I have done something so stupid, embarrassing and now costly, I’m not sure what to do, or were to turn but I find myself here at the mersey of strangers. I have nobody to ask for help. I will tell you my story and you may understand why.
So grew up in Australia in a family of six, two older siblings ( that I’ve never been close to) & I have a younger sister whom I’m very close with. We didn’t really grow up together as such, my mum was institutionalised in a mental institution for long periods of time. I can’t really elaborate any more than that as it was a well kept family secret away form us kids – I didn’t find out until my teens the truth.
So during the times mum was “away” the oldest 2 lived with my dad and my sister and I lived with my mothers mother. The first time dad dropped us off I was young not yet at school – he just said it your job to look after your sister and left. My younger sister Debi is disabled and I adored her & still do she is everything to me, so took that role very seriously, it was a hard one though my grandmother was cruel to us both but in particular my sister. She would torment us, me by being cruel to Debi, sometimes even pulling her hair, walking past and hitting her for no reason, if anyone tried to speak to my sister my grandmother would say don’t bother she won’t understand, she’s queer.
Debi understood love and kindness & she understood cruelty too.
When we lived with my dad, he was an angry alcoholic. He’d put us down constantly useless and stupid were his favourites sometimes he’d get more abusive and foul with his language but I think you get it. With my dad it was verbal abuse and I seemed to cop it more than my sister, he’d say things like you’ll never get married, you can’t love something that can’t be loved. If it wasn’t directed at Debi I was fine. As I said I’d do anything for her.
We started school together and Debi & I were joined at the hip somehow back then we were in the same classes & year. Then the worst thing happened Debi was sent to a special school. And she boarded my dad would drive us it was a day trip in the car from were we lived and I’d fight him all the way from the back seat pleading that I could look after her. Promising I’d do everything I was told.
I remember being missable and alone at school, without her I had no one. In truth I don’t think I wanted anyone else. But after a year the best possible thing happened, dad couldn’t afford the school so she came back! mum was back too we had to move to a different town & we went to a school were Debi had special classes. When I say mum came back she was in bed a lot & we weren’t aloud to disturb her.
It was during this time I had my first experience of what I wouldn’t find out was an anxiety attack until I was in my early 20’s. It was the day I walked into my new school all of a sudden, my legs felt like concrete and they started to shake I was hot all over and the world began to spin, I vomited. It happened again that year at a school excursion and again at school one lunchtime I just suddenly became overwhelmed and the world would seemed like it was closing in on me.
These episodes became more & more regular as time went on. So I didn’t socialise or play sport or do anything that a kids did, and I didn’t do sleep over as I was a bed wetter. What I did do was worry about everyone & everything. I felt very isolated and alone.
By the time I was a teenager my anxiety had become something I experienced most days. I’d found out were mum was going when she was “away” I thought I had my answer I was crazy too. I’d really didn’t want to be locked up, sent away for long periods of time and I was terrified so it became my tight lipped secret. Each time mum would come home she lost more and more of herself. I’d just have to live with my craziness & keep it well hidden.
My high school years were horrible isolated alone I felt so worthless and ugly. I didn’t have many friend or other students that even knew who I was. I do remember being spat at in the face by one of the popular boys and teased about my ugly secondhand clothes.
I started working at a local restaurant when I was 14, I would wash dishes on weekends & during school holidays. It was my perfect job, hidden out of sight isolated and I didn’t have to wear nice clothes. So at 15 nearly 16 the owners son was home from University. He was so cute and he was with a friend. They were so nice to me and I wasn’t use to it at first I thought it was so weird these two cool guys talking to me. They had been out and arrived just as I finished my mopping the floor I said goodnight to everyone. Then the two guys were sitting with my boss, I said goodnight and the two men said they would walk me home being so late. I said I’d be fine. But they insisted. They both turned & looked at my boss, she agreed I was to be walked home.
I was extremely nervous and hardly spoke or made eye contact. It was late at night and half way home the bosses son pushed me to the ground and raped me. I tried to fight but he was so strong. I have no idea to this day what the other guy was doing or were he was. I didn’t ever go back to work. I was in so much pain I’d been torn down there & it hurt so much. I stayed in bed crying. I told no one.
I’d just say I was sick.
I went back to school but couldn’t focus on anything, my grades dropped dramatically. My anxiety got worse now I couldn’t be around men on my own. I wouldn’t go to a male bank teller, I’d never go to a male teacher only in public or if others were there, and I became a recluse hiding away from the world.
