me saying some of the worst things that could ever come out of a mother’s mouth to her child. Things like I hate you and I wish I never had you you were a mistake things that I carried with me for the rest of my life which also just significantly reiterated the fact that “I WASNT GOOD ENOUGH” belief that started from the parents divorce earlier on in my life if you remember. 2) So after that there we’re many court dates over custody of me and my brother and that caused many moves back and forth between our parents to where it was eventually granted for good that my dad had full custody of me. 3) after moving to my dads full-time I was able to switch from private school to public schools finally because I hated private school and then I was way ahead of my classes in public school so I was able skip a lot. I also started playing sports as my father‘s main goal was that I made straight As in my classes and be involved in a lot of after school clubs or sports and if I could do that then whatever I wanted or wanted to do then I could as I had no curfews or rules. 4) my dad ended up meeting a woman that started out working as a receptionist for his company that ended up stealing $250,000 and getting him involved with prescription pain pills. 5) this is also where I started partying as in drinking with my brother and his older friends not too much because I had sports to upkeep and grades but enough to where the friends I had in my grade their parents would no longer allow them to hang out with me so I was always hanging out with older people now and started to get involved or started to see people getting involved in much harsher drugs and alcohol scenes. 6) I blew my knee out during one of my basketball games and never ended up dropping out of every sport I was in, basketball, dance, competitive cheerleading, and volleyball. And instead I ended up falling in love with my prescription of opiates I now was prescribed too and because I wasn’t playing basketball anymore I had much more free time to hang out with my older friends and again due to no more sports, I no longer had a reason that I couldn’t smoke weed with them and this is where my journey with drugs truly begins.
What I’m about to tell you I feel like you deserve a few more details to it then summing it up quickly.. After dropping out of all my sports my junior year in HS, I started skipping school quite a bit, started drinking and going to parties every weekend, I was also using my prescription daily and way more than I was prescribed too that I was start g to buy other kid’s parents scripts or whatever they could get them for me from. I had started dating the biggest cocaine dealer in my town who was much older than me and he also got me starting to do cocaine quite a bit with him as well. Somehow as crazy and unmanageable as all this seems I was somehow keeping my life in somewhat of an order that was at least until….. shortly after that I was pulled into the principal’s Office one morning during first block and I had my car searched and it was found with a lots of drugs and alcohol and tobacco all the products you’re not supposed to have on school grounds in my car and I was suspended and sent to alternative school for 55 days also thinking my dad is going to show up at the school that day and pick me up beyond pissed off at me and grounding me for life I was absolutely wrong as he started yelling at the principal saying they had no right to search my car without them and standing up for me and then he never said a word to me about it or gave me a single consequence after that we walked out of the school building and we just sort of never really spoke about it again. Which only made me feel entitled to it being OK to use as my dad didn’t care Which I know now looking back that wasn’t the case he did care if I used drugs or not he just thought that it would’ve been a big enough wake up call for me not to ever use again and boy was he absolutely wrong.
The second major life event I’m gonna tell you about is shortly after me getting kicked out of school the court system put me on house arrest and I was raped by my father’s best friend who also happens to be my best friend‘s father on March 13, 2010 when I was on house arrest from getting in trouble at school. And I remember that morning due to so much pain I was in from the salt my dad handing me a handful of Lortabs and I remember my brain switching over to this wasn’t just a party anymore .. it was this numbs this feeling out and I like it and I never not want to feel like this ever again. I remember my brain switching to addiction mode that and I remember. After this my life started to get really crazy I started drinking and using every single day and not just my opiates I was prescribed Xanax at this time I was drinking every day I was drinking and driving I was it was in my dad I wasn’t going to school and somehow along the way I ended up catching a DUI walking which obviously violated probation I was already on her getting in trouble back in school and got put in states custody where I went from living with my dad in a four-story house with a chef and a maid to living in a ghetto of Gallatin with the bishop and first lady who had 10 children and 28 grandchildren and had their own church which they made us foster kids go to and it lasted hours and they would try to lay there hands on us .. it was crazy. Whatever the else got shut down shortly after that as I turned in their son who is 28 and hitting on the foster girls that were underage coming through their house and I got moved out of their house so quick and Moved in with Big Momma in Springfield who still to this day Had had a huge impact on who have become. I stayed in states custody for 11 months and graduated valedictorian of Springfield high school with a full ride scholarship to Western Kentucky University into 2011. I started college like a normal student would and I was clean at this time but it didn’t take long as it was only a week or two that I was out of states custody and had moved to college on my own that the drugs came right back in my life and I started to snort 26 Lortabs a day like I never even stopped and that lasted until 2012 of December Where I went to my first detox as I was in quite a bit of physical nose pain due to snorting my drug that I promise I said I would never touch another one of those again when I left that detox and I’ve kept my promise even to this day however six months after that detox a boy introduced me to a needle And heroin in my life was forever changed. Somewhere throughout that year the guy that raped me was finally charged and sentenced with aggravated rape of a child and only received 360 days in jail and eight years probation not even a full year in jail for a child rapist. Which made me fall even heavier in Heavy drug use as I didn’t feel like I received any justice and I felt like I wanted to scream and do whatever I could to say f*** you to the justice system who screwed me over so bad and I thought by doing drugs and breaking the law I was doing that, but now after many years of therapy and being in recovery and viewing things a lot clearer, TRUST