I have felt guilty for many years now.
Ever since I was little, I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety. I was bullied pretty badly in high school and dropped out because I just couldn’t cope anymore. I still feel damaged by those years even now, more than ten years later.
For a long time, I feel like I’ve just drifted. I’ve struggled to hold down ‘real’ jobs and done a lot of volunteering. I’ve been trying my hand at freelancing but have only been awarded a couple of jobs. There’s so many people out there doing the same thing, it’s hard to compete. Sometimes, when I don’t even get a response applying for some jobs.. it really hurts. It makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong.
I already feel inferior in a lot of ways. Struggling to find work just makes me feel a million times worse, and when I’m discouraged, I wonder what the point of even trying is. But considering I still live with my parents and am often unable to contribute much in the way of money (for food, bills and whatnot)… it makes me feel terrible. At best I feel useless, at worst I feel like a failure of a human being.
I know that right now, if I tried to get a more ‘normal’ job, I wouldn’t be able to deal with it because of my depression and anxiety. And that just makes me feel even more guilty and ashamed.
I have my own car but haven’t driven it in over a year now because I don’t have the money for any kind of upkeep with it anymore and it needs repairs. I live in a rural area and don’t really go anywhere now (the only friends I have moved away). I really feel like I’ve lost what little independence I had before since now if I wanted to go anywhere, I would need to have one of my parents drive me.
I have been deluding myself when it comes to my dental health. For years I’ve told myself “it’s not that bad” while it continues to get worse. It’s nothing that visible to anyone but a closer look and you’ll start to see several problems. You probably won’t seen the impacted wisdom teeth but you’ll notice I’ve ground my teeth down quite a bit (from my friend anxiety, of course), and my jaw has become malaligned. I have crowded mouth, with teeth pushing to the front, to the point where they’ve eaten through the gum. I also have what I’m pretty sure are a few cavities.
This all makes things pretty uncomfortable. Occasionally, I’ll look into how much these things will cost to repair and I just totally shut down because it’s so much, and some of it could even require surgery (like for my jaw). I wait for the day my teeth will just start falling out and want to cry thinking about it. But I just don’t know how to help myself. I’m scared to go to the dentist but mostly for the judgement. I just can’t believe I’ve let it get this bad. But I don’t have any money for it anyway. It seems like no matter how hard I try, trying to land jobs, it won’t work for me. And honestly, at this point, they would need to be high paying jobs to fix all the damage.
I was suicidal as a teenager. I no longer feel like I would actually go through with it but when I find myself overwhelmed by things, I sometimes think how much easier it would be just to leave it all behind. I think about my parents having to deal with me for any longer, of them finding out about how bad my dental problems are, of them never seeing me achieve anything.. Believe it or not I’m generally a positive person. But sometimes all of this gets to be a bit much and I just want to give up on myself.
I am in love with various art forms, like digital art, photography and video editing. I would love to make a living from one or all of them but it takes time to build up a portfolio and an audience. Any help you could give me while I work on this would be so gladly appreciated, you have no idea. Thank you so much for even considering it.