Fast forward to my early 20’s. I had finished school got jobs as kitchen hand & cleaning. Still vey alone isolated & sad. I decided it was time to go and see someone I was ready to be locked away.
I went to a phycologist who cost me ½ of my wage. I sat down told her of my symptoms and she said I had anxiety that it was very common. I looked at her confused I’m not going to a mental institution.
She laughed & said no. I could only go a few times because of the cost. But I put everything in practice she said. But it was a very long road.
As for men I was still scared, I’d have to be very drunk to be intimate with someone.
I met a policeman in my mid 20’s I thought he would protect me he was so kind and gentile when I met him. He really swept me off my feet. I even got taken away on weekends, given flowers. I was so excited he was amazing everyone loved him. But 3 months in things started to change I think it started with a put down, here & there, slight tones that he was displeased. Then somehow I blinked and it was full mental & physical abuse. Why did I stay ? Because more than anything I wanted to be loved. The thought of being alone was frightening. Eventually he left me for another woman. I was left trying to put myself back together. I moved back to my parents home and everyday I’d sleep drink some water and slept some more pick at food. Then I started watching Oprah and in particular remembering your spirit. I think Oprah may have saved my life.
I got a job, then a better one, then a better one I’d push through the anxiety. It was harder to push through the depression. I was now diagnosed with clinical depression.
I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do and one of them was to live closer to the beach. I moved to a town on the beach & cleaned the rich peoples houses for money. Then I got a job at a factory.
My first day was terrifying I started to have an anxiety attack, I had never worked in a big place before with heaps of people about. It was so overwhelming. I was so scared but I was trying so hard. I needed this job too. So I said to my supervisor I’m not feeling very well. He’s reply you want the job or not. I went to the bathroom and threw up. I stayed. Everyday that’s was my routine anxiety all the way to work throw up, clock on. And then eventually everything went well I got a couple of promotions I worked hard. I was so grateful to have a job.
Then the biggest miracle of all happened I met a man that I was comfortable with mid 30’s and I could talk to him. We became friends I even went out for drinks ! I tried not to get my hopes up, but I think it was too late. He made me laugh so much he was perfect, in my eyes. One day he asked for my number I was so nervous I could hardly write it down or remember it.
Was it finally my turn, was I going to have all those things I’d dreamt of, a man that loves me that won’t hurt me. I was in a spin but for the first time ever a good spin. I’d watched everyone around me meet people, have weddings, have babies build a life together. It was something I believed I could never have. He picked me up in his Ute & yes I was nervous. We went to the beach and it was perfect, he was perfect. After a few weeks we hadn’t kissed so I thought we were just friends. I was hoping for something more but if it was friends so be it. Then it happened he dropped me off said I think you should be my girlfriend & kissed me. He left and I could stop bawling I’d never been so happy. Me! I had someone I was so exited. We hung out I guess we did all the things couples do. I asked him to meet my sister & he said no. This concerned me but I didn’t let it upset me. I explained how much she meant to me. He started to become more concerned with money & how much I had. I had nothing an old car my furniture. He accused me of wanting him for money. I didn’t I was 100% in love fist time in my life. So to prove it I payed for everything. I didn’t care as long as I had him. Because in my mind we were going to be forever.
I wanted to spoil him so if he said he wanted something I’d buy it for him. If we went away I’d pay for everything. I was so happy. He said he didn’t want to get married but he would be with me forever I was fine with that.
He wanted to go away on a holiday overseas I said I didn’t have enough money. He was disappointed but I was always careful with money as I had never had a high paying job so I slept on it. So the next day I applied for a credit card.( Without telling him)We went on a holiday, not overseas on a road trip. I also bought nice clothes and makeup I wanted to look pretty, for my man.
I had every intention of I started paying it off but I was also spending money on us. So I’d pay for everything as much as I could food, bills, spending money ect. At this stage I got a loan for $20,000 and I was using it so he didn’t think I wanted him for money.
We were talking one night and he said he’d never wanted children. I said I really did. He said it wasn’t up for discussion. Don’t forget I’d never had anyone really before my second relationship so I thought all this was normal. I loved him I resided to the fact that, I wouldn’t have children. I adored everything about him. I was happy in love, I felt like it was all too good. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I was in love, by this stage late 30’s and starting my life like a normal person. None of my family had met him & I still didn’t know his. If I asked about family he’d change the subject. He’d tell me bits and pieces but nothing much. I hadn’t told him about the anxiety, depression my mum. It was like I was so happy it didn’t matter. I was looking forward not back.