ME I KNOW THAT WAS JUST MY DELUSIONAL DRUG BRAIN CAUSING ME TO THINK THAT. Here’s where I’m gonna start summarizing quite a bit as it was just a lot of legal troubles I was started to get arrested so a lot of court dates a lot of rehabs that I would go to and leave and a lot of drugs. somehow I managed to keep family relationships and friendships so far to this point and keep them from knowing the full truth at least as I would always be able to manipulate and find a way to tell them I quit or you know that wasn’t mine and theyd just believe me or continue to believe my lies. At this point my dad felt bad about his friend who raped me that he would just give me money every day and not really say much because I guess he felt that if he gave me money for my drugs that I would never be out on the streets doing drugs that at least I’d be home where he could know if I’m safe and I wouldn’t be out doing something that he wouldn’t like to imagine his daughter doing for money if he just gave it to me . Skipping right along quite a head further was just extreme drug use and continuing to go to school and trying to manage my life to the best I could I was in and out of rehab and jails him and then the next huge part of my life that was getting towards the end of my addiction was January 21, 2016 when I lost my best friend in the entire world my father in my arms. My life has never been and will never be the same again as no one could ever love me and be there for me like my father was. I forgot to also mention that during this time of after the rate my father and eyes relationship changed from a father daughter relationship to more of a best friend druggie buddy as he started taking more of his prescription back medicine to where he had to buy more off the street illegally and I was his dealer/get high buddy to where every night we would both be getting high, well I always snuck off to my bathroom to use so he couldn’t see the needle use as he never knew my addiction had progressed so far as he truly believed I was still only taking Loratabs but yea every night we ended up watching TV for hours and cooking together and just talking to each other about everything and he never once judged me and I tried to be easy on him as to during this time he also kept letting my ex stepmom come in and out of our lives he would keep stealing from him and he put her in jail by pressing charges and then she get out and let her back and it was just we both only had each other and felt very alone so we were just so close to each other as we both felt we didn’t have anyone else. So when I lost him that day is when my drug use picked up to an all time high between that day in May 2016 I had dropped down to 86 pounds you can see every bone in my body also I lost my grandmother during this time who was my dad’s mom but also basically my mother growing up as my mother and stepdad were always off on cocaine or crack binges and leaving us that my grandmother always came to pick us up and take care of this and my grandmother was the one that took my prom dress shopping in school shopping and Sports games and yeah she was my mom and I lost her months to the day I lost my dad two most important people in your life . So I significantly went out May being a significant month after loosing my dad as it was. It was May 2016 the week before I graduated and walked across the stage of my college graduation and it was also the night before finals week and I got arrested and was held without no bond and it took my brother over 24 hours and a very expensive lawyer bill to be able to get me out in time the next day to take my three finals before midnight and to be able study for the rest of the finals that week to be able to graduate college and walk across that stage. You know my brother was able to get me out to do that however I was not out very long as the judge made me come in to court two days after my college graduation and immediately he revoked my bond and kept me in jail 86 something days after he told me that I was only going in there for 10 days just to be detoxed and then start drug court.
HERE IS WHERE MY JOURNEY OF RECOVERY TRULY STARTED!! I had mentioned before now on my story throughout different times that I had gone in and out of treatment centers and detoxes however none of those times where is I going for myself it was always going to get out of legal travel or to keep my probation officer this was the first time in my life that I actually wanted to get clean and so it’s not as I was at the police are arresting me and taking me to jail I now turn around and thank them as it truly was a wake up call I needed to turn my life around! No I’m not saying that it was A perfect road of recovery especially at the beginning I had a slip or two but ever since December of 2016, I haven’t had any mind-altering substandard in this body. And no it’s not always been peaches-n-cream, as I lost my dad‘s father my grandfather and the only relative of the most family I had left I’ve gotten in fights with my family about trust and everything under the sun but I’ve also regain the trust from all my family members, I’ve gone to court more times and I can count been to jail sober and gotten consequences and followed through those consequences due to my past actions, I’ve had financial troubles out the ass and I had to take my brother to court which I am still in the middle all in recovery but I know that each and every day I wake up and all my problems are so much easier being sober and trying to handle it under any type of drug or alcohol.
So more about my emergency dental problem that I need extreme help with, I have only a total of nine teeth that are left in my mouth and those nine teeth most of them already chipped or started to decay or are falling out or in the process of it that I am in need of extreme implants or at least partial implants and dentures which they have estimated to be about $10,000 and it’s all said and done and I literally have about $250 if that did to push towards it my credit due to my dad messing it up with taking out loans before I was even 18 for the business and then my brother not handling business affairs much better after my dad passed my credit is no good to get any type of loan towards it due to my dad dying obviously I can’t ask for any money and no one else in my family has any money especially any kind of money that they could lend out especially the amount that I need and even if they did have it a lot of my family is only worried about themselves that they wouldn’t do it so I’m sitting here begging for anyone if they could to please help !! I would never be able to thank yoh enough because as it stands if I don’t receive the dental work I’m needing they are going to continue to fall out day by day and already my mouth is so bad that no one would ever give me a job or look twice at me and it’s embarrassing but also extremely painful to where I’ve had to change my entire diet based on what I canning can’t eat on what hurts and what doesn’t so like I said if you could please help me in any way I could never thank you enough!! Below is my PayPal link. Thank yoh again ahead of time!