I cannot believe I am actually posting this on a public forum but I have zero other choice. I am a 37 year old mother of two absolutely gorgeous daughters, inside and out. When I was pregnant with my oldest, who will be 13 in August, I began having terrible mouth/teeth pains. My dentist said that all of my body’s calcium was now going to my baby and I was, for lack of a better word…screwed. By the time I gave birth I already had 3 teeth die. Yes, turned gray and died. One back tooth and the other two dead in front. I just dealt with it as best I could with what I could afford. Then, three years later I got pregnant with twin boys. They were fine up until a day before my due date, when I went into early labor. I ended up giving birth in my bathroom to two beautiful, silent, stillborn angels. I still have not dealt with that horrific loss. I try to push it away but it always comes creeping back. I honestly do not even know how to properly grieve. Two years after that, I was pregnant with my youngest, who just turned 8 on March 16th. She was my miracle. Born 6 weeks early and weighed a teensie tiny 4 lbs 4 oz, she was perfect. After a month in the NICU, she was healthy enough to bring home.
Fast forward to today. I have exactly 3 of my real teeth in my mouth, 18 broken fragments, and 2 implants. It all happened so fast and got so out of control. I have always been told I was attractive and I kind of believe it…only because my daughters are just plain beautiful. They deserve a mother that they can be proud of and not ashamed to be seen with. In my heart I know they would never judge me like that, but can you blame them? When my oldest was growing up I was so involved in her school and everything else and it just breaks my heart seeing my youngest miss out on having the “Fun and Cool Mom” but then again, she was so young she probably doesn’t even remember that version of me. All she has ever known is the shut-in, low self esteem version of me. I don’t do anything anymore. I hardly ever used to leave my house, only to get groceries (what few things I can actually chew). Until the pandemic hit and everyone was mandated to wear a mask, I refused to go anywhere in public.
I am sick and tired of living this way. I am watching my children grow up with a sad, depressed excuse for a mother and it kills me more and more each day,
I would do anything to be able to go to family get togethers, school programs, Christmas, Church on Sunday and all of the things I have been avoiding because I was too scared of embarrassing my girls. Deep down, I know they want me healthy but could careless what I looked like…they just want their mother back.
More than anything in this world—I want to be able to smile again.