He became very cold and distant. I was begging god not to let me screw this up. He started flirting with the young girls at work. During this time he got a promotion and was going really well. He invited others from work. We had dinner and drinks to celebrate. I overheard someone say I can’t believe he’s going out with her. I looked at him and he was talking to a pretty blonde girl. He looked great that night I’d bought him a shirt and jeans and everyone was complementing him. I was turning back into the clumsy fumbling idiot once again. I was finding it hard to breath in the room. Anxiety again. I hardly ate I could barely drink. I just sat there with my glass in my hand like I was a rabbit in the spotlight watching my world fall apart. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to be in the picture long.
So I tried to do everything I thought I should do cook clean, tell him how wonderful he was & how much he meant to me. I got more credit cards more gifts. He hated me. It was like he was repulsed every time I was near him. I wasn’t aloud to touch him. I went to kiss him one day he pushed me away from him, get off me he said. I felt like I was a dirty disease.
It was Christmas and I got all of his favourite things, I wanted him to feel loved & special. It took me hours to write the card I told him him much I loved him. He wanted out. I wanted him forever.
It was New Year’s Eve and he was working I was not, I found out by accident that production has stopped because of a breakdown being New Years Eve they’d let everyone go home, I called no answer I called again he answered. He was at the pub drinking I could hear girls in the background, even though my heart sank. I thought I’d let him have fun with his friends, I knew most people that would be there. I just asked him if he’d come home at midnight. I never told him but I’d never had a New Years kiss before, ever. So I waited up I was super excited my first kiss at New Years Eve, even better it was with the man I loved. At 11.40 I sent a message I’ll see you soon right. There was no reply. I watched New Years Eve on TV all around the world. I watched as others were so happy, with the people they loved, their partners, friends family and they were having fun. He came home an hour late I looked at him I could smell another girl on him her perfume, lipstick, and I could see it in his face, he knew I knew as well. He turned and walked out. Without a word it ended.
My heart was smashed once again the depression& anxiety soared through the roof. This time I was on medication 3 times the average dose of anti depressants.
My bomb of a car broke down beyond repair. At this time I got a car as I really needed to get to work $20,000 it was at high interest. I went through a broker and he organised it all, I picked up my car it was the first nice car I had. So my life became get up, anxiety work, eat, cry, sleep, pay depts. Even on my days off I sometimes didn’t get out of bed or eat.i was so sad my heart hurt so much.
They changed my role at work and I worked with a man that hated me. He’d yell swear verbally attack me, I went to HR they said perhaps I should find another job. I’d be in tears all the time and I was so hated. I was a grown women being teased & picked on at work financially I was stuck.
Here I was yet again no one to help me, anxious alone and with suicidal thoughts. But I had to be here for my sister, I loved her far too much to ever leave her. It was when I went to visit her I decided once and for all I needed help. So I started counselling. I got demoted at work as I was told I couldn’t work with others. The guy that bullied me was mates with the boss and the succeeded in demoting me. He on the other hand was promoted. He has a few female favourite co workers that like to torment me, as they know I have no one to go to. So that’s my background worts and all.
However this is what I really really need help with I have been going to a therapist and was feeling good. I won’t ever have my own family, or a partner, but I’d decided that I could be happy looking after my mum, my sister & id make that my life, ensuring they are ok. I’d work hard pay off my depts.
Then I had a car accident that involved another car. I was at fault, the man was really lovely that I hit. Everything was going to be ok, I was insured so I thought, everything was fine. I rang my insurance company and I am not. It was shocking to hear I was beside myself. I looked back over everything and I had stuffed up. In my mental haze of depression and anxiety I had totally not got my insurance, I didn’t have any at all.
I have to repair the mans car that I hit and my own if possible. The estimates I have are $17,000AU the total I owe on everything is $64,900AU.
I really really want to do the right thing by the person I hit, to pay for all his damage. So I’m begging please help me. I am going to ask for my dept money too. For one to get me out of work. I can’t handle the harassment. The next part is I need an operation on a lump that has formed in my head, it’s not cancerous but it need to be removed & a second operation on my female bits. I just can’t afford to have either done.
I have never asked for help, and now I’m pleading for it.
I bless everyone that reads this, it’s ok if you don’t donate to me I will still bless you & wish you well in this life. If you do donate I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can’t put into words what it would mean to me. Not having to face my bullies, my ex and perhaps being able to afford medication. I wish you all